August 14, 2021 at 2:14 pm #384627AardvarkParticipant
We can analyze and analyze and analyze – if we have the time. We find our analysis goes in circles or branches off into subsets – all this can be interesting and it all takes time and energy. But the most important question is – are your sons needs being met? If not then that’s where to start.
If they are the next question is – are the needs of the relationship being met? What’s expected, what’s needed, what’s hoped for? If not then that’s where to start. Most people forget a relationship is a living being in its own right, and it includes negotiating personal desires, personal dreams, children – and the chores! A relationship is based on negotiation so each person knows their rights and responsibilities, without that you have a mess or manipulation.
If they are the next question is – are my needs being met – what hopes do I still have, do I ever get to do what I enjoy?
So having children and a relationship really is a state of giving yourself – and each person in the relationship has to be willing to do this – child first, relationship second, then self – the percentages are for you to choose but 33.3% seems healthy for each.
Or you can analyze some more.August 15, 2021 at 5:54 pm #384834DaveParticipant
Thank you for the responses, My wife and I will have a lot to talk about and process. I spoke with her last night (Saturday), and we discussed her work and hours, how it is affecting our son and myself (more about our son than me). So she worked a half-day today and we spent some time together as a family, but she had to go back into work to finish up and wont be home until after I put our son to bed. She understands that her hours are affecting us, but her answer is that she can’t change her hours because of her job, and she has no help, and she took on another client this week, and didn’t tell me because she knew I would get mad about that. But we will have another discussion tomorrow about how everything is affecting us.
TeaK: She is very messy at home, her desk is piled up with receipt’s, paper’s, plants, pictures, and other things. Her side of the room has clothes, shoes, books, and other things strewn about. At work her feed room is very organized (which I helped her with, built some shelves, added a feed bin, and some other storage), and she keeps it very well organized, since there are other people that use it, but her “office” is a mess, she has tools, nails, screws, papers strewn about. We will talk about her resuming therapy the next time we have a discussion about it, I hope she will, but I am not sure if she will do it. I will try though, Thank you.
Anita: I do love her, When the thought of splitting up crosses my mind I get sad, and feel like I wouldn’t be able to do it without her, but maybe its just a guilt thing, because I do most everything by myself anyway. These past few days I have been doing extra to show her that I am being supportive and loving, but it doesn’t seem to do much, maybe because its too little too late. But I will bring this up when we have another discussion tomorrow. Thank you.
Aardvark: I understand what you mean, analyzing everything is fine, but it is not everything. My son’s needs are being met, he is fed, clothed and happy. He doesn’t have a lot of time with his mother though, which I am not sure how much that will effect him. As for the other two, that would be no. Which I will bring up with her when we have another discussion tomorrow.
We have a lot to work on and talk about still, and I thank you all for your input and suggestions. I will write back and let you know how everything goes.
Thank you very much!August 15, 2021 at 8:44 pm #384838anitaParticipant
I will read your recent post and reply in about 10 hours from now.
anitaAugust 15, 2021 at 11:59 pm #384843TeaKParticipant
I actually agree with Aardvark, who highlighted the well-being of your son as the main factor to consider in dealing with this situation with your wife. You say:
My son’s needs are being met, he is fed, clothed and happy. He doesn’t have a lot of time with his mother though, which I am not sure how much that will effect him.
You earlier said this about your son’s reaction to his mother:
Also our son gets upset if she tries to get him out of bed in the morning, doesn’t want her to change his diaper, dress him, give him dinner (the nights that she does get home early), or put him to bed. He will cry for me whenever she tries to do this kind of stuff, and I know it hurts her when he does this. So I find that I ignore him while she is home, so that he will go to her for things, but he will usually just cry until I pay attention to him.
He is already rejecting his mother, at the age of 2, which is a bad sign. Her neglect is affecting him and he is protesting. If this continues, he will have a wound of being emotionally neglected by his mother, and he will carry it into his adulthood. So by tolerating your wife’s neglect, you are helping create a wounded child, and some day, a wounded adult.
