Dear sossi:

“Thanks for asking… you probably wish you hadn’t“- it wouldn’t be fair of me to ask you an open question (How are you?), and then complain that you truthfully answered my question, would it. But I am bracing myself before reading the rest of your post (I will be reading it part by part, responding to one part before reading the next, it’s more interesting this way, more like a real-life conversation):

“I’m having a hard time. Feeling guilt is always part of the whole mess. Now I feel totally awful all the time“- I am not a fan of guilt. Guilt rained on my parade of life big time, for decades!

“My parents (mainly my dad) reached out to me recently a few times…“- so to rain on your parade of life…?

“I deleted the conversation since…. Now I can’t point it out to them!! so I have no proof of how she wrote to me. But actually…that doesn’t matter because my father and sister won’t support me or stand up for me…so yeah“- before I read the “that doesn’t matter” part, I thought it to myself: it wouldn’t matter, your mother wins no matter what the facts and evidence points to.

“They fully expected me to come for Christmas“- you don’t have to!

“My dad has been ‘in between’… pretending that nothing happened“- you need someone (1) to be on your side, not in between, and (2) to speak and acknowledge the truth.

“I can’t get through to him and he refuses to stand up for me“- this perfectly fits with what I just wrote above, before reading this sentence.

“He said they ‘wished me well’ and loved me and that they were there for me if I needed but it was devoid of any emotion… this has been going on and on for so long. No one cares in fact. Just be good and come for dinner“- better not have Christmas with people who do not care for you!!!

“Is it really ok for someone to say to me in capital letters, that I’m a horrible person but that they still love me?“- no, it is not okay. The message of love does nothing to take away from the sting of the you-are-a-horrible-person message.  The intent behind the but-we-still-love-you addition to present themselves as the victims of your alleged horribleness, and make you feel badly, an intent that has nothing to do with love!

“She let out her frustration again: throwing everything at me- I’m mean to my sister, not supportive of my mom or my father…But that she loved me and hoped to see me at Christmas!!! the text is peppered with CAPITAL letters to emphasize her anger. But more stinging is the total disregard to what I have said….’don’t send me messages like that‘”- you can have such a nice Christmas all by yourself, with no one to accuse you, blame you and sting you: a low-key, no capital letters Christmas! You can post on your thread, and we can chat on Christmas Day!

“I’m feeling very weak and sick, it’s hard to wake up and feel so alone… one minute I think I can manage this…. other times I’m feeling desperately alone… whether I stand up for myself or not…its actually the same!“- it’s the same because like I wrote to you earlier in this message, your mother always win, and you standing up to her is useless. I think that the only way for you to be standing, is not to try yet again to stand up to her, but to have no contact with your mother and with those wh0 side with her and against you. Maybe without any contact with them all, you will not be feeling desperately alone!?

“I hate writing this, I’ve been literally feeling physically sickened by my life“- remove the contact= future contamination, and you will have the opportunity to heal!

“I have a dog… the worst match for my own anxiety and stress because she is reactive… I thought hopefully that it could lead to meeting more people but on the contrary…people look warily at me and most of the time their dog either attacks or barks at mine!… My dog´s barking has become a real issue… but I can’t keep her calm. I just feel like giving up“-way better that you give up on having any future contact with your mother and her supporters than that you give up on life, for crying out loud!

Regarding your dog: our neighbors’ dog is restless, but for a while he was much more restless, panting and barking and couldn’t stay in place. The neighbors took him to the vet and discovered that he has a thyroid imbalance of some sort, got a medication for him, pills, and he is significantly more settled since.

anita