Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for reaching out. And replying on my last message. Truly appreciate it.

The last sentence really made me think about things, how I deserve to be happy. Without feeling so down of so much shame.

And also how instead of protecting myself I want to protect him.

This last few weeks have been eye opening for me. Things seem to have falllen in to place.

I connected to my childhood wound, as early as I can remember. How terrible scared I was as I felt so alone. Carrying the responsibillity to heal my whole family. I went back there and connected to so much compassion and realised in order to never feel so lonely and scared every again I built defense mechanisms around me. To keep me stuck in a loop of not feeling good enough. I realised that out of my attachment I have stayed in relationships that was damaging in many ways. My mantra was, if only he could accept then I would be lovable. I was always focusing on the other person and if they could accept me. I felt like I let go of the attachment, and beneath that was only love. Love for myself. I reconnected to who I really am. I am lovable and I deserve to be loved. It was a beautiful experience that I have never felt before. This will be my reference point from now on.

It was also helpful to connect to the reality of the situation instead of the potential of the situation. I have endured a lot of abuse. And I found it so hard to walk away as I didn’t know if it was my fault or not, if only I could have changed. I uncovered that my belief of love is that it is about being used or abused. I guess this relationship didn’t seem so bad as the other ones.

I really wanted to be with him. I admire him and still find him beautiful. But when I look back over the relationship it’s been very hot and cold, and often I felt like I had very little to do with it. I guess I still have a sense of that I meant nothing to him and that this is easy for him. That he is much happier without me, whilst I need to grieve and go through the pain. It’s not what I want in a relationship and although we share the same faith, we didn’t seem to be getting along. He used to say that it was unconscious neediness that made him to be mean to me. I realised that he was blaming my wounding from childhood to justify his behaviour. I worked very hard of becoming more securely attached.

I just talked to him this evening. He says that he is going to move out. I still talk to him, and most of the time he acts quite cold. But just now he came in and gave me a hug and said that he is probably doing a mistake of letting me go. Sometimes I wonder that he just wants to run away, he is like a scared boy. Instead of becoming more conscious and open he is closing off. But I can’t change that I never will.

I am starting to see through his behaviour also, instead of viewing him on a pedastal, I notice that sometimes he hides behind  a mask. And instead of listening to the words he says I am feeling the energy behind it.

I know I still sound confused but I have grown so much. Sure I am still sad, broken and down. But something in me has re- awaken. I no longer need to be with people that directly and indirectly tell me that I am not good enough. I no longer need to take other peoples bad behaviour personal or like it’s my fault. I have the freedom to leave at any time as I don’t need the other person. I will and I can meet my own needs and start to appreciate and accept myself. It’s interesting how I have projected my needs outside myself to people that could never give me what I was looking for. It was hard being my partner, never knowing if he was going to like me or not, complain about me, make fun of me, giving me the silent treatment, contempt and never really owning his actions. I just tried to understand and understand until I realised that he is not my dad, and I don’t depend on him for my survival so I can let go. Perhaps I don’t need to be special to him. I can appreciate myself.

There’s only one thing in the back of my mind. That now when we have broken up, he will suddenly change and become the being that I wanted to be with. And that I have lost him. That creates sadness in me. It just came up this evening after speaking to him. He spoke about all his future plans and show very little emotion about the breakup. I guess I still like the idea of him, I like his qualities, and sometimes I wonder why it was so hard for him to be nice to me. But then again, I am focusing on him and not me. I need to take care of myself now and give myself the love that my inner child needs.

Thank you again.

Love

Elisa