bad timing or patterns?

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This topic has 193 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 month, 1 week ago by anita.

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October 31, 2021 at 3:00 pm #388034

Peace
Participant

DearAnita,

I hope that this sister has nothing negative to say about you or about your soon-to-be husband, and that she shows him the respect he deserves.

i hope so..actually i dint tell her about my bf yet as far as i know my other sister ( may be ) hasnt told her yet ..

i still dint think about telling her as she is kind of very cultural kind a person and i m not sure ,how would she react ..

at this stage of my life ..i want no drama in my life and no emotional manipulation from anyone..i want to have a peace of mind and dont want tp be mentally disturb …bcz i have alot of things to focus on my study, job and my mental health ..

i have this feeling that i m improving my mental health ..i m feeling myself (the happy me:) )

Peace

October 31, 2021 at 3:12 pm #388035

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

It feels very good to me when I read: “at this stage of my life.. I want to drama in my life and no emotional manipulation from anyone.. I want to have a peace of mind and don’t want to be mentally disturbed“-

Peace wants to have a peace of mind– it makes sense!

If your sister, during her week long visit, creates drama in your life, and/ or tries to emotionally manipulate you, mentally disturbs you and takes away your peace of mind- please cut her visit short. She has to respect her host/s or she doesn’t get to be a guest!

anita

November 9, 2021 at 11:22 am #388387

Peace
Participant

dear Anita,

how are you? how are you doing? how is the corona pandemic there? … here in Germany the corona situation is going on its peak.

Peace wants to have a peace of mind– it makes sense!

HAHAha 🙂

i didn’t tell my sis about him because I wasn’t ready for any drama right now …

November 9, 2021 at 11:34 am #388388

Peace
Participant

Dear Anita,

why is it so that sometimes we know that we took the right decision but suddenly we start to doubt ourselves and our Decisions ??

I do feel It often.

Peace

November 9, 2021 at 12:31 pm #388389

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

I am fine, thank you. I hope the pandemic situation in Germany (and everywhere else) improves very soon! You asked why you doubt the decisions you make. I’ll explain through an example: let’s say that you are now doubting the decision to marry your boyfriend. At this time, your sister is still visiting you, or she recently visited you and left. You wrote that you didn’t tell her about your decision to get married because you weren’t “ready for any drama right now”. This means that you expected her to disapprove of your decision to get married, if she knew.

So, let’s say your sister did not make any comments about your decision to get married, that she didn’t disapprove of it or criticize your decision (because she didn’t know of your decision). But it is possible that you “heard” her disapproval and criticism anyway, imagining her saying that you shouldn’t marry the guy, that it will be a bad decision, etc., and as a result: you are disapproving and criticizing your own decision. Can it be what happened most recently?

anita

November 11, 2021 at 12:29 am #388426

Tee
Participant

Dear Peace,

I haven’t seen your message from October 31, thanking me and anita for the progress you’ve made – you are very welcome!

i dint understand alot of things and i used to feel guilty mostly ., i still do feel guilty but now i m able differentiate about healthy guilt feeling ( which makes me a human ,if i m unfair about a thing i guess) and unhealthy one .. and much more ..

You have indeed made an incredible progress and I am so happy for you!!

Regarding your other sister’s visit, you say:

actually i dint tell her about my bf yet as far as i know my other sister ( may be ) hasnt told her yet ..

i still dint think about telling her as she is kind of very cultural kind a person and i m not sure ,how would she react ..

at this stage of my life ..i want no drama in my life and no emotional manipulation from anyone..i want to have a peace of mind and dont want tp be mentally disturb …bcz i have alot of things to focus on my study, job and my mental health ..

The thing is that even if you haven’t told your sister about your wedding plans, the drama is still happening in your own mind. You fear your sister’s reaction, you don’t want her (or other family members) to condemn you, and the fear of their rejection is so strong that you started questioning your decision to marry the man you love (why is it so that sometimes we know that we took the right decision but suddenly we start to doubt ourselves and our Decisions ??)

