Dear Anita,

“the lion protects the deer from the wolf because if the wolf eats the deer, guess who’s going to stay hungry?”

It makes sense. A tricky subtlety for a child’s mind, but easier to understand as an adult.

“Historically, I felt uncomfortable giving and/ or receiving affection, but I am getting more comfortable with it. Still awkward though. So, I’ll express it once in a while, not in every post.”

I understand, and I don’t mind.

Thankfully, I was lucky enough to have been exposed to affection (despite the low personal investment from my part due to my caution and poor social skills) from several friends who weren’t shy with affection (more physical than with words, often, but it varied from people to people). I found were able to drop the awkwardness for some, then it would get back depending on the circumstances. But I find, despite the awkwardness, it’s still worth it when the connection is good.

I don’t have much daydream lately, but sometimes, after or before our conversation, it happened that I imagine an alternative reality in which meeting each other would have been a possibility. I wondered whether we’d still get along and how awkward it’d be. I figured, if somehow we’d still appreciate each other and therefore affection would have be not entirely unwelcomed, that I would probably ask you if it’s alright before giving it. It’s awkward to ask but it’s more comfortable to have clear consent even for little things. And I appreciate how mindful we’re trying to be (while staying true to who we are!) in this conversation, so I find it interesting to imagine what it looks like in more real context.

Have a good afternoon Anita, I hope you’ll sleep well enough tonight!

Linarra