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bad timing or patterns?

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Viewing 8 posts - 136 through 143 (of 143 total)
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  • #391298
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    I would just like to add something: it’s good that you wrote a text to your sister, telling her how much her words hurt you:

    she kept writing but there was nt single positive word from her…i couldnt stop my tears i couldnt sleep all night bcz these words  were so hurtful .i kept weeping all night …and than in the morning i wrote  her huge text that how ur words made me feel ,how much i was hurted to know ,how she thinks ,feel and represent me infront of anyone …

    Has she responded to that?

    Also, your husband is right when he told her that she should be proud of you for making it this far all alone in a foreign country, instead of scolding you and telling you that you never achieved anything in Germany. You achieved a lot: you are studying and working in parallel, you have 1-1.5 years till your diploma, and even if it’s not a medical doctor diploma or a physiotherapy degree, it’s something you like and hopefully will give you a good and satisfactory career (what are you studying, if I may ask?). So you did well, Peace, you can be proud of yourself!

     

    #391313
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear teak,

    ”Has she responded to that?”

    ya she responded.she said she dint say anything wrong .and she keep asking “ what wrong did I say??” several times..

     

    As u asked what I n studying.so I m studying (Medizinische Informatik) Medical IT it’s also known as Health care informatic.
    it’s like 80 pro cent Informatics and 20 % medical .and I m more interested in IT side like doing programming stuff..

     

    #391314
    Peace
    Participant

    I ll reply if ur previews post tomorrow in the morning here

    good night

    #391320
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    it’s like 80 pro cent Informatics and 20 % medical .and I m more interested in IT side like doing programming stuff..

    Good! If you are more interested in programming and the IT side, and not so much in the medical part, it means it’s a better career choice for you than being a medical doctor (or a physiotherapist). You made a good choice, following your own preferences!

    ya she responded.she said she dint say anything wrong .and she keep asking “ what wrong did I say??” several times..

    It’s a pity she doesn’t see how hurtful her words are… Also, when your husband told her she should be proud of you, she asked why should she be proud of you since you didn’t become that what she expected of you (medical doctor or physiotherapist). It tells me she has very little empathy and understanding for you, truly believing that you shouldn’t have a say in what you do with your life…

     

    #391322
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak,

     

    “It’s a pity she doesn’t see how hurtful her words are”

    No, she was very confident that whatever she said was not wrong .inspite of feeling bad about what she said to my husband about me or how miserable I was feeling after reading her those messages .she blamed my husband that, he might have done a manipulated commentary in front of me and started calling him “ill-manner “to share the chat with me.

    according to her, it was wrong of my husband to show their chats with me, not what she wrote in it…

    and she again texted my husband, saying how ill-mannered he is to break privacy. and its “women habits ” and she started to guilt-trip him by saying, she used to complain about such things in front of my other brother in law but they never shared this with their husbands, but you (my husband) did…and how my husband damaged his reputation in front of her in just 24 hours.

    my husband didn’t take it very well, he was very stressed. and he regretted showing me her texts.

    I feel like she is facing some mental health issues. as she is not sorry for anything but starts to justify her actions…I don’t know

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #391324
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Teak,

    If after you pay your financial debt to your sister, she still tells people that “she has sacrificed a lot for me to support me and to send me abroad“- then show the people the evidence that you indeed paid her back all that you owe her.

    even if I pay her debt but still i will be a villain in her eyes because I dint care for my family and dint feed their racist opinions which they are proud of for years and they have their pride in it that they are not of mixed race and its an insult to them .i have another sis who supported me but it feels like they don’t want me to marry to him bcz my sis told them “ppl laugh at them that I went to study and I got married to a lower class”..and she suggested me to first complete your study and get a job than talk to my elder sis about marriage …i got a bit convinced,I thought it seems fair I will complete my study and than i won’t accept any emotionally blackmailing from them..

