Anita,

It feels like it’s alive and literally burrowing a hole in my soul. It is draining and just takes over my whole mind. It’s funny that for the longest time I have imagined horrible things happening to Christopher. I have wanted to hurt him back even worse. I don’t know if I will ever really respect him as a human being ever again because he is disappointing on so many levels. He talks big but he is none of the things he talks about.

He is so obsessed with how the world sees him because somehow he thinks that if they acknowledge him off of what they see then he will be happy. He was raised by a single mother and she had a tough time.  This is why I am even more disappointed in him as a human being. I honestly thought he would be more understanding of me seeing that I am a single mother too. Human beings are so disappointing. The more I think about everything I have been through the more I realise that a puritan such as myself is not made for a world full of hypocrites and pretenders. liars and chauvinists. I find it all so appalling, to be honest with you.

I remember having a conversation with him right before I gave up on him. He says to me that he didn’t think our break-up would be as bad as it is at the moment. I remember asking him if he thought it through carefully before he broke up with a woman who had just had a miscarriage. If he had thought of the words that would come out of his mouth. If he had stopped to think that even though he didn’t love me as he so clearly professed to on that day if he had stopped to ask him, self how he would feel if someone said that to him during his darkest time.

His response was so amusing. He says he is sorry. He didn’t think things would get this bad. he says to me sorry several times. he says he is sorry for the horrible things he did to me. But even his apology feels hollow. I ask him if his intention was to completely break me and burn the bridge when he came to talk to me that day. he doesn’t answer me at all. I remember saying to him that if that was his intention then he succeeded.

He keeps saying sorry, which is useless to me. Because he is one person I shared my heart with and he knows full well that I hate the word sorry. sorry is just an empty word said by people who feel bad about what kind of beings they are. It’s 98% not for the person they have hurt with their actions or their words. I find the word sorry very hypocritical and annoying.

I think am rumbling again. lol

Elizabeth