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  • #391173
    Peace
    Participant

    dear teak,

    no he doesnt know i m married.nor i told my family about our marriage …

    i have been asking them to talk to his mom because she wants to bring official proposal for us ..but they are just not ready to talk …they(my family) keep telling me that they are investigatiing from last 2 months ..but they were not ready to talk to his mom nor him …

     

    #391187
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    Let me recap your history with your friend, to try to understand your situation better:

    You were best friends, he was interested in you 2 years ago. He would flirt, talk and tease you, but “never asked for something official or even marriage”, so you assumed he is not interested in you romantically. However, when you got involved with someone else, he then “told me how much he likes me and wants to marry and he is waiting for me and that I should let him know when it doesn’t work out“.

    When that relationship didn’t work out, you let your friend know and he started flirting with you again, but again, nothing serious:

    Unfortunately The relationship dint work out. Than again this flirting went on ,teasing,talking all but nothing serious..

    Then you got involved in another relationship, because you were “tired of waiting for something serious from that ”best friend”:

    untill after months I got confused and someone asked me out in Germany..he was looking decent and of same culture.. i Started seeing him ,because I was tired of  waiting for something serious from that“ best friend“ ..

    Now I think I understand better what happened here: you liked your best friend, had feelings for him, and were hoping for quite a while that he would finally propose. But he never did, although at some point (when you were in another relationship) he told you he likes you a lot and wants to marry you and will be waiting for you. However, he never followed through on that, because when you were single again, he never proceeded to ask you to marry him.

    And then, in the summer of 2021, you met your now husband. Your friend reacted in his usual manner: once you were in another relationship, he expressed that he is serious about you:

    As I was a bit busy with my full time job and my new guy .I was not interested in flirting with my friend… so again he told me how serious he is …

    Well, this friend of yours seems to be very problematic: he was only “serious” about you when you were in another relationship. But when you were available again, he never did anything to show that his intentions are serious. He never made a serious move and offered you marriage. Which means he was never serious about you, but was fooling with you. Playing a game. If he had serious intentions – and had he truly loved you – he would have made his move.

    But since you had a crush on him and would have said yes if he had proposed – I wonder if you have doubts now? That maybe you should have waited with getting married, and waited for this guy to come to his senses? When you asked the question:

    why is it so that sometimes we know that we took the right decision but suddenly we start to doubt ourselves and our Decisions ??

    Was it the decision about dismissing this guy’s false promises once and for all, and choosing to settle with your now husband? Are you now doubting this decision?

    For what it’s worth, I believe you made a good decision by choosing your husband, and stopped hoping that your friend would finally propose. If he is serious about you now, I think it’s only because he is under pressure to get married (his mother wants to make an official proposal to your family). But otherwise, he sounds like an immature and confused person, who only shows interest in you when you aren’t available. I think it’s a very good decision that you didn’t wait for him, because I don’t think your marriage would have been a happy one!

     

    #391204
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak,

    he wanted to send proposal  when i was unavailiable .when i was already tired of waiting for him and any commitment from his side and at that time i was dating someone else .. i asked him to wait sometime before i make a decision so that i sort out things (without mentioning about my dating).

    he was interested untill i was unavalible and than same pattern again.

    thats true i felt too that he was  confused ..

     

     

    #391210
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    he was interested untill i was unavalible and than same pattern again.
    thats true i felt too that he was confused ..

    Yes, it sounds like an avoidant pattern because he wanted you while you were unavailable, and then when you were free, he never expressed love to you or asked you to get married. In fact, you said that when you broke up with your then-boyfriend and approached him, he started behaving very cold and didn’t even want to talk to you:

    he was like a best friend to me and purposed me and I asked for some time to think about it(as I was already messed up in another relationship which he dint know about) ..as I sorted things out and approached he acted like stranger ,totally ignoring me even wasn’t talking to me like a friend..I-was so complete it shock and felt betrayal.

    It’s like he got scared of a possibility of a relationship with you, and he became quite unfriendly, as a defense mechanism. Later, when you got into another relationship, he started getting closer again. It seems like he is afraid of an intimate relationship, either with you, or in general, with any woman.

    How do you feel about him now? Do you have some regrets about him?

     

    #391212
    Peace
    Participant

    dear teak,

    i dont really know how i really feel about him …i think about him sometimes and how he changed suddenly and i also think what if i made the right decision ,not to give him any chance when he came after 3 months of rejecting me ..

