Anita,

I think that Christopher is not as bad a person as you imagine or present him to be, maybe he is not bad at all. I think that for you, he represents this type of person in your early life, meaning, a parent/ adult caretaker who was supposed to take good care of you, but rejected you,  and disappointed you. I think that you are still terribly angry at that person, and projecting that anger to Christopher. 

It’s quite understandable that it may come out biased that I talk about Christopher in this angry tone. He was very special to me. He was my friend even before he became my lover. I met him at a time when I had lost that one person who meant a lot to me.

When I got pregnant I remember I told Christopher about it. he was scared as most men usually are. I was equally scared. but there is one thing I had made clear from the onset that I don’t believe in abortion. so he knew that this was a possibility especially that we never used protection. He stepped up early on. they always do. About 2 weeks after I told him about the pregnancy, he asks me in the morning on our way to work if my parents asked who I would say was responsible for my pregnancy.. you can’t possibly imagine how much that broke my heart. I remember thinking to myself, what kind of a stupid question is this…

I was very much aware that he didn’t plan the pregnancy, neither did i. The pregnancy was riddled with complications. I kept spotting. one time I called him while at work because I had started bleeding. I needed to get to the hospital real quick. He says to me he would call me back and let me know if he manages to get me transport because I didn’t have my car yet. he simply never calls. I found my way to get to the hospital and get treated. Get back to work and he never calls. All the while I felt so guilty that he was going to be tied down to me when it was clear for me to see how that thought made him so unhappy. I could see it on his face, I could hear it each time I called.

This is not the only time I had noticed his attitude. back then when I had something to give he was nice and sweet. When it came to a point where he had to help me he didn’t like it. anything that involved him doing anything for me made him unhappy. I never asked him for anything. In my mind, I thought we were friends.

And you shared that he was relieved when you miscarried after a pregnancy that he did not plan or want, which is quite understandable, to be relieved.. not evil. This I understand. As sad as I was, now I equally realise that my life and that poor child life would have been immensely painful. I have been through pregnancy alone. Baby Daddy was married, but his culture allows polygamy so that was not unusual. But him trying to use my pregnancy to try and manipulate me into doing things I didn’t want to do or control me made me leave him. That pregnancy was not easy. it was a very hard time for me. One thing I know for sure after my first experience is I never want to have a child with someone who doesn’t want to have a child with me. They get so horrible and once is enough for me.

On the day I had a miscarriage, he did drive me to the hospital. He left me there. I called him after I got confirmation. I was in a lot of pain. I felt guilty for that poor soul that never asked to be born and how its life was cut short. I could hear him smile on the phone. During my pregnancy after our conversation, I had resolved that I would do it myself. I couldn’t stand another episode such as the one I had with my first pregnancy. I can never force a child on anyone. So I blocked him from my phone. and just stopped calling him.

That’s what he wanted after all right?

I am not saying I was without blame in the whole situation. I tried to absorb his responsibility for what happened because I felt so guilty for getting pregnant. It ate at me and took over my whole being. Because he didn’t want anyone knowing about my pregnancy, I stupidly told him then we could take a break from each other so that we can throw suspicion from him. he gladly jumped at this. It was so sad watching all this. I felt extremely lonely. In the days that followed after the miscarriage, I was in a lot of pain. I incurred all the expenses and not once did he ever offer to help me out.

He was out on the town hanging with his friends, driving his boss’ car who I later found out he was sleeping with for work favours. Through the doctor’s visits and my hospital stays, he never once came to see me. Each time he saw me its because I begged this guy to come over.

The way he spoke to me, he had neither empathy nor consideration for me. We met two weeks after my miscarriage, my friends had taken me out because I had been mopping about. Bumped into him at a club, then he tries to act like everything is cool and breezy between us. That offended me so much on so many levels.

Two weeks prior he said to me while I was breaking apart that I was directing my love at the wrong person. wow! Broke up with me in the most painful way. As he walks out of my house he says to me don’t think too much and try and get some sleep. I remember asking him if the concern he had just shown at that moment was necessary then. He says to me and I quote, “yeah yeah, I know am evil” very dismissively. To this, I never said a thing. He got in his car and I closed the gate and walked off.

Sometimes it’s possible for people to project. But I doubt I am projecting. Despite how angry I have been, I have made a lot of attempts to reach out to him. I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate.

My parents? as much as they are flawed I know it wasn’t their wish to be that way. They didn’t have a good start. I truly have let it go. Whatever anger I felt towards Christopher was, because of us and no one else. I have admitted to him that the biggest mistake I ever made in our relationship was to place him on a pedestal. That was my doing and I was very honest with him too. One thing he knows for sure despite everything that happened is that I never lie to him.

it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything.

Anyway………

Elizabeth.