Hi Anita and TeaK,

I feel like im holding a whole lot in..most of the time. Basically its lonely to deal with all this and accept, my life is not going to be like others. I know that most women my age are dealing with family issues of their own, kids and husbands and so on, but because of all this ive been through, i havent got a relationship as in the end, when it comes to commitment, your partner has to like what he is marrying into, mine didnt. But it wasnt just that, my social anxiety and the interpretation of human behaviours that i read negatively, made me depressed and unhappy to go out, something my ex needed to be happy. Could i ask him to sympathise more? to allow me to be a quieter person? No, it seems not. Effectively, in my experience..men just leave and find someone more happy and upbeat, more capable to manage life, there´s always another quickly found. So much for love if they find them so fast. For me to reach the point of another person wanting or thinking to commit…was enormous effort and right timing etc. So to lose the connection was devastating, world imploding, as it was effectively the only one i had. Every time my relationships have broken down, i have lost everything i built…my home, friends, work and social status, this last relationship was the only one where i did not move country afterwards.

I guess ive protected myself from these feelings for these years following that. I didnt think i had to make the choice to stay away from my parents but i see i should have instead of seeking any comfort there which was a bad choice. My mother´s negative interpretations colour my own.

People talk about social anxiety like its a badge you can put on your jacket at a festival to show everyone you are cool. Same as depression. Some people who claim they are these things only want attention! but truly dont know what it is.  No one who has this would smile.

I mean, i can physically go places..i can talk to clients, talk to strangers…ive built that up over years like a shield, but there is a limit to my ability to connect with people, a kind of self preservation that kicks in…thats enough talk now, all about business and then run away, i avoid personal questions and feel assaulted when people find out everything about my age, where i am from and then walk off. This keeps me at a distance from others along with my certainty of their behaviours reading as “they dont like me”. Of course the longer this goes on the more they in turn will think ” she doesnt like me” which turns to negative behaviours toward me….I get it but cant work it out.