Dear sossi:

Yesterday, at 44 or 45, you shared: “I’ve reached the middle of the lifecycle and my conclusion of humanity is that people are judgmental and mean and frightened. Who is going to challenge that I wonder? is someone interesting finally going to walk past and give me a reason to hope there is more to this“-

– When we experienced something  bad enough in childhood, for a long time, we keep re-living that bad experience in adulthood. It so happens that your mother was judgmental and mean and frightened, so you experience humanity this way.

You wrote yesterday: “Today I got some good work news and it was a boost for a bit, I did well lately, or at least I tried. But its a hollow kind of victory. I think I’ve achieved what I wanted to in this job and this place. I wanted some respect, I wanted people to notice my ability and I wanted to be recognized for the hard work I put in“-

-Earlier this year, you shared: “only a few years ago, I achieved something amazing, my first home and renovation.. my mother never wanted to come and see it. When she did finally, she seemed sulky and attributed the success to her suggestions. I have done two renovations and she had the same reaction”- your mother did not respect you, she did not notice your ability, she did not recognize you for the hard work you put in. And this was the case when you were a child. So, you get to experience the same thing in adulthood, from all of humanity.

Still about your mother, you shared earlier this year: “she had a lack of understanding, empathy and seemingly would turn any event back to focus on her own life and problems. You could start talking about something that was bothering you.. and find yourself once again, going over her childhood issues”- she had no empathy for you, she did not understand you, she was selfish… she did not respect you, didn’t notice… you, and you get to re-experience this as an adult.

“when I had a boyfriend over and I was making something in the kitchen my mom would tease me and the boyfriend (as it happened with more than one boyfriend) would join in… This would be seen as a sort of bonding experience for them at my expense”- she took away your good feeling, bonded with your boyfriends, pushing you aside. making you feel badly.

You also shared back then: “when I am feeling successful and confident and beautiful, when it feels like it is radiating out of me.. I feel that is dangerous, because bad things happen, I attract unhappy comments, unhappy people who feel it’s unfair somehow“- as a child and as an adult, when you felt good, your mother took your good feeling away, and as a result, your good feelings don’t last.

“I’ve reached the middle of the lifecycle and my conclusion of humanity is that people are judgmental and mean and frightened. Who is going to challenge that I wonder? is someone interesting finally going to walk past and give me a reason to hope there is more to this“- if you manage to peel your mother off your current experience of life, you will find a way to experience a better a part of humanity, a part of humanity that is unlike your mother… Imagine that.. (?)

anita