Thank you for your reply and i hope you enjoyed your walk! 🙂

the part that sticks out to me is “treatment focusing on connecting with self and others” I look back fondly on my experiences being in group therapy for about 6 months when i was 24. That time period was the most transformative in my life by far. During that time i was more willing to take healthy risks. I had significantly reduced my cannabis use, was in great physical shape, decided to go graduate school, was racing my bicycle, reading & meditating everyday, started my own group, and began seeing myself as a person with value. Ever since then i feel like I’ve been chasing that high and have fallen short of having a stable sense of self.

I will be attending a mens group this saturday with my old therapist, im hoping this can be an opportunity for a new start. I’m also thinking about trying to start a support group for therapist, as i’m realizing its hard to find help as a helper without being judged.

A lack of close intimate relationships is probably the thing that hurts the most in my life, It makes me cry just typing that out because out of all the work i do on myself close relationships have been the hardest to manifest. It makes me feel worthless. Nothing new there.

Trying to fix this problem is killing me. I’ll spend an entire day alone trying to figure out “what can i do to find people to connect with?” and not get any closer to a real answer other than dating apps, which is futile, a partner is not going to fill the need for a community. When i have my weekly emotional breakdown, i’ll scroll through my phone looking for someone to talk to and don’t feel comfortable calling anyone, so i don’t. I suffer alone, every time. It has to stop because it’s starting to get scary for me in those moments as i spiral into hopeless self destruction