Dear Linarra:

“I slept longer this time!“- I slept better last night myself! Last evening, early evening at the taproom, the server, her name is Arianna, her real name. It felt so strange when I called her Linarra, instead of Arianna. It was the first time that I said your (screen) name out loud!

“It feels good, my body feels more alive, less numb, and I’m smiling because writing to you makes me similar. I feel good, more alive, less numb. Unlike the state I tend to fall into after too much inner fighting and survival around my home”– this could become a possible motivation,  moving you to desire leaving your home: to feel “good, more alive”!

“I want to cherish this warm feeling, I want to remember it, I want to learn how to nurture it, protect it… or how to find it again more easily if I lose it. If I’m able to make it stronger, this little warmth, maybe I will have more energy to grow“- I wrote the above before I read this part and it fits: “more energy to”.. move out (or have her move out)! How else can you nurture feeling alive other than removing that which keeps you in a state of death or dying…

Of course, no pressure, there is no pressure in the above, no expectation either!

“she doesn’t care what happens in my life as long as it doesn’t smell like ‘drama potential’. And I’m very good to give her the impression nothing in my life and my relationships have anything that could interest her. Nothing good, nothing bad, so nothing potentially exciting for her“- keeping yourself .. dead: nothing happening.. so to fulfil her expectation of you  being.. not alive/ not interesting.

“Thankfully I can still feel positive emotions without having her suspicious“- the living-dead.. hiding the life inside.

“she doesn’t know how to speak or read english (and wouldn’t go through such an effort as learning)“- so.. you can live a little bit under the cover of English.

“It makes me feel really happy when you call me “beautiful“, it makes me feel valued… It gives me strength“- I will tell you then a bit  more about calling out your screen name at the taproom early last evening: the serve is physically beautiful, about your age, so I said to her: “You are beautiful Linarra”, and then I added with some embarrassment, “Oh, did I say Linarra?” It occurred to me that the reason I used your name instead of hers is because of the word “beautiful”, because I said it to you earlier (in addition to the similar sound of the two names)

“I am uncomfortable rejecting her publicly because it is frowned upon when people do that to their own parents“- but it is not frowned upon when parents reject their own children. A child can die a thousand deaths in her own home for years and years.. and no one cares.

I wrote to you: “It crossed my mind to sponsor you to the U.S“, and you responded: “I am deeply touched it crossed your mind. It is no small thing to think about.. it shows you care a lot“-

Here is what I hear my mother saying (in my mind’s ear) in response to my sentence in boldface (translated to English): “Oh, you would.. sponsor me to the US, really.. like you care about me that you’d go through the trouble..? I know you ungrateful b^^&&, you wh***, you don’t give a sh*** about me, you (hit, hit, hit) after all I did for you, the hard work, every day, giving you the best food, the best clothes.. and all you will do for me is sponsor me.. then leave me alone to struggle while you go about to have your own life.. forgetting about all I did for you…? (and on and on… and on.. and on.. and on)

“I am able to imagine it without feeling the pressure because I know even if I share this thought with you, you won’t build unrealistic expectations and pressure me“-correct.

I wrote to you: “given who you are and who I am, I don’t see how our connection can possibly go wrong. I don’t think it can”, and you responded: “I don’t think either, it would surprise me if it did. I believe any anxiety I felt/could still feel when interacting with you is entirely irrational and the remains of what the monster did to me. Because you are safe, our connection is safe, I trust you. You never did anything to make me feel bad, any worries and anxiety are born from the long-lasting trauma that started in my childhood and repeated itself, again and again, still going on to this day“-

-You are safe, our connection is safe, I trust you. You never did anything to make me feel bad. You did so much to make me feel good. Thank you!

“I am glad that despite my experience, I am able to believe and trust someone again… I am still less experienced with showing emotions and allowing myself to feel them, but I’m glad I can practice it with you! Experiencing love without having to worry, what a strange, pleasant thing! For the first time I’m starting to think it is possible that feeling strong love for someone isn’t “too much” or “bad”, it can be just right when the connection is good on both sides” – precious to read!

I relate as I think: it is possible to feel love without being crushed for it!

“today (Saturday) I’m going to my friend’s… If you do not hear from me it might be because it’s too busy or I’m having trouble getting an internet connection, but if everything goes well I should still be able to contact you“- I hope your visit with your friend is going well. We can try to connect for this purpose tomorrow, or Monday.

“Side by side.. I like it! Being with you, by your side!“- I like it too!

“When someone hurt you so bad, and with an intent to hurt, a pleasure to hurt… it is a personal offense to keep them around, a disrespect to yourself because of… course you wouldn’t be comfortable with them even when they aren’t doing any bad!…my mother is an offense to the world..  because she can’t be trusted to not switch to hurting at any time… Because I will never be able to trust her again with anyone or anything“- this is why I said earlier that Trust is so important, the most important. I am pleased that you understand me so well.

“even if she was able to change I wouldn’t be able to feel safe with her“- it wouldn’t be fair for yourself or anyone else to expect the decades-long victim to re-evaluate the mental state of the victimizer. After being hurt by her so massively and for so long, without any significant efforts on her part (if any) to correct her abusive behaviors toward you.. there is no going back for you. Maybe people who didn’t terribly suffer from her can trust her.. (hypothetical and very, very unlikely) change. Strangers, people who will meet her for the first time after her.. change, maybe they can trust her in their lives.

“I don’t care if she gave birth to me, I don’t care if she fed me… She never acknowledged the harm she did to me… The only good thing she could do at this point: get away from my life/let me leave and never ever try to contact me again. That would be the only fair thing. If one is acknowledging she hurt someone to the point her mere presence is hurting them, then the only respectful thing to do is to stop the hurting by staying away. But she won’t get to that understanding and acknowledgment, I’ll have to be the one who leaves and never turn back”– perfectly stated.

“I’m less and less confused“- it is like a breath of fresh air, for me to read this

“it is mostly teeth aches (I seem to have a wisdom tooth painfully growing, and maybe some tooth cavity somewhere else)“- you must see a dentist, a gum infection can travel to the brain, it can be dangerous, please see a professional as soon as possible!

“when I was near her it is like my brain is burning, my neurons burning down, telling me to leave, telling me being near her isn’t good for me“- that’s the affect my mother’s presence (physical and mental) had on me. My neurons really did get damaged, permanently (I still suffer from tics which include movements that involve physical distress).

“I hope you’re sleeping well tonight, sweet Anita!“- I did sleep better than the night before. I hope you are having a pleasant evening, sweet Linarra!

anita