Dear Isabel,

I definitely need to sort things out with my husband and change the dynamics in our relationship. I just struggle when I am in this headspace where I feel guilty for what I have done. In my head what I have done is worse than the way he treats me and I guess society would also see it that way.

I just need to find my strength to get over this pit of the stomach feeling and awful anxiety.

When you are blaming yourself relentlessly and feeling awful anxiety about what you have done, it’s like you go back to your childhood and you are completely identified with the little Isabel, who felt horribly guilty and bad and a disappointment to her parents. You are taken over by that old guilt, and aren’t able to see a bigger picture, which is this:

That being said what I did was wrong but what I am feeling now is that I need to learn from this and find a way to forgive myself. I am going to gain nothing from telling my husband other than hurting him and my daughter.

I definitely need to sort things out with my husband and change the dynamics in our relationship.

I also think my inner critic has also come from my husband as he is also very critical. He is a very clean and tidy person and has high standards (which I don’t meet) he is the one who does the house work, he will always get to it before me and then if I do do it, my efforts are not good enough. He seems to be able to do things in a very neat way and Iam just not like that, so he is very critical of me. Unfortunately my daughter has also taken after me and she is not neat and tidy, and he is critical of her.

Your husband reminds you of your parents, who used to be very strict and judgmental. You love him and are trying to conform to his expectations, so that you can feel loved and accepted. It is the inner child in you, who needs your husband’s approval, same as you needed your parents’ approval.

I imagine you often feel guilty when you don’t meet his expectations regarding smaller things, such as tidiness and money spending. And now, you feel extremely guilty, in a bigger thing such as having had a semi-affair with a co-worker. The core of that guilt is the same: you believe you are a bad person, deserving judgment, and that what you did is unforgivable. That’s what the little Isabel believed about herself too, due to having been raised like that.

What you would need is to strengthen your adult self. Your adult self sees the bigger picture and is able to have compassion and understanding for the little Isabel, who is so completely overwhelmed by self-loathing and self-blame. You need to soothe your own inner child… Perhaps you aren’t able to do it on your own, and that’s where counseling can help – to have someone to serve as a good, compassionate parent, to help you through this experience.

And one more thing: perhaps the fact that you fell in love with an older man isn’t a coincidence. It might reflect your longing for a kind, loving parent vs.  a strict, judgmental one.