Hi Anita and TeaK,

Thank you for your feedback and insights. Im still having a hard time to isolate who is responsible for what. For instance, to say that your parents shaped everything to do with your interactions as we went to school, there were people there too. But my parents had full control of us from a young age. All i know is that ive always had this terrible low self esteem when it comes to demanding my share or my right or something, i kind of crumble, i dont even have that will to stand up for myself and perhaps thats because i was never given that kind of confidence at home.

On the other hand i have enormous inner strength that i dont know how to describe. I thought it was shaped by my previous experiences (in particular with the ex) but it was perhaps there already from when i was much younger, if im totally honest i dont think there are many interactions in my life that have been easy. I get to a point where i trust the person im with and then they throw a curve ball and i feel intensely betrayed. It happens with every person, i cant seem to understand or make the right boundaries to protect myself. Im very distrustful at the start, then trust too much. Its perhaps understandable that i often feel much better alone, exhausted from trying to read people´s intentions. Are they being kind or are they being sarcastic? Why do parties for instance leave me feeling really depressed..going over everything in my head. Some would deduct that my problems are a result of some form of autism but it just never occurred to me that it could simply be the result of emotional bullying from a young age, blocking the enjoyment part.

I only started to link the two things because of my ex´s weird behaviour and over dramatic reactions. The push and pull of the erratic behaviour,  there could be weeks of very sweet and loving behaviour, next, telling you that youre the worst at this or just complete rage out of nowhere and its over. It led me to a lot of deep thinking, confusion over where it was coming from, was it really my fault etc. He played on my weaknesses and things i had told him in confidence, he tried to pick me apart in other ways but that inner strength i had didnt get him far. Where i live is a smaller community than i am used to, i believe there was plenty of gossip about us and my parents knew acquaintances of him who “warned them” about him. But my mother really liked him. Of course, because he was more fun, exciting. they blew hot and cold about him as they do with my sister´s partner also. Approve and disapprove, good and bad, the same push and pull behaviour that leaves you frustrated because you cant win.