Dear Anita,

” I hope that you fall asleep before I submit the next post to you, as it is ow 10:13 pm your time. Good night beautiful Linarra!”

I was indeed asleep before your last post, and I slept longer this time! Despite the coffee I had earlier I still feel a bit tired so felt the need to stretch a bit to make me feel more awake. It feels good, my body feels more alive, less numb, and I’m smiling because writing to you makes me similar. I feel good, more alive, less numb. Unlike the state I tend to fall into after too much inner fighting and survival around my home.

I want to cherish this warm feeling, I want to remember it, I want to learn how to nurture it, protect it… or how to find it again more easily if I lose it. If I’m able to make it stronger, this little warmth, maybe I will have more energy to grow.

“I just don’t want her coming at me directly (picking up the phone, sending me an email, and such).”

She won’t. I know she is capable of such things because she did similar awful things to my sister’s connections. But she never did with me, as I knew early enough how to not attract her attention on my connections.

I don’t speak of my friends with her. Only the bare minimum for her to not be suspicious when she askes, because if she feels like I hiding something she will start to be annoying/dangerous, but if I make it like I’m not hiding anything she ceases to listen to me. Because she doesn’t care what happens in my life as long as it doesn’t smell like “drama potential”. And I’m very good to give her the impression nothing in my life and my relationships have anything that could interest her. Nothing good, nothing bad, so nothing potentially exciting for her. Thankfully I can still feel positive emotions without having her suspicious, though, because she’s used to see me happy alone, as I am daydreaming, and she’s not investigating on that.

So I am confident enough in my ability to prevent such possibilities. Twice as much since she doesn’t know how to speak or read english (and wouldn’t go through such an effort as learning).

“You are very conscientious, very caring.. this makes me think of the adjective I ended my last message to you: beautiful! I accept your good intention and non-promise!”

It makes me feel really happy when you call me “beautiful“, it makes me feel valued… It gives me strength.

“Thinking about visiting you in France, I was envisioning you still living with her.. I see it as very likely. I was not at all worried that she will follow you to our meeting place at the park. Besides, even if she did, I would just leave, with you, if you join me, for the remainder of the visit.”

It is very unlikely she would follow, since I would make her believe I am having an uninteresting meeting (for her) with my high school friends if she inquiries, but yes even if it were to happen we wouldn’t have to put up with her for long. With other people, I am uncomfortable rejecting her publicly because it is frowned upon when people do that to their own parents so they could side with her against me (I hated when it happened when I was even only showing a bit of unhappiness with her as a child/teen), but with you I wouldn’t have to worry about that.

“(It crossed my mind to sponsor you to the U.S., by the way.. crazy idea, isn’t it).”

I am deeply touched it crossed your mind. It is no small thing to think about.. it shows you care a lot.

I never saw U.S. as a place I wanted to live. For a lot of reasons I am still feeling unable to leave France yet, even if I was able to leave home I would still feel more comfortable being in some familiarity… it seems overwhelming to change everything at once, not only having to adapt to a new place but also to a new country and its systems…

That being said, I still very warm at the idea you had such thoughts. I imagined how it would feel if it was possible (in an alternative reality) to live close to you, being able to meet each other easily when we feel like it. It felt really good to imagine, maybe not realistic, but the idea of being near someone I love brings me happiness. (Usually, I would feel anxious mentioning something that cannot realistically happen at the moment because it makes me feel pressured, but right now I am able to imagine it without feeling the pressure because I know even if I share this thought with you, you won’t build unrealistic expectations and pressure me.)

” given who you are and who I am, I don’t see how our connection can possibly go wrong. I don’t think it can.”

I don’t think either, it would surprise me if it did. I believe any anxiety I felt/could still feel when interacting with you is entirely irrational and the remains of what the monster did to me. Because you are safe, our connection is safe, I trust you. You never did anything to make me feel bad, any worries and anxiety are born from the long-lasting trauma that started in my childhood and repeated itself, again and again, still going on to this day.