    ..because when i approched him and asked him if he interested now? he said he wants to focus on his study and doesnt want to be involve in anything …

    i accepted and moved on …

     

    i dont regret because i m with a wonderful person ,he cares for me ,loves me so much that i dont think anyone else could ever treat me like my husband does..he is very supportive ,listens to me when i say something…

     

    i dont think so ,if my best friend would ever treated me like my husband does…

     

    #391223
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    ..because when i approched him and asked him if he interested now? he said he wants to focus on his study and doesnt want to be involve in anything …

    Well, there is your answer about how serious he is/was about you: you asked him openly if he is still interested, he said no (giving his studies as an excuse), although in the past, he told you he wants to marry you and to let him know when you’ll be single again. He played this game of hot and cold more than once: he was cold when you were interested and available, he was hot when you were unavailable. This all shows he didn’t really want to be with you, due to intimacy issues, or attachment issues, or whatever.

    i also think what if i made the right decision ,not to give him any chance when he came after 3 months of rejecting me ..

    I think you made the right decision, because he has been playing this game of hot-and-cold with you for quite a while, and it’s a very bad sign. As I said, I think that even now, he is still not ready for a serious relationship, but is probably pressured to get married by his family.

    i think about him sometimes and how he changed suddenly

    His erratic behavior isn’t your fault, so don’t blame yourself. When he had a chance to be with you, he became very unfriendly and started ignoring you. As I said in my previous post, it could have been a defense mechanism because he was scared of getting into a relationship. He might have also been angry at you for rejecting him at first (because you were in another relationship), but if he truly loved you, he would have understood. He actually told you once he would wait for you, so his sudden change in attitude shows how immature he is. He also seems emotionally wounded too. In any case, don’t blame yourself for his strange behavior… it’s not because of you, but because of his issues.

    i dont regret because i m with a wonderful person ,he cares for me ,loves me so much that i dont think anyone else could ever treat me like my husband does..he is very supportive ,listens to me when i say something…

    That’s wonderful, Peace, I am happy for you. Your husband does seem like a very mature person, who loves you and cares about you a lot. It sounds like you have hit the jackpot with him! 🙂

    i dont think so ,if my best friend would ever treated me like my husband does…

    Yes, because your husband seems emotionally healthy, unlike your friend, who has some unresolved issues, which would make your relationship (if it ever came to it) much much harder.

     

    #391247
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Teak and Anita,

     

    i am feeling anxious and restless ..i want to just share here .i have no idea if i m making the right decision.

    i talked to my family and told them i want to marry  bcz i found the one ,as they were keep delaying in the name of investigation… this news went to my eldest sis and she contacted me and accusing me of blackmailing ,disturbing and torturing my family member .its about 2 days before .and she was so angry at me that she was saying i m a child ,emotional,i dont know about people etc..i dint take things so seriously ..she said i dont care for my family (all emotional stuff etc and that how much they sacrificed for me and that i dont care about them)

    after some minutes she texted my husband on facebook (btw they dint know each other and nor they were friends in FB) she asked him to for sake of god ,he shouldnt be forcing me for marriage bcz i m torturing and blackmailing them and she put me down on those messages  by saying i m very inconsistant (may be because i refused to a guy which they wanted me too) that how much she regrets to send me abroad for studies and sacrificing alot  and how immature childish i m..and that she is so fed up of my childish behaviour and all ,how i made them emotional that i will study medicine  and i couldnt become one atleast i could do physiotherapy but dint do that too ..how she thinks i never achieved anything here .i got all luxury from her ..my husband texted back that” she should be proud that i made it alone till here” ..she said why should she be proud of me as all i didnt even become physiotherapist if not doctor etc

    she kept writing but there was nt single positive word from her…i couldnt stop my tears i couldnt sleep all night bcz these words  were so hurtful .i kept weeping all night …and than in the morning i wrote  her huge text that how ur words made me feel ,how much i was hurted to know ,how she thinks ,feel and represent me infront of anyone …

    btw its very easy to become a physiotherapist  here .that was no big deal but i dint want to be …

     

    now i talk to my sis she said i should complete my degree than i should talk to her because she is afraid of her husband critism ..his husband is very toxic person and unfortunetly my sis is becoming one too ..and that she is afraid that ppl ll laugh at her that she sent her sis for studies and she got married there .

    PS:

    i dint want to talk to my family and invite this drama but my husband’s mom wanted to talk to my family and so my husband wants to fullfill his mom wish of celebrating our marriage …

    and i talked to family and now so much disturbed..

    i am thinking to talk to my husband to wait 1_1.5 years till i complete my studies and talk to them again …

    because they really spent money on me …i dont know …i should pay them back and do wait..

    i feel like i dragged my husband into this all mess..and i feel sorry for him…

     

    looking some understanding .

    i have talked ,fought but no one is supporting me at home  and i m feeling drained out of sudden …

     

     

     

     

     

    #391252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    You shared today that your oldest sister who, if I understand correctly, sent you abroad to study medicine, and who kept sending you money so that you become a medical doctor, has recently accused you of “disturbing and torturing… and blackmailing” your family who sacrificed for you so that you become a medical doctor, but you didn’t follow through with studying medicine. Next, she hoped that at the least, you would study physiotherapy and become a physiotherapist, but you chose to not follow through with that either. She told you that she thinks that you “didn’t achieve anything here“, suggesting that all of her/ family’s financial investment in you bore no return on investment.

