Dear Peace:

You shared over time that your family is Muslim and Indian. Your sister whom we are discussing is the eldest sister in your family.

A Muslim website, Azislam. com/ rights of older siblings in islam, reads (the italics is my addition):

“In Islam and also other culture in the world, especially in Asian countries, older siblings hold more responsibility toward their younger siblings. They should love and care for their younger siblings, put aside their selfishness and put the younger first. In return, the younger siblings should respect the older”-

Did you notice, Peace, that your eldest sister, according to Islam in Asian countries, such as India, is supposed to love and care for you, put aside her selfishness and put you first!?

And did you notice, that in return for her love and care and putting aside her selfishness, you should respect her? (But if she is selfish, if she puts herself first, and she doesn’t really love and care for you…. what is there to return)?

More from the website: “Older siblings can make us feel safe because they protect us” – your eldest sister sent you, a pretty, young woman of about 21, to live by herself, all alone, in a faraway country, while (1) You did not have the ability to protect yourself from men’s aggressive sexual advances, and (2) There was no relative or an older person, approved by your sister, or otherwise, to protect from men’s sexual advances.

In a previous thread under a different account, your screen name there was Princess123, you shared that in April 2018, at 21 or 22, you were living in Germany all alone, without protection (“I live here without my family or anyone else”). You were a student, working part-time. You lived close to, or in the midst of the large Muslim community in Germany, many of which were refuges.

Living on your own, a young woman in the midst of men, you had many relationships in quick succession (“I was the one who was having a lot of relationship one after one“, quote from this thread, March 15, 2021). Back in 2018, you had a 2.5-month-old relationship with a man who at first treated you “like a princess”, but then acted jealous and controlling. By August 2018, you had a 3-months old new relationship with a Muslim refuge 10 years older than you, a man who was “really kind and loves me so much”. You referred to the relationship as a “very healthy relationship”, but it didn’t not proceed to be healthy as he verbally and sexually abused you: “(he) used to do some sexually cruel things… I used to scream because of … the pain… I used to tell him stop doing it, but he used to say: no, it doesn’t hurt”.

He called you a prostitute because you accepted money and material gifts from him, and he wanted it all back, “demanding 2400 euro, including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me… and the ticket he bought for me… 1600 euro… he started to call me a prostitute and said that I’ll bring customers for sex“. That relationship ended this way: “I ended up financially broke, depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time“.

Back in 2018, you shared about a male friend of your boyfriend: “He is always there when I need him, when I need help, money“. At one point, he pressured you to have sex with him, and you were confused: “I’m just confused, this person said he really likes me and loves me, and planning to marry me, but I feel like all he wants from me is sex??… Or am I only judging him??”

Why am I bringing back all these painful experiences? Because they clearly indicate that (1) Your eldest sister did NOT protect you. You could have died from either a sexually transmitted disease or from sexual/ physical violence in the midst of a refuge community with no one to protect you!!!

(2) Your eldest sister spent some money on you, but not enough and not for long; working part time you didn’t make enough money, and you accepted money and material goods from men to whom you were not married, and with whom you had sex, and so, in practice you exchanged sex for money. Your sister did not protect you from this degradation and danger!

(3) You were not mentally able to evaluate men and situations correctly:  “I feel like all he wants from me is sex??… Or am I only judging him??“, and therefore, you were not able to respond to men and situations in ways that will protect yourself. Your eldest sister sent an unprepared young woman to life on her own.

Fast forward to the present, January 2022, you say that you are finally in a relationship with and married to a good man who respects you. Please do not give up on a good man because your selfish, unloving eldest sister (who sent you to a new country unprotected), is throwing temper tantrums.

Your husband is there to protect you, isn’t he? Your sister did not. She has no right to interfere with your life!

Now that I refreshed my memory, I don’t know if you owe your eldest sister, or any other family member any money. What I am certain of is that other than money, you owe them nothing.

Having refreshed my memory, I really can’t stand the idea that you will continue to give your eldest sister any importance. What she says to you has no value because she did not do her eldest sisterly duty of protecting you and to caring for you. Ending all contact with her is best.

Just now, I came across your two most recent posts in which you shared about your eldest sister blaming and stressing your husband (who is kind enough to suggest paying their money back): “she blamed my husband…  calling him ‘ill-mannered’… she again texted my husband, saying how ill-mannered he is… and she started to guilt-trip him… My husband didn’t take it very well, he was very stressed” – it is clear to me, Peace, that your duty as a wife of a good man, is to protect your husband from your eldest sister (and from any other family member who disrespects and mistreats your husband and yourself) by blocking them from having access to you and to your husband.

No access= No abuse.

Is what I wrote in this post all correct and true, or am I missing something that would invalidate my conclusion stated right above?

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by .