Hi Murtaza

Five minutes after posting the bit about what I was working on I wanted to delete it. A attempt to understand my own thoughts, it was a mess and embarrassing.  Been such a weird headspace these last few months.

I do remember ‘No Country for Old Men’. So many people thought it was such a great movie and I hated it as I found it nihilistic. Giving up to the idea of fate, luck, chance whatever you want to call it is my kryptonite.

I hated the movie because a part of me feared it reflected a truth and my greatest fear. That accepting that as a truth, I couldn’t see how it couldn’t end in despair. And if that the case I want off the ride…

The above actually matches my Enneagram type, both its hope and fear. Observation/Investigation and Detachment is my gift but also my weakness. A healthy detachment and engagement can so easily turn into Indifference, apathy and disengagement. (odd how one’s gifts are also one’s curse, the thing to overcome. Batman is partially responsible for the creation of the Joker. You might argue that one does not exist without the other. But that may be binary thinking)

I also tend to let things happen but then become upset that things haven’t worked out as I think/demand they should have. My challenge is to remain engaged even ‘knowing’ at some level that thigs are and will be as they are and must be. That we are more influenced by things that our outside our control then that we have influence over. (As above so below having more influence then as below so above… still the latter is possible)

I don’t know Murtaza…. Do I think change is possible?

I’ve observed others that appear to do it….  Albert Einstein noted that “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.” That a binary either or problem  requires a third “force” , a new level of consciousness, to create the new.  I think that is true but is a something that you can’t ‘will’ into being , one can allow it… A act of will which is  a letting go of ones will.  That is scurry which I guess is why most never do it. (The letting go of will is not passive but very much active engagement which feels like a paradox and likely why its so difficult. )

What are we accepting when we don’t choose… even if an illusion, is still a choice? Another paradox.

Like you I desire to have all the info before making a choice. Unlike you I don’t feel quilt when, as I almost always, get it wrong and desire a do over.  I do though often feel shame which has me wanting to crawl into my hole and disengage. Shame for being a something that is wrong more then shame for having done something wrong. So many places to trip oneself up.

What keeps me from crawling into a hole or immerging when I find myself in one…. I guess I still have a kind of hope. Hope that the “third force” (new level of consciousness is possible) might break the stuckness and point to a Fourth Way.

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ― Albert Einstein

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Peter.