Dear aphroitte1,

I’ve became so distant because finally after so many years I realized my worth, I gained small self respect and confidence and I am braver that before. And I know that bothers him. Because I am saying no to his bad behaviour and that will be the deal breaker for him. I am just happy that I am self conscious now about a lot of things and I am not blind and thinking oh, he loves me. No, he doesn’t. Even if he did in some point, his love hurt me. It was not that love that will make me grow, be happy and healthy. And I want that for me. My priority is being myself and happy and finally with peace.

I am so happy that you’ve realized that he doesn’t truly love you, and that you won’t be allowing to be treated with such disrespect any more!

I’ve always fantazised about having kids with him etc. but growing kids with someone so close-minded and patriachial who doesn’t respect me and love me the way I should be loved would be equal to murdering our kids. I don’t want my kids to see unappreciated bad love in front of them and to think that is okay. I want to be the cycle breaker in my own parents patterns and in my love relationships.

This is also a huge realization! You want to break the cycle of generational trauma, you don’t want your children to witness an unhappy marriage, where the father doesn’t respect the mother and treats her poorly. I applaud you for being determined to change the course of your life for the better, to stand up for yourself, to not tolerate lesser treatment, and by doing that, to also show a good example to your future children.

Your boyfriend was indeed not just treating you poorly, but it was almost emotional torture, e.g. the situation you described on the New Year’s Eve 2 years ago:

it was day before new years eve, first of all he didn’t call me to say that he had arrive home safely, secondly he was delaying the answer about celebrating and he just said okay we are going to make something up tomorrow. He knows that I am not that type of person who would make plans 5 to 12 because it annoys me and it was also frustrating because my parents were asking me where we will be celebrating and I couldn’t give them an answer. So fast forward 31 December came and he slept till 4 p.m. i was waiting for him to get up. So when he texted me that he is awake I immediately asked him okay what are we doing tonight? He became angry saying I am so annoying without patience, crazy and always wanting to fight and ruin everything.

You were rightfully frustrated about 1) his not letting you know that he arrived safely, 2) his refusal to make any plans, even though it was already last minute, 3) getting angry at you for urging him to make a decision already, since it was just a few hours before the New Year’s Eve celebrations were to begin.

That’s just one example of how he blamed you for something he has brought about. He told you you were crazy and impatient, although everybody in your shoes would be impatient! You said that something similar happened whenever you planned to go out with him:

he would always like for every going out or event delay the answer or giving me unexplained answers or ignoring me so I can become angry and he would shut me down with we are not going out now because you are so impatient. That made me sick to my stomach and I still remember the feeling how he made me feel crazy for feeling upset.

He would delay the answer, give you vague answers, or ignore you altogether. When you started getting impatient and frustrated, he told you he won’t go anywhere, out of spite. And that it’s all your fault.

That’s clear emotional abuse. And also, victim blaming. He as the perpetrator blamed the victim. He used to tell you you destroyed him mentally, you ruined his life, and “go destroy someone else’s life”.

Also, he had no respect and appreciation for you, and he mocked you in front of your friends. When you complained about it, he called you dramatic and crazy, and called you other derogatory names:

In those rare times we would go out, he would be mocking me in the conversations or if we were with friends instead of being by my side I would always feel like he is making fun out of me. And If I wanted to comfort him he would say that I am always dramatic, we would fight for hours and hours and none of our fights are solved actually. I feel like i cant Talk with him about anything. He doesn’t understand me or he doesnt care. He just made me insecure and crazy. And he had that freedom to call me whatever he wanted and to be very cruel towards me with words that he never should’ve been with me etc.

You wanted love and respect for him, you even got into fights because of it, but to no avail. It just made things worse, and in the end, he made you feel it’s all your fault and that there was something wrong with you. You were sinking deeper and deeper into insecurity…

I am so glad, aphroitte1, that you’ve decided to turn a new page in your life. That you have realized your value, and that it is not you who is the problem in your relationship.

What I believe would be also useful is to allow yourself to grieve:

I was so unappriciated and I am so sorry for myself he made me think that all these years he made me think everything it’s my fault. It never was. Maybe he is not capable of love or he is totally incompatible with me.

I get shivers by thinking of this. It was disgusting.

Awful. Just awful reminding me myself of these things. It’s catastrophic and I can’t understand why he was and still doing this to me if his intention was never to truly be with me.

This relationship was very harmful to your mental and emotional health, to your sense of worth and self-esteem. You’ve been traumatized by it. I think it would help you if you would acknowledge that you’ve been through a lot of mental and emotional abuse, a lot of pain, and to have compassion for that aphroitte, who at the time didn’t have the strength to resist and stand up for herself. Just be with her, see her, embrace her, soothe her… I think it would help you heal more quickly…