Dear Isabel,

you are most welcome.

As I type this, I am thinking to myself, what I did although wrong was not that bad if I reframe it. I had self control, I could have easily got carried away with my colleague and had sex with him, there were multiple times he asked me to stay at his or meet him in a hotel all of which I declined.

Absolutely – you had enough self-control and stopped it from going too far. You resisted his advancements, even though you liked him a lot and he was tempting you. You should congratulate yourself for having the resolve and the self-control to draw the line and say No.

I think the problem for me is that I have built this up some much and told a story to myself that I am such a bad person and I am going to lose everything because of this, in fact, although it was wrong I was looking for comfort at the time and I found it in someone who had respect for me and saw the good in me – does that make sense?

It makes a lot of sense. You said earlier that your husband is very controlling and that it was hard to spend so much time with him during lockdown. I can imagine you were craving for some positive attention – something different than his frequent criticism and control. Your colleague, who is also your boss (an authority figure whom you respect and admire) showed you respect and kindness, which is what you have been craving for so long.

No wonder this made you feel appreciated and valued, and you felt good about yourself. Perhaps you haven’t felt so good about yourself in a very long time! Because spending such a long time with your husband, in lockdown, most probably didn’t do you good (I guess after being in lock down it was nice to get attention from someone else… This on top of having to homeschool and be at home under one roof was getting too much.)

I think the problem for me is that I have built this up some much and told a story to myself that I am such a bad person and I am going to lose everything

Yes, you have been telling yourself that you are a bad person, when it is not true at all. I hope you see the reality – that you are not a bad person but that you have been brought up to believe that about yourself. You are a good person, who just wants to be loved and respected, who wants to be treated with kindness, not with criticism and judgment. This is a legitimate need, which we all have. The little Isabel needs love and kindness from you. It’s the same love and kindness that you, the adult Isabel, needed from your colleague…

Try to give yourself love and kindness. When you hear that harsh critical voice telling you that you are a bad person, tell it to STOP! And then embrace the little Isabel and tell her you love her very much and that she hasn’t done anything wrong.

If you aren’t able to be that voice of loving kindness to yourself, try to find a therapist who embodies the qualities of love and kindness – preferably a woman, who is a soft, motherly type, who will listen to you and accept you without judgment. You need a non-judgmental listening ear, which friends cannot always give you (and you wouldn’t want to confide in them necessarily).

I have booked a doctor’s appointment for my anxiety to see if there is something they can do to help, I had a bad night last night and work up having a panic attack and palpitations.

Good that you’ve booked an appointment! If the therapist is a compassionate type, who can provide you with kindness and lots of understanding, I think that would be really helpful.