    They really spent money on me …I don’t know …I should pay them back” – if you had an agreement with your sister/ family to use their money for the purpose of studying medicine, and you then chose to drop out of the program, and later, you agreed to keep using their money for the purpose of studying physiotherapy, and then you chose to drop out of the program, then indeed you should plan on paying them back, because you broke the agreement with them.

    I remember that you shared that you used to repeatedly gave and sent money to a guy, a romantic interest of yours. My goodness, Peace: you gave your sister’s/ family’s money to a guy, misusing their money in this way?

    You should definitely return that money to your family!

    I didn’t want to talk to my family and invite this drama, but my husband’s mom wanted to talk to my family, and so my husband wants to fulfill his mom wish of celebrating our marriage … and I talked to family and now so much disturbed… I am thinking to talk to my husband about waiting 1-1.5 years till I complete my studies and talk to them again … because I feel like I dragged my husband into this all mess…and I feel sorry for him” –

    – like I wrote, if you used your sister’s/ family’s money for purposes other than what you agreed on, then you should return all that money to them. If you can’t do it now, then do so after you graduate the program that you chose to pursue when you are gainfully employed.

    As far as your husband goes, I am not clear: (1) are the two of you living together as husband and wife? (2) is he gainfully employed?

    anita

    #391253
    Peace
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    my family invested money when I was coming here after coming here I dint ask for money from last 5,5 years .I m working and financing myself .

    i thought to study medicine but it wasn’t easy so I tried but couldn’t get a place ..

    yes we are living together and yah he is working ..

     

    #391254
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    It is a wonderful thing then, I am glad to read that (1) you and your husband are living together, (2) that you are working and financing yourself, and (3) that your husband is working as well.

    When you wrote in regard to financial help from your sister/ family: “I didn’t ask for money for the last 5.5 years“, do you mean that you didn’t ask, and you didn’t accept money from your family in the last 5.5 years (or do you mean that you didn’t ask for money but accepted it nonetheless)?

    It will be helpful if you are able to calculate how much money you accepted from your family, so that you can make a plan to return their money in monthly installments over the next months or years.

    anita

    #391257
    Peace
    Participant

    I dint ask from them nor they sent me apart from one time in corona situation,when my brother in law sent me money and I asked the reason of sending ..

    and she dint have any reason .even at that time I dint ask him

     

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 14 hours ago by Peace.
    #391259
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    This is good news: for 5.5 years, your sister/ family did not send you any money except that one time. This means that your debt to your family (for having agreed to use their money for certain purposes, purposes you did not fulfill) is limited.

    So, calculate how much you owe them, send it to your sister/family, keep records of the transactions so you have the proof that you no longer have any financial debt to your sister/family, and your sister would not have a single valid reason to accuse you of misusing or mistreating your family in any way, shape or form, would she?

    anita

    #391260
    Peace
    Participant

    Hallo Anita,

    “your sister would not have a single valid reason to accuse you of misusing or mistreating your family in any way, shape or form, would she?”

     

    i guess she would still tell me that I have defame family reputation etc .or that she has sacrificed a lot for me to support me to send me abroad as we are conservative family and that now people will laugh at us ..

    there are things which has no logic but still our society to follow that

    #391261
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Peace:

    There are things which have no logic but still our society follow that” – Peace, you too are Society. You and your husband together, are society, no less than your sister and her husband. If you and your husband believe in logic and truth, then… follow logic and truth.

    Separate your sisters’ accusation into two groups: what is logical and true and what is illogical and untrue.

    If after you pay your financial debt to your sister, she still tells people that “she has sacrificed a lot for me to support me and to send me abroad“- then show the people the evidence that you indeed paid her back all that you owe her.

    If your sister continues to accuse you of what is illogical and untrue- end your contact with her.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 12 hours ago by anita.
    #391273
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Peace,

    I am so sorry you’re being attacked like this by your eldest sister. I think her attack is vicious and unfair because she accused you of “blackmailing, disturbing and torturing my family member“, making you seem like a villain and a criminal, whereas you haven’t blackmailed or tortured anyone, as far as I know.