     

    but my husband said ,this is not the case ,they will always make this a problem and these are only excuses because they don’t like him …he even ready to pay their debts …but i don’t want him to do this ..i ll do it as i get my professional job..but it meant a lot to me to know he is so supportive 🙂

     

    yesterday i got a voice msg frm my sis that she asked her teacher ( who tells about people future ) , I have no idea who this person is, told her that

    “try to avoid this or you guys(my family)  situation be like beggars at the end, this guy is not in her (my)destiny, God doesn’t want it .if they(me+my husband) force it then this marriage will not work out, he added starting 2 years will be great but after that everything will be messed up and their marriage will break in 6 years ”

    i don’t understand it ….why will the situation of my family be like beggar by marrying my husband? i m already in his destiny and we are married btw …ya ..but my family doesnt know…

     

     

     

     

    #391327
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    You shared over time that your family is Muslim and Indian. Your sister whom we are discussing is the eldest sister in your family.

    A Muslim website, Azislam. com/ rights of older siblings in islam, reads (the italics is my addition):

    “In Islam and also other culture in the world, especially in Asian countries, older siblings hold more responsibility toward their younger siblings. They should love and care for their younger siblings, put aside their selfishness and put the younger first. In return, the younger siblings should respect the older”-

    Did you notice, Peace, that your eldest sister, according to Islam in Asian countries, such as India, is supposed to love and care for you, put aside her selfishness and put you first!?

    And did you notice, that in return for her love and care and putting aside her selfishness, you should respect her? (But if she is selfish, if she puts herself first, and she doesn’t really love and care for you…. what is there to return)?

    More from the website: “Older siblings can make us feel safe because they protect us” – your eldest sister sent you, a pretty, young woman of about 21, to live by herself, all alone, in a faraway country, while (1) You did not have the ability to protect yourself from men’s aggressive sexual advances, and (2) There was no relative or an older person, approved by your sister, or otherwise, to protect from men’s sexual advances.

    In a previous thread under a different account, your screen name there was Princess123, you shared that in April 2018, at 21 or 22, you were living in Germany all alone, without protection (“I live here without my family or anyone else”). You were a student, working part-time. You lived close to, or in the midst of the large Muslim community in Germany, many of which were refuges.

    Living on your own, a young woman in the midst of men, you had many relationships in quick succession (“I was the one who was having a lot of relationship one after one“, quote from this thread, March 15, 2021). Back in 2018, you had a 2.5-month-old relationship with a man who at first treated you “like a princess”, but then acted jealous and controlling. By August 2018, you had a 3-months old new relationship with a Muslim refuge 10 years older than you, a man who was “really kind and loves me so much”. You referred to the relationship as a “very healthy relationship”, but it didn’t not proceed to be healthy as he verbally and sexually abused you: “(he) used to do some sexually cruel things… I used to scream because of … the pain… I used to tell him stop doing it, but he used to say: no, it doesn’t hurt”.

    He called you a prostitute because you accepted money and material gifts from him, and he wanted it all back, “demanding 2400 euro, including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me… and the ticket he bought for me… 1600 euro… he started to call me a prostitute and said that I’ll bring customers for sex“. That relationship ended this way: “I ended up financially broke, depressed, failed in exams which led to visa problem all in one time“.

    Back in 2018, you shared about a male friend of your boyfriend: “He is always there when I need him, when I need help, money“. At one point, he pressured you to have sex with him, and you were confused: “I’m just confused, this person said he really likes me and loves me, and planning to marry me, but I feel like all he wants from me is sex??… Or am I only judging him??

    Why am I bringing back all these painful experiences? Because they clearly indicate that (1) Your eldest sister did NOT protect you. You could have died from either a sexually transmitted disease or from sexual/ physical violence in the midst of a refuge community with no one to protect you!!!

    (2) Your eldest sister spent some money on you, but not enough and not for long; working part time you didn’t make enough money, and you accepted money and material goods from men to whom you were not married, and with whom you had sex, and so, in practice you exchanged sex for money. Your sister did not protect you from this degradation and danger!