Aardvark is right when he/she says that your son should be a priority. It is his life and happiness that are at stake. Your wife is reluctant to change, she doesn’t seem to understand her role as a mother, and her importance in your son’s upbringing. It appears she hasn’t created an emotional bond with your son, and so she isn’t really missing him and doesn’t care to spend time with him. That’s why she can prioritize her work and not take into consideration your son’s needs.
She might have not had an emotional bond with her own mother either, and now is giving the same treatment to your son. But it’s harmful and she should become aware of it.
There are many ways how she could cut down her working hours, but she isn’t motivated, and I think it’s because her motherly instinct is weak. As I suggested earlier, she may even feel uncomfortable in the role of the mother and may feel that she is a bad mother. And she wants to avoid it as much as possible. But she would need to deal with her own emotional wounds, instead of letting them affect her relationship with her son.
Anyway, I believe you should put your son’s well-being as the priority when you talk to her, and make her realize that her behavior is harmful for your son’s emotional health and has long-term consequences. She cannot continue sticking her head in the sand, refusing to take responsibility…
When the thought of splitting up crosses my mind I get sad, and feel like I wouldn’t be able to do it without her,
It’s nice of you to try to make things work out with her, being tolerant and everything, but be aware what’s at stake here. I do hope that she will see that she is in fact causing emotional harm to your son, and will choose to do something about it.
August 16, 2021 at 9:06 am #384858anitaParticipant
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by TeaK.
You are welcome. My objective in this post is to understand your wife better.
How you met: “She worked at a horse farm and I was delivering hay”.
Taking on the horse boarding business: “her partner decided that she didn’t want to do horses anymore.. so the boarding part of the business was.. given to my wife to run as her own business. Now she was making no money, because everything she made, she was putting back into the business”.
Her work hours: “she leaves around 5am, comes back home so I can leave for work around 8am, then she .. (leaves).. She gets home around 8-9pm”.
Yesterday, you added: “she can’t change her hours because of her job, and she has no help, and she took on another client this week, and didn’t tell me because she knew I would get mad about that… She is very messy at home.. her side of the room has clothes, shoes, books, and other things strewn about. At work her feed room is very organized… My son.. doesn’t have a lot of time with his mother”.
Overall, what is most important to her by far is working with horses, currently boarding horses- which is an extremely difficult job that requires many, many hours of hard physical and mental effort and dedication. Far, far.. far less important to her is being a mother to your son and a wife to you.
Diana S. Fleischman, Ph.D., is an evolutionary psychologist who on December 2020, wrote an article that applies to your wife, “Why So Many Girls and Women Adore Horses”. She wrote: “In both he USA and Great Britain, over 90% of horse owners are women. Three out of 4 students enrolled in riding schools in Europe are women.. One question people have asked me many times, as an evolutionary psychologist interested in human-animal relationships is why are women and girls so into horses?”
She goes on to explain that from nature/ evolution standpoint, men exert power over their environment through physical force: hunting, fighting enemies (other men, wild animals), etc. Women who are physically smaller and weaker than men exert power over their environment by .. taming and training a man, so that the man will hunt for her, protect her from enemies, etc.
She goes on to say that girls/ women taming and training horses is a form of play, preparing the woman to train.. men.
Back to your wife: she feels that the place where she has influence/ power over her environment is not at home but outside the home, with horses. This is why she works so hard and long there. I think that she feels powerless at home and everywhere else, in regard to having influence over others, that when at home, she feels that she has no use, that she is making no difference and that she is not influencing anyone or anything. So, she stays away from home, spending the majority of her time and effort where she feels that she has use, where she feels that she is making a difference.
There is also the Habit Factor: she’s done horses for so long, way before she met you: that’s what she did, that’s what she still does, that’s what she is used to be doing, and out of sheer habit: that’s what she is strongly inclined to keep doing.
anitaSeptember 9, 2021 at 2:35 am #385987TeaKParticipant
how are you? Have you managed to come up with some agreement with your wife?