Dear Anita & TeaK,

When I read both of yours reply, I cried so hard. It felt like after a long time, someone finally understood me. Thank you for giving me a different perspective on this issue.

Dear Anita,

in a gentle fatherly voice and with a kind look in his eyes, he should have told you something like this: I understand, my precious daughter.

I always thought that if my parents or someone else spoke to me in a gentle voice it would make me weaker or would make me take it for granted to depends on someone. And that my father was right and that he should be strict with me to make me stronger and more independent in life. This also made me never seek help from others; I always tried my best to do everything on my own.

I think that’s why I always choose to run and hide myself when someone criticizes me, and if someone criticizes me, it triggers a panic attack. Every time I meet anyone or a stranger, I have to be constantly on guard in case others will criticize me.

 

because your father presented to you the belief that small things don’t matter and the “bigger things in life” (his words) are all that matter, you believe it yourself, avoiding the small things and wanting the “bigger goals overnight” (your words).

To be honest, I’m not sure about this. All I know is that I always look down on the little things and think they are too boring. It never shows what I can do, but I’m always make mistakes in small things. While looking down on the small things, afraid to do the big things. How should I break this?

Dear TeaK,

My mother brought me up similarly to how her mother brought her up… with lots of criticism and very little empathy. Your father and grandfather sound the same…

I’m sorry to hear you had the same experience and I hope you’ve gone out from it. 🙂

However, it seems your father has only been supportive if you are winning, if you are strong and fearless, if you are not afraid. But he hasn’t been supportive if you are losing, if you feel weak and afraid, if you feel confused and are lacking direction.

Yes! Oh my god, you are right! Whenever I have direction in my life, He supports me. But whenever I lost my way, He didn’t care at all, and He never sat down to talk to me about everything. I guess he just doesn’t know how to show care and love in the right way. I always feel unworthy of love when I’m weak, not successful in life. I’m too afraid to meet my friends, my former colleagues, because I thought I’m too bad in everything.

It would be like an inner cheer-leader, or an inner compassionate parent, who has a lot of empathy and understanding for you, specially when you feel weak and useless. Have you perhaps gotten in touch with that voice too?

Yes, I did get in touch with the gentle voice, after I learn to stop thinking negative thoughts. There’s a small small voice telling me I’m good enough, is okay to fear or fail. I’m glad that it got some improvement.