To answer your question: you started doubting your decision because you fear your family’s rejection. It’s the inner child that fears to be rejected, unloved and left alone… like you were once, when you suffered alone, in the corner, no one noticing that something’s bothering you…. It’s the same little girl afraid that this would happen again…

You need to metaphorically take her in your arms and tell her she is not alone, that you’ll be there for her always. You need to tell her that you love her and will always protect her and care for her. You can give yourself a big hug, to embrace that little girl.

And also, you’re not alone now, you have a man who loves you and cares about you… so tell the little girl she has nothing to worry about, that she will be safe and loved, even if her family rejects her for their stupid and short-sighted reasons.

Do you think you can do that? Do you think you can talk to your inner child like that?

December 9, 2021 at 7:42 am #389619

Anonymous
Guest

How are you, Peace?

anita

December 10, 2021 at 9:25 pm #389665

Peace
Participant

Dear Anita ,

i m good how about you ..it’s been a long time

since I last posted .I m going to reply you and Teak in next post .

December 10, 2021 at 10:00 pm #389666
Peace
Participant
Dear Anita and Teak ,

i hope you both doing fine .. how is the situation of corona and it’s new variant there . sometimes it feels like it’s always gonna stay with us and each time with new variant..

returning to the question which I asked in my last post

“why is it so that sometimes we know that we took the right decision but suddenly we start to doubt ourselves and our Decisions ??”

actually it was a decision about a good friendship of mine ( my sisters were convincing me again nf again for him who I can’t trust or don’t wanna may be ,they tried to talk about him so much that I started to doubt the experience which I got from him ) who was showing all his interest in me and flirting ,being close to me after I helped him financially in corona situation and with his fees (am I fool that I wanna help people financially?? Should it be like that ?? ).he is my brother in law’s brother .he was like a best friend to me and purposed me and I asked for some time to think about it(as I was already messed up in another relationship which he dint know about) ..as I sorted things out and approached he acted like stranger ,totally ignoring me even wasn’t talking to me like a friend..I-was so complete it shock and felt betrayal .

i had this feeling that “ ok if he is not interested or currently dating that’s fine but at least he could be a friend to me “ because we were only friends for long time and nothing more and how come out of sudden he start ignoring his friends bcz he is dating someone..

after some months he started showing interest again( current )

so I was thinking what if I judged him wrongly.I started questioning my decision..
I will write more about my bf ( husband) after work ..we did Islamic marriage here and waiting for our documents .
you are right Teak .I read your post it touched me a lot about soothing my inner child .

i will write more after my shift .

stay healthy❤️

peace
- This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Peace.
December 11, 2021 at 11:54 am #389670

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

CONGRATULATIONS for getting married!!!

I think that the first time you shared about your now husband was on July 8 this year. You shared that you’ve been dating him since May 2021. Part of what you wrote on that day was (I am correcting typos and grammar):

“We just hold each other’s hand when we go out …I don’t invite him to my place nor does he… which I’m liking … He is an introvert, and it took him almost more than one month to hold my hand. He doesn’t do all the sweet talks, but I see him doing the things which he should be doing … I really feel-good inside and appreciate it. I like the consistency and that I don’t need to walk on eggshells…I am feeling as if it’s the right one this time”-

– and indeed, he is the right one and he is your husband: nothing better than a good man when it comes to a husband. I am so excited for you!

You asked in your recent post: “am I fool that I wanna help people financially??“- only if (1) your help is not really helping the people you want to help, and (2) giving to others is hurting you.

Now that you are a married woman, you and your husband (one financial unit, I hope) should work like a team, discussing and agreeing on how to responsibly spend your money, discussing other topics and agreeing on ways to make your marriage healthy and loving!

In regard to the pandemic and new variants: I am tired, pandemic fatigued. I got the Pfizer booster recently, following the first and second shots earlier this year. I hope that you and your husband are fully vaccinated as well, and so good to read from you!

anita

December 14, 2021 at 1:15 am #389824

Tee
Participant

Dear Peace,

congratulations on getting married! I am happy for you!

