Hi Anita,

Another really awful day today, again, out of the blue. Why is this happening?

we had an office zoom meeting in the morning..it was hard to get motivated for it as its the end of summer so we are really feeling it, people have been so demanding this year. The young girl who replaced me in my old job has been working less than 6 months, she has been leading our weekly office meetings (when i did it i was interrupted, disagreed with and talked down to! by colleagues AND boss) but this girl is more street and local and she gets less stress than i did. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting she started to ask what to do about giving clients to….me (name) as though i was not right there? because, she explained, she thought some clients talk really fast (in her native language)..and maybe they would not want to work with me….there was a silence. She seemed to suggest i couldn´t handle the enquiries because of the language barrier (im not greatly fluent sometimes i struggle and as for help) but it came across as really racist to me. She is young and full of confidence, perhaps she thought she could single me out, being the only foreigner and everyone would agree with her authority? My boss as usual said nothing but looked sulky.By the way, we have to be able to speak english too..i hardly hear her speak it, she doesnt say much…so i guess she is not that fluent but wouldnt you know it, no one cares about that.

I found myself, yet again, after 7 years experience, defending my position and my work, which is proven with receipts. The large majority of our clients speak other languages and communicate in English but this is an issue of national pride that has always been a nerve. I laughed and said then we should then count the clients whose language i can speak as mine (i speak 3 languages more or less fluently) Once again it was ME who had to stand up and defend herself for standing out physically and culturally.

Later after the meeting i asked why this issue was raised and she said it was her idea and then got passive aggressive saying i took it the wrong way. Then she apologised. Two colleagues came to my defense and the rest stared blankly and said nothing. The whole time during our meeting i also received an irate call from a client 2x and this lost me a listing because a colleague had been sloppy.

I was so angry and upset that i couldnt even see my screen straight, i had to keep working through my frustration and anger.

Throughout this summer i have worked SO hard that sometimes i cry at the end of the day, i wish i was joking. I have developed chronic back and arm pains from desk work, when i have a minute, i take my dog for the walks she needs so often or i eat at my computer while working.

I have no one to help, i just have to do it.

How do i get out of this black hole? I cant work this hard for ever because i know it would kill me, i already feel suicidal from this pace, from the miserable feelings i have. I feel trapped because i literally cant seem to make enough although i have 2 jobs. Younger generations are so much smarter, they know more…i just feel tired and beaten. We are getting a new colleague we are told, i saw her, she is very young so will have plenty of energy..instead of help and support, we are threatened with losing our jobs.

I dont know what to do…i need someone to recognize that what happened was wrong! i feel everyone looks the other way.