    (3) You were not mentally able to evaluate men and situations correctly:  “I feel like all he wants from me is sex??… Or am I only judging him??“, and therefore, you were not able to respond to men and situations in ways that will protect yourself. Your eldest sister sent an unprepared young woman to life on her own.

    Fast forward to the present, January 2022, you say that you are finally in a relationship with and married to a good man who respects you. Please do not give up on a good man because your selfish, unloving eldest sister (who sent you to a new country unprotected), is throwing temper tantrums.

    Your husband is there to protect you, isn’t he? Your sister did not. She has no right to interfere with your life!

    Now that I refreshed my memory, I don’t know if you owe your eldest sister, or any other family member any money. What I am certain of is that other than money, you owe them nothing.

    Having refreshed my memory, I really can’t stand the idea that you will continue to give your eldest sister any importance. What she says to you has no value because she did not do her eldest sisterly duty of protecting you and to caring for you. Ending all contact with her is best.

    Just now, I came across your two most recent posts in which you shared about your eldest sister blaming and stressing your husband (who is kind enough to suggest paying their money back): “she blamed my husband…  calling him ‘ill-mannered’… she again texted my husband, saying how ill-mannered he is… and she started to guilt-trip him… My husband didn’t take it very well, he was very stressed” – it is clear to me, Peace, that your duty as a wife of a good man, is to protect your husband from your eldest sister (and from any other family member who disrespects and mistreats your husband and yourself) by blocking them from having access to you and to your husband.

    No access= No abuse.

    Is what I wrote in this post all correct and true, or am I missing something that would invalidate my conclusion stated right above?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by anita.
    #391337
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    your eldest sister is really on the offensive, isn’t she? She even engaged a fortune teller to confirm her stance and convince you not to marry your husband. Funny, because if this fortune teller were any good, he would have “seen” that you are already married, wouldn’t he? Or he doesn’t even exist, and it’s just another desperate attempt of your sister to prevent your marriage… whatever it is, don’t trust of word of it – it’s a scam!

    even if I pay her debt but still i will be a villain in her eyes because I dint care for my family and dint feed their racist opinions which they are proud of for years and they have their pride in it that they are not of mixed race and its an insult to them

    You’re seeing it right! Your sister won’t change her mind about your husband… she is convinced in the “righteousness” of her racist beliefs. She also fears public disgrace if it turns out that such an outspoken “pure caste” proponent allowed her younger sister to marry into a lower caste. She is unfortunately driven by these narrow-minded chauvinist beliefs, so much so that she is willing to invent some fake prophecy, just to stop you…

    and she suggested me to first complete your study and get a job than talk to my elder sis about marriage …

    It seems your other sister (and you too) believe that you need your eldest sister’s permission to get married. Is that right?

    i got a bit convinced,I thought it seems fair I will complete my study and than i won’t accept any emotionally blackmailing from them..

    Your eldest sister will never agree to this marriage. Seeing that she uses every means to stop you, and that she has no empathy and understanding for you, but only cares about herself and “what will the people say” – I don’t think it’s realistic to expect that she would soften over time. I think she would keep emotionally blackmailing you and trying all sorts of things to stop you, even after you graduate.

    but my husband said ,this is not the case ,they will always make this a problem and these are only excuses because they don’t like him …

    Unfortunately, this seems to be true…

    She can only emotionally blackmail you if you have a weak spot and believe her accusations (that you are a bad person, that you’ve achieved nothing, that you are selfish, immature, a child etc). Also, she can blackmail you if you believe that you need her permission and blessing to get married.

    But if you realize that you are an adult, that you know what’s best for you – and that you are a good person too – it will be easier for you to withstand the emotional blackmailing and accusations.

    Also, if you stop hoping for your sister’s approval, you will be much freer to live your life as you please, and as you know is right for you.

    What do you think?

     

     

Viewing 8 posts - 136 through 143 (of 143 total)

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