Does your family know about it? I am asking because it seems this male friend of yours is flirting with you again (after some months he started showing interest again (current)), and your sisters are convincing you to be friendly with him:

actually it was a decision about a good friendship of mine ( my sisters were convincing me again nf again for him who I can’t trust or don’t wanna may be ,they tried to talk about him so much that I started to doubt the experience which I got from him )

Have I understood it right – that he is flirting with you again, in hope of marriage? Or he is not flirting, but showing interest in being friends again, after months of ignoring you and not talking to you? And you don’t trust him (rightfully) because he might not be honest with you but has ulterior motives, such as borrowing money from you?

As for the pandemic, I too have a slight pandemic fatigue. Honestly, I am reluctant to get a booster shot, but will do it, since it appears that 2 shots don’t provide a good protection any more…

December 18, 2021 at 5:10 am #389952

Peace
Participant

Dear Anita,

“CONGRATULATIONS for getting married!!!”

thank you so much 🙂 🙂 🙂

how are you ? And how arr you doing? Any plans for Christmas?
i m so glad I ll have 2 weeks off from Uni finally..

No doubt he was right for me and is right for me .. I m glad I found him. I met him last December in a train coincidentally while talking to someone in my mother tongue ..

what a Coincidence!!!! Hahaha

Yes dear we are fully vaccinated .I took 2 dose of biotech and he took one shot and than got covid virus … but we are thinking of a booster shot ..

Peace

December 18, 2021 at 1:11 pm #390091

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

Good to read from you this grey, foggy and rainy day! I am fine, and no, I didn’t make plans for Christmas. I enjoy watching the Christmas tree downtown and all the lightings and decorations around, but I don’t really do anything special for any holiday, not for a long, long time.

What a coincidence indeed that you met your husband on a train while talking your mother tongue. I know another woman who met a man she married this exact way, in an underground train in London.

Good to read that you are fully vaccinated and that your husband recovered from Covid and that the two of you are planning to get booster shots. I hope you enjoy your two weeks off from university and that you do enjoy your first Christmas as a married woman (how exciting!)

anita

December 19, 2021 at 9:07 pm #390139

Peace
Participant

Dear Teak,

Thank you so much .

“Does your family know about it? I am asking because it seems this male friend of yours is flirting with you again (after some months he started showing interest again (current)), “

ya I told my sis that he is flirting with me again and that how he turned out to be a very different person in the past (out of sudden) most probably because he found someone..

and my sis started to take his side ,she want to take anyone‘s side but not my husband simply because my society is full of racism… and my husband doesn’t match my family parameters..w

„Have I understood it right – that he is flirting with you again, in hope of marriage? Or he is not flirting, but showing interest in being friends again, after months of ignoring you and not talking to you? And you don’t trust him (rightfully) because he might not be honest with you but has ulterior motives, such as borrowing money from you?“

i think ya .. he is flirting with me again ,in hope for marriage .

i dont trust him because he was very interested before 2 years.we were best friends,he would flirt , talked nd teased me but he never asked for something official or even marriage so I guessed he must not be interested in me romantically, at that time as I went for a relationship than he told me „ how much he likes me „ and want to marry and he is waiting for me and that I should let him know when it doesn’t work out ..

Unfortunately The relationship dint work out. Than again this flirting went on ,teasing,talking all but nothing serious..

untill After months I got confused and someone asked me out in Germany..he was looking decent and of same culture.. i Started seeing him ,because I was tired of waiting for something serious from that“ best friend“ ..

As I was a bit busy with my full time job and my new guy .I was not interested in flirting with my

so again he told me how serious he is …

I will continue this..

…….Continue…..

December 22, 2021 at 8:27 am #390203

Tee
Participant

Dear Peace,

sorry for replying only now, I was quite busy… I must say I don’t quite understand your situation with the male friend, because you say he is flirting in hope of marriage. Does it mean he doesn’t know you are already married?

I understand you’ve had a hard time asserting yourself, since your family was very negative and judgmental about your husband. Are you having a hard time letting them know that you are married?
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