TeaK,

I decided to start writing down my thoughts so that I can get a clear indication of what exactly is happening to me. I have been in this rut for the longest time. and the latest break has made me realise I need to fix what’s broken if I am to fulfil my life’s purpose.

I agree I have made a series of very very bad choices over the past decade. these are choices that have not been well thought out. but I think I have been running away from dealing with deeper issues that I am now trying to sort out.  I can honestly say I have jumped from one relationship to another to mask the pain of the previous one. I feel like my biggest problem goes back to my first relationship.

I have been reading over all the posts I made over the past month or so. and I have seen a trend. as sad as it sounds, I think I have been trying to fix my first relationship because all four men I have dated in my life have been a replica of him. my first ghost.

I think I have been looking for affection from these relationships because I don’t know how to give myself kindness. reading this out loud has made me very sad.

i am in much bigger trouble than I thought….