Dear Anita,

“(I am thinking out loud): when you expressed certain emotions, she felt threatened by your emotions and attacked you, so to kill you and your emotions.. while keeping the physical you alive. Of course, she couldn’t kill your thinking and imagining.. so you think/ imagine (day dream) without appearing emotionally alive.”

It is like this, she did care about keeping me physically alive, but not mentally, but thankfully she couldn’t kill everything happening inside. She could just kill my ability to express it. And well… When you don’t express, you’re not acknowledged by the world, you don’t feel real… You cannot expand, grow, belong somewhere. I was a floating ghost, barely noticeable, belonging nowhere, but able to pass through social check because I also wasn’t problematic. Being nothing is not much of a problem to others. It is just an obstacle when you crave for deep meaningful connections that would make you feel like existing.

“but my point is, even that money that meant something I wanted to do for myself.. for the first time.. even that money meant nothing to her, she returned it not because I asked (I didn’t ask for it, didn’t mention  it, asked her to use it and to not return it to me), but because.. well, she said it is too little

I lost my highest functional point in life for.. nothing. She never relieved me from the guilt she imposed on me, it was always: I OWED her money..”

You concretely should have owed her nothing. Parents who are not ready to put money into their children selflessly shouldn’t be parents. Children are not a financial investment supposed to bring more money… Family is not a bank, where the money/time you invest is supposed to be returned with interest. Your mother shouldn’t have had kids, ever. And since she had, she was wrong to act as if it was her right to… destroy your mental health and demand from you more and more. She absolutely missed the point, she could have had a beautiful relationship with you and she throws it away for… money she wish she could have had.

“oh, how different my life would have been if my mother felt this way about me.. if I saw love in her eyes instead of DEBT! YOU OWE ME!!! If only she told me these things… all the unnecessary pain I suffered wouldn’t have taken place.”

It would have been so different, so much more beautiful and healthy. You didn’t do anything wrong, she was the one who messed up and twisted your relationship. She was the one who created misery in both of your lives… For very wrong reason. Money isn’t everything. Love worth so much more than luxury and wealth. But her values and heart never was in the right place. You tried to put up with that and make her happy anyway… Yet, she didn’t value it, she didn’t deserve it.

“I don’t suffer from this guilt anymore, not for years.. the longest time, but I suffered from it for decades, and intensely, daily.. the guilt and sense of indebtedness to her was EXCRUCIATING.”

She had so much power over you for so long… I’m am glad you’re free from this guilt now. You deserve to live and feel for yourself.

“good to read this, please take good care of your health”

I will try, thank you for caring.

“-I hope you told her the above, clearly and as simply as possible, so she knows. You can tell her that if she gives you feedback on the things you are not sure about, that will help you greatly. Ask her if it’s okay with her if you ask her for such feedback, for example, asking her: did I talk too little or too much just now? How did you feel when I said X to you? How do you feel if I go to my room now, will you feel disappointed, etc. (I wouldn’t ask her too  many of these questions at a short amount of time, of course, but space them out). The more honest feedback you get, the more comfortable- over time- you are likely to be.”

I didn’t but I will try. I managed to have a good conversation with her though, I explained some of my worries and where it came from and she understood and explained her thoughts and feelings.

I will try to see if I can get more honest feedback from her once in a while, if I’m able to ask it naturally.

Linarra