Dear Linarra:

I didn’t yet read your recent post and will reply to the previous and then the recent, part by part:

“it’s a special word, I want it it to be special, and use it when it’ll be safe“- love is a word that is often misused. A mother misuses it (1) ignorantly when she truly feels affection for the child in between abuses, and her affection is not returned. She does not understanding that a child is not able to appreciate and feel affection for the abuser in between repeated beatings, physical or verbal, (2) purposefully when she gets indignant and says things like: I love you and you don’t love me back!, so to create a guilty conscience in the child for receiving affection and not being able to feel it in return.

Occasional affection in between abuses is not Love. When there is abuse- there is no love. This is why between you and me there never will be abuse, not in its “mildest” form of.. casual disrespect, and not in any other form.

“Plus I’m living with a monster who has been messing with my head since my birth, not exactly the most reassuring thing ever. I understand it very well, this kind of worry. It is why I need to be emotionally mature and responsible!.. to be worthy of your trust in me, to be worthy of saying ‘I love you’ meaningfully“- I don’t adequately understand what I quoted here: what you are referring to in “this kind of worry”, supposedly my worry?

“And I want to deserve it, to be worthy“- you do deserve love and you are worthy of love!

“I’ve been worried about letting it slip during one of my posts in the middle of the night, in a timing that wouldn’t be right… my sleepy mind very often think ‘oh it’s Anita, I love her, let’s tell her!’“-

-I learned most recently that it is these spontaneous eruptions of positive emotion that are most trustworthy.. what a difference it makes to spontaneously express what you feel inside vs the academic/ robotic way of life.. being so careful and suspicious of emotions.

How can Affection be Wrong.. why is it a Problem.. I remember (and I probably mentioned it) the night I thought my mother killed herself, looking for her in the dark night, finding her and RUNNING to her with the most intense affection/ love imaginable… running to her only to be greeted with anger as she accused me of .. overreacting, I think. What happened to that affection blocked by her anger… an affection accused of being Wrong, a Problem… well, it becomes wrong and a problem.

“In the end I let it slip today because… you suggested I could hate you! And not even for a reasonable reason, for being good to me! I couldn’t let it go! Plus, you did mention the word ‘love’ in relation to our connection so it relieved a bit of the worry of maybe offended you or rushing you too much“-

– I love you too, Linarra!

“when we’ll exchange our emails I’ll have to tell you about my real name!”- I thought about it, I wondered to myself: what is your real name. When we do exchange email (it can happen anytime you want to, no rush), I will find out your name, how exciting! Mine is anita.

“It seems very unlikely for me to be able to do either of your suggestions, but I did look into it at least to visualize better. It doesn’t hurt to learn more about what possibilities existing out there“- okay.

“Just so you know, I’ve been ready to feel and use this word in regard to you without expectations of reciprocation, so you don’t have to say it“- I said it above, in boldface, naturally!

“And sometimes the word doesn’t even have to be written or said, when someone cares it is noticeable“- thank you for saying this. I still remember telling Her: I-love-you because I thought I was supposed to, and how it made me feel: disgusted from the inside out. So, I have trouble saying these words and I don’t want to feel an inner-pressure to say them. So, I don’t expect to say them often and .. I wouldn’t feel comfortable closing posts with that word, like I thought of doing yesterday. I will say the words when it feels genuine and comfortable, like earlier in this post. And you are welcome to say these words when it feels right or.. true, natural.

“I feel affection for you just as you are, no expectation or disappointment, because the foundation of this affection is the trust and appreciation we have been building during our conversations, and it is plenty enough to make me feel that way“- it is as if I am the one who wrote this part here, I couldn’t have said it better!

“I might be talking too much, but I wanted you to know… Clear communication is important for me… This makes me worry about the possibility my rambles might make things even more unclear! Or too awkward for you. Well… if it does you can just tell me, I’ll try to be less messy“-

– no, you are not messy or unclear or rambling.. This is making me think of myself, of how messy I felt because of my conflicting emotions, strong shame, strong guilt, confusion. I tried to compensate for all that turmoil with my academic/ intellectual/ analytical Thinking Persona. But that persona did not calm my turmoil nor did it increase my understanding of what I most needed to understand. Surprisingly, I discovered only recently, and still discovering: it is the spontaneous expressions of emotions (becoming more and  more comfortable with expressing emotions) that calm me and make things.. crystal clear.. amazing, I didn’t know it before!

“I only was able to fall asleep after 5 a.m. (or maybe 6) and I was awake at 7:30 a.m. I guess I’ll be tired today but I’ll try to catch up on that. I can only imagine how you felt when you had insomnia for long periods!“- strangely, there were days following insomnia that felt very good, but overall, no. It is now Friday 9 am my time, 6 pm your time. I hope that you have a much better night tonight, I wish you would!

anita