Dear Linarra:

“what if she invents a brand new way to destroy me and I can’t take it without numbing myself, which could lead to an emotional withdraw from my relationships.. Meaning that indirectly I could let the monster have an impact on you if I am not able to protect myself well enough“-

– I don’t think that she can invent “a brand new way to destroy” you, not a mental/ emotional way, because the time of your great mental vulnerability to her has passed long ago. You are too numb to her now. I see living with her more of a maintaining the harm she caused you than creating new harm.

“Or when you mentioned your thoughts about the possibility of hearing her while having a phone call with me, things like that“- I would rather not hear her, but I can handle hearing her in the background. I just don’t want her coming at me directly (picking up the phone, sending me an email, and such).

“I really want to do what is best for our connection, to not let the monster ruin this good thing for us, but I am less confident so I cannot make it a promise (it wouldn’t be right). I can only say I’ll try my best on my healing journey, so I can prevent to possibilities that it comes to that as much as I can“-

– You are very conscientious, very caring.. this makes me think of the adjective I ended my last message to you: beautiful! I accept your good intention and non-promise!

“I feel internal conflict I guess, between what I want (be a reliable, strong person, with no ties to a monster that could harm directly or indirectly those I love) and what I think I’m able to do (… not much). It makes me feel disappointed in myself“-

– I am not disappointed in you. You are honest with me, completely, you tell it just as it is. My expectations are realistic: I understand that it is possible, and not unlikely, that you will be living with her for as long as you are both alive. Thinking about visiting you in France, I was envisioning you still living with her.. I see it as very likely. I was not at all worried that she will follow you to our meeting place at the park. Besides, even if she did, I would just leave, with you, if you join me, for the remainder of the visit. (It crossed my mind to sponsor you to the U.S., by the way.. crazy idea, isn’t it).

“You are too, so so so much“- thank you!

“They always find a way to twist affection. Whether it is by imposing their affection in-between abuse, forcing us to express affection we do not genuinely feel… rejecting, shaming, making wrong the affection we genuinely felt. What THEY did to us was so wrong“- yes.

“I feel safer in our connection than I did in any other one… and I have many friends (for someone who fear people). Yet I still worry. Because it is still new to me, and I am very grateful to have you in my life, so I really want to do things right“- given who you are and who I am, I don’t see how our connection can possibly go wrong. I don’t think it can.

“I’m ready for it at any time“- tomorrow, when we are both online, we can do it the way I suggested before. (I am excited because it may mean that I will be able to hear your voice soon.. when we are ready, of course).

“Oh, there’s a thing I’ve been curious about. Usually, people do use the uppercase at the beginning of their name, except maybe when in a rush, but you seem to never do. Is there a reason to it? And if so do you prefer I drop the uppercase, writing “Dear anita” instead of “Dear Anita” at the beginning of my posts?“- I would like you to address me just as you have so far. The reason I use lower case is because it is easier to type that way: I don’t have to hold the “Shift” key every time I type my name. And I do type my name at the end of every post, similar to signing a letter at the end.

“This similarity between us is somehow very helpful because you understand it well. The cores emotions, the ‘not so helpful’ coping mechanism and… what really helped you. I want to follow you on this path“- I think that we are walking on this path side by side. You are helping me no less than I am helping you!

“Very often, when I read your reply to me or other members, something in me is soothed. I really admire you and the way you go about things, the way you use your words“- I feel good reading this, with a smile, thank you!

“Being tired and in some physical pain today made me less patient with my mother. And earlier, just hearing her loud happy voice as she was playing another role, I was very overwhelmed. I almost felt the physical pain getting to my brain just hearing her. I had to take loud breathes (lately I need to do that a lot, especially when she’s around…) When I am tired and not exactly numb or patient, she doesn’t even need to hurt me to be suffocating. Her entire existence is difficult to bear“-

– exactly my experience with Her, she didn’t have to say or do anything wrong or offensive.. it was just her existence in my life that felt offensive! I never read this (in more than 6 years) from any other member, this very point.

What pain did you/ do you feel.. a headache?

It is now Sat 12:49 an your time, I hope you are sleeping restfully!

anita