Dear Elizabeth:

“It’s quite understandable that it may come out biased that I talk about Christopher in this angry tone. He was very special to me. He was my friend even before he became my lover. I met him at a time when I had lost that one person who meant a lot to me… Whatever anger I felt towards Christopher was, because of us and no one else. I have admitted to him that the biggest mistake I ever made in our relationship was to place him on a pedestal“-

-I see: when you met him you desperately needed a good friend, someone you can trust, someone who’d truly care for you, so you made believe that Christopher is that person. You assumed that he was what you needed, placing him on a pedestal. Your anger is about the gap between that pedestal (who you needed him to be) and ground level (who he is).

Given the specific information in your recent post, I see that he was responsible no less than you for your pregnancy because, like you said, he did not use protection. When you called him about bleeding, and he did not arrange for you to be transported to the hospital ASAP.. and he did not call you to tell you that he will not arrange for your transportation.. and continued to not call you the whole day to inquire about you- that’s extremely irresponsible and cruel. So is the fact that he never visited you at the hospital at any of your stays there.

Both your pregnancy, and your plan to keep the baby were  his responsibility, no less than yours, because you told him ahead of time that you don’t believe in abortions. That he didn’t want your parents and society to know that he would be the father of the baby is his irresponsibility to the baby, to you and to society as a whole. Not offering to pay for the expenses of the miscarriage is.. one more evidence of his extreme irresponsibility and uncaring nature. To top his misbehavior with a cherry on top, he was sleeping with his boss for work favors

“I have and I am still trying hard to find peace in my heart. despite everything, I still have it in me that he is a human being too and doesn’t deserve this much hate… it’s not only a baby I lost. I lost my love and my friend all in a goal. I am trying in the best way I know how to make sense out of everything”-

-reads to me that you did NOT lose your friend- you lost the friend he never was; you lost the man on a pedestal. You lost your hopes and dreams and love for.. a man who did not exist. Imagine this silly image: you meet a turtle which is a cold-blooded reptile, and you make believe and assume that it is a cute, warm puppy. You hug the “puppy”, feeling warm and happy. Fast forward, over time, you are noticing that the “puppy” is not behaving like a friendly, affectionate puppy, and you don’t feel warm when you hug the puppy, so you get hurt and angry at the “puppy”, while not quite seeing that it is not a puppy but a turtle. So, you keep feeling devastatingly surprised, hurt and angry by the behavior of the turtle simply because you keep thinking of it as a puppy.

See what I am saying? I think that you are still attached to the image of Christopher up on that pedestal and you keep getting angry that the real Christopher is not the one on that pedestal. See him for whom he is, and you will no longer keep getting surprised that he.. is who he is.

anita