I am glad that despite my experience, I am able to believe and trust someone again… Years ago I wasn’t able to trust, even the friends that didn’t hurt me (“didn’t hurt me yet”, I was thinking) I couldn’t trust. For some, it took years for me to start trusting and even then I had some strong emotional wall built up. Now I am a bit more trained to recognize who I can trust, so I could trust you very easily. I am still less experienced with showing emotions and allowing myself to feel them, but I’m glad I can practice it with you! Experiencing love without having to worry, what a strange, pleasant thing! For the first time I’m starting to think it is possible that feeling strong love for someone isn’t “too much” or “bad”, it can be just right when the connection is good on both sides.

” tomorrow, when we are both online, we can do it the way I suggested before. (I am excited because it may mean that I will be able to hear your voice soon.. when we are ready, of course).”

I’m excited too! However, today (Saturday) I’m going to my friend’s (the one I mentioned before), in the afternoon we’ll be out and I don’t know how long it’ll last or what we will do during the evening. If somehow there’s still a time we can both be online together I’ll take the opportunity because I’m looking forward to that. But just in case I warn you it might be more complicated this weekend than the other days. So I’ll tell you whether it is possible or not. If you do not hear from me it might be because it’s too busy or I’m having trouble getting an internet connection, but if everything goes well I should still be able to contact you.

“I would like you to address me just as you have so far.” Good, I will!

“I think that we are walking on this path side by side. You are helping me no less than I am helping you!”

Side by side.. I like it! Being with you, by your side!

“exactly my experience with Her, she didn’t have to say or do anything wrong or offensive.. it was just her existence in my life that felt offensive! I never read this (in more than 6 years) from any other member, this very point.”

When someone hurt you so bad, and with an intent to hurt, a pleasure to hurt… it is a personal offense to keep them around, a disrespect to yourself because of… course you wouldn’t be comfortable with them even when they aren’t doing any bad! (It is only through confusion and emotional manipulation, and numbness that someone ends up bearing through this offense and this hurt.)

Sometimes I feel like my mother is an offense to the world, even when she’s interacting with an outsider without hurting them or me, I am feeling very very bad. That’s because she can’t be trusted to not switch to hurting at any time… Because I will never be able to trust her again with anyone or anything, even if she was able to change I wouldn’t be able to feel safe with her. Her existence is hurting me, she hurt me so bad that mental scars the left on my brain are burning in her presence, even when she isn’t doing anything bad.

That’s just how it is… I won’t feel sorry for that. I don’t care if she gave birth to me, I don’t care if she fed me, I don’t care if she helped me about anything, I don’t care if feels affection for me sometimes, I don’t care if she’d feel lonely without me and my siblings. It doesn’t make up for the many time she hurt me, it will never. She never acknowledged the harm she did to me, and will never. Even if she did, she would do it in an attempt of manipulating me to make me stay. The only good thing she could do at this point: get away from my life/let me leave and never ever try to contact me again. That would be the only fair thing. If one is acknowledging she hurt someone to the point her mere presence is hurting them, then the only respectful thing to do is to stop the hurting by staying away. But she won’t get to that understanding and acknowledgment, I’ll have to be the one who leaves and never turn back.

Of course, my abilities are slowing me down on that process, but I understand this truth better and better. I’m less and less confused.

“What pain did you/ do you feel.. a headache?”

For the physical pain, I’m feeling lately, it is mostly teeth aches (I seem to have a wisdom tooth painfully growing, and maybe some tooth cavity somewhere else). As for the mental pain feeling almost physical,  it thankfully didn’t grow into a headache but when I was near her it is like my brain is burning, my neurons burning down, telling me to leave, telling me being near her isn’t good for me.

I have to get myself ready for this weekend. I hope you’re sleeping well tonight, sweet Anita!

Linarra