Hi Anita and TeaK,

Thank you for your insights, i have been busy and then got sick so i was not in the right frame of mind to respond until now as it takes a lot out of me to write these things. I feel that basically with 2 separate opinions from you both, its fairly conclusive that i have a narcissistic mother since the experiences fit. Sadly also realising the big mental issues with my father. Sometimes i just keep asking myself..how did it get here? I was the person who never had a problem with family earlier in life, things were ok. And my folks were succesful in their life. Us kids just saw they were distant with family and also friends, rarely if ever did they have people over, we had difficulty in having friends over as my mom didnt seem to like it, it created a tension of putting on a show so i associated socializing with that, having to look perfect, having a perfect experience. I realise my sister never even tried to talk to me about it…she just distanced herself (saved herself), as she does now. Now, im facing having a solo christmas…and worried about what to do to not get depressed and feel awful, where do i meet people like me?!!.

I know my parents would prefer to sweep over this episode and pretend everything is fine. I had my birthday recently and my father did in fact come over with a gift..we talked about nothing personal but then he started to say “your mother thinks you are mad at her and not talking to her” …and i felt irritated again, What am i supposed to say this time!? why is my dad pretending he doesnt know? He said he heard that i got angry at her because she was talking about the friends´daughter when i was wanting to complain about work. My mother´s mode is to switch to someone elses situation that she thinks is a really sad but it makes me mad because that means she is denying my feelings, which is unfair. While at the same time gloating over someone else´s pain, also mean!!  She is the one who left angry messages in capitals on my phone and would not stop.

Im still angry, i still feel upset and i dont want to put up with this anymore. This happened at the beginning of September, she has not apologised but wants it to blow over, forgotten. My sister sent my an e-birthday card with an unpersonal message from her family, i only found it today as it was in the junkmail. No doubt both of them are coming up with conclusions that suit their narrative. Its lazy and sad. Its my family. I fully intend to send my niece a christmas present but this involves forward planning and a lot of cost for post…anyway, my relationship with her has been ruined, what can i do about that, shes almost 4 and her mother is still her whole world..the circle continues.

I dont like where i am now…feeling completely alone, feeling frustrated and beaten by life. The only positive in that is, i have nothing to lose really..i could start over completely but its hard, being alone.

I dont like feeling so hypersensitive. this means that any teasing from people is like bullying…i feel so alien to the others..i dont understand the nuances in conversations, i just will never fit in. Im the only one who is not fluent in the common language. I just want to quit. Its so exhausting trying to keep up. And YET. I make money, im succesful, so they shouldnt be so jealous maybe?

I wish i had a relationship with someone, to create something else in my life. But my practical side pulls me back. All of my experiences have been filled with difficulties. I think due to my social anxiety and the above issues. At my age, will i suddenly meet someone who is happy with who i am? who can accept the negatives? It seems far from me.

The idea of “blaming” my state of being on my family doesnt sit well with me at all, since i always believed you could not blame others for your own mistakes or your situation. I always hated it when people said ” well, my childhood…” So here i am blaming myself for being lonely and lost in what to do. But ive struggled all my life. It would be nice to sit back and say, this is why my life has been so hard when others just cant understand it…ive always disappointed people. I could join the whatever is wrong with you club, and commiserate with other people..would that really help?

I know there are other people out there like me but maybe im much worse than i thought. I just dont know. Its very sad. Im really worried about the holidays. I know i need a mental break from this but travel is an issue right now.