I didn’t realize I referred to him as “My guy”, I actually opened up my previous post and checked, that was true. I don’t know if it was a mistake but it’s not a usual thing for me to say about a new person. I’m very surprised.

“I consider myself as someone who cannot choose… I can choose… I’m learning to choose for me“

Dear Anita, I’ve missed a huge thing in my post yesterday. These quotes made me realize it. I’m actually trying to choose in time, that’s very correct. I felt more like myself when I was able to persuade my ex-boyfriend into the fact that we could try. Before we have started our relationship, he actually had a mental breakdown as well. And after that day, I kind of persuaded him that we could try it, try to be happy together. And then we have started the relationship. I remember how hard that day was and also I felt like I was the decisive person, I chose him. Even though persuading someone into something like this was a big mistake, I felt like I was slowly learning to choose. Two years passed, I’ve rejected some people, learned to choose more, but something bigger happened last month. We were seeing each other with this boy and acting like girlfriend and boyfriend. But I’ve got some measureless criticize from some people, which was annoying a lot. Someone who I just met and saw me like a sister actually made a comment about him saying that he was just interested in superficial things and he was just using me. He made that comment without knowing him at all, just out of 2 mins of introduction. Then someone from my circle also said to me to stay hesitant since this will be the things I’ve experienced in the past, it’ll take my time, it’ll take lots of effort but he’ll be gone. I could see how subjective these comments were, but I was affected. All in all, I tend to think of the worst-case scenario. I stopped telling details about my own business to these people, started to set boundaries. However, I got upset, since I also started to think that he might actually be using me, or he might be superficial even though he was acting very emotional.

I couldn’t hold these emotions in for long, after a few days, I started to reveal my insecurities to this boy. It wasn’t very obvious, very small revealings, a few times. He tried to handle it in a good way, and my insecurities didn’t stop. And maybe after 1-2 weeks, when he wanted to meet again, I said that this invitation looked a bit superficial suddenly. I said that I tend to be emotional and I was feeling emotionally involved. Then I asked if we can make this thing a relationship or not. It was one hell of a hard communication for me, I waited anxiously but was very excited, I have never experienced that kind of a burst before. He wanted to meet, we sat at a park, didn’t speak for like 20 mins, and then he said that he loved me. And then that was it, I had expressed what I wanted, I took the risk of losing it, and then it happened. Such power, I didn’t know how good it could make me feel before. So, since we were talking about choosing, there you go. A huge thing for me, I can say that I’m proud of myself since I behave in the effect of abandonment issues a lot, maybe with the excitement and ignorance, I was able to take this risk. Although I was lucky, I don’t know how I would be if I was rejected.

He told me that he was very scared since he also experienced some bad toxic relationships and he actually told everyone that he wouldn’t be in a relationship again. But then he thought about it and made up his mind, maybe hesitantly, I don’t know. Sometimes, I still get scared of the possibility of him thinking about this again and changing his mind.

As for the mental breakdown you’ve experienced, I felt lots of sympathy towards you reading it. It wasn’t possible for me to read it without crying. Although I’m surprised how sharp your memory is, it feels very detailed, the emotions especially. Maybe I will remember more as I explore.

I don’t mind at all, your words always show me more stuff that I’d like to explore. In fact, I’ll be mentioning a thought thanks to this?

Many people also develop an increased sensitivity to pain and discomfort, and others experience a positive touch in a negative way, such as when you hold hands with someone…

Not with the physical touch, but I have an increased sensitivity to an emotional touch such as compassion. And this actually makes it harder for me to open up to people, especially when it comes to face-to-face communication. Whenever I open up a feeling that I feel vulnerable with, and whenever someone looks or behaves compassionately towards me since they try to understand or they sympathize with me, I burst into tears. This thing existed since I was a child and because of it, I couldn’t open up to people, especially elders. I’m guessing I should think about this habit of mine more and some stuff would come out of it. Feels similar to the increased sensitivity you’ve mentioned.

As for the owning, flattering to be able to own others, I see that it can be highly related to narcissist tendencies. Because of my father and sister, I have been reading about these a lot and I’ll be reading more and more. Because I feel like I should understand more, and understanding will also help me get rid of those tendencies for myself as well. Even though I know I’m not narcissistic, at least I don’t feel like it, I realize some behaviors of mine that can be interpreted as tendencies towards there, so I’m also trying to understand those at the moment. But I’m guessing this is not a major issue at all, at least for now. Maybe you would be able to relate to this subject as well. The more I read and watch, the more I can relate and it feels better. I realize that I’m not the person they try to make me see since they’re always bringing up the worst in the people that they own, which is also me.

Thank you for your amazing communication, it feeds me a lot.