Dear Linarra:

“And experiencing it takes… trying? It seems too easy…it could be easier than what I’ve been made to believe“– you adapted/ habituated very well to living with your mother, so it became .. easy for you to live with her, and difficult to leave. For someone who is not habituated to living with a Monster, it would be very difficult to live with her, and  easy to leave.

“I’m still unsure what is the right help for me, practically speaking“- someone to wake you up to how uncomfortable it really is to live with her. When you experience living with her to be too difficult to endure, it will be easy for you to leave. If I was to be that someone, I think you’d hate me for taking away your habituation-comfort.

“What is the necessary push/amount of trying to trigger motivation and good things… and what is too forceful and will drive me into a corner of negative feelings of helplessness and inadequacy“-

– any amount of me pushing you will be too much, too forceful. It’s not about me or you pushing yourself, it’s about you .. relaxing and seeing Her and your situation as it is, without the habituation lenses. It will take courage, not pressure, to see it as it is. When you do, it will become easy to leave.

“I am uncertain of my capacity of recognizing what is good for me“- freedom from the Monster is good for you, no doubt.

“Thank you, our conversation is helping my focus, it is significant even if I can’t figure out things too quickly. At least I can tell this is good. And the connection helps, because it makes it less academical, more emotional… I got the feeling you noticed my tendencies to withdraw into academic knowledge when I am overwhelmed/confused/lost/afraid. I appreciate how you get my attention back to things that matters and that I overlook/avoid. It is different in a challenging but interesting way”-

– too precious to not copy. You are welcome and I am glad we are having our conversation, it is significant for me too and I love our connection! Like you I was very academic. Becoming emotional is the growing of branches and leaves and blossoms that I’ve been talking about. Also, life with branches and leaves is way more interesting than the life of a bare tree trunk!

anita