    I went back and checked your older posts, and this is what you said about the financial support you’ve received from your family:

    my elder sis went till uni ( was doing her Master ) when my dad was sick or even before that when we were facing  financial problems my sister started financially supporting us  by giving tuition classes or doing teaching ..Our days started being better when all my elder sister giving tuition classes or teaching in school along with completing their own Studies .they were not only arranging their own expenses but also supporting younger siblings like me .we were not that much broke .our circumtances started to improve  but after dads sickness we were again struggling emotionally ,mentally after learning that there is no treatment (at that time) .

    my sis was spending more money on our (my and other siblings) Education .she wanted us to have a good career .and when i was in college she decided she will send me abroad for studies…she sold her Savings (Gold ) and also my other sister contributed with their Savings , taking loans.. as i landed here i had enough blocked money for my first year so i started working here, doing Student jobs waitress, working in backery, or production companies  ( as i learnt German language and i am advanced in it ,i started getting better jobs ) so i finance myself and sometimes my family by sending money to my mom  or sis but she doesnt want me to do that ..

    So your eldest sister was a major bread winner for the family after and even before your father got sick: she supported your family and financed her own studies by giving tuition classes and teaching. She also helped her younger siblings, including you, because she wanted them to get a good education and a good career. She decided to send you to study abroad (in Germany), and for that purpose, she sold her gold savings, while your other sister took a loan, so you would have enough money for your first year in Germany. You soon started working and were able to finance yourself fully, and were even sending money back to your family.

    You say:

    i am thinking to talk to my husband to wait 1_1.5 years till i complete my studies and talk to them again …

    because they really spent money on me …i dont know …i should pay them back and do wait..

    Well, I think the best way is to give them back the money you owe them, which is the worth of the gold and the loan your other sister took. Those are the direct costs of your 2 sisters financing your trip, perhaps tuition too (?), and the first year in Germany. I think that would be a a fair amount, and they won’t have the basis for complaining how much they sacrificed for you.

    As for the rest, your sister (and the rest of your family?) is trying to emotionally blackmail you (so it’s actually her who is blackmailing you, not vice versa.) She is disturbed, upset and outraged because your choices don’t match her expectations, and her biggest concern is “what would the people say?” if you marry this guy. This is exacerbated by her husband’s criticism, so they are both railing up against you.

    I can imagine it hurts you a lot, because you said how much your eldest sister’s opinion means to you:

    i met my eldest sister after a long time ,i always wanted to be close to her and i always wishes that she should be proud of me because i craved that attention

    She might have been like a parent figure to you, since she did support you and your other siblings financially for such a long time. It’s understandable that you would like to please her and make her happy. But it seems she is very judgmental of you, e.g. she criticized your looks recently, even before she knew anything about your husband:

    she was critically judging me and putting me down bcz i did make up and she was telling me till 2 days i was looking so awful in that way .

    She still sees you as a child, and treats you like that. She believes you don’t know what is good for you and that you are making wrong decisions:

    she was so angry at me that she was saying i m a child ,emotional,i dont know about people etc.

    she put me down on those messages by saying i m very inconsistant (may be because i refused to a guy which they wanted me too)… and how immature childish i m..and that she is so fed up of my childish behaviour

    she thinks i never achieved anything here

    Perhaps a part of her concern is that in the past you had some relationships which weren’t good for you, and she doesn’t know that you’ve changed since then and healed much of that stuff. So a part of her problem might be that she sees the old you – a lonely girl who craved for love and got involved with men who didn’t care about you or respect you. She doesn’t know you have changed since then. But another part of the problem is that she seems judgmental in general, and might have been criticizing you for a long time.

    You said that when last you met, she ignored you: “this time even though i m now adult ,independent, i was somehow ignored by her”. This probably means she saw a child in you – someone whom she used to criticize a lot (am I right in thinking that?). In that encounter in October 2021, the only thing she could see was your make-up, and she put you down for it. She didn’t have a nice word for you…

    Also, she doesn’t respect your choices, e.g. she doesn’t respect the fact that you didn’t like physiotherapy but chose to study something you like better. It tells me she doesn’t care about your preferences… in her mind, you should do what she expects you to do. Both with your studies and in choosing whom to marry.

    She doesn’t wish you well – she doesn’t care about your happiness, but only what she deems proper. And her motivation is selfish – to spare herself and the family from public humiliation. They had (and still have) racist views, and now they would feel humiliated by you marrying someone from a lower caste. They don’t care about you, but about themselves (we’ve already talked about this).

    I hope you see how your sister and the rest of your family isn’t working in your best interest, even if in the past she helped you financially and supported your education. But emotionally, it seems she wasn’t very supportive, and now she became outright hostile.

    I think you should repay your debt to them and cut contact, as anita said, because you are only getting accusations from them, and also their treatment of your husband is appalling. And he truly doesn’t deserve that, as you said. I know it’s hard for you to cut contact, but if your sister is forcing you to live against yourself and wants to deny you happiness, what else is there to do?

     

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