Hi Imuhetalanaht

He already did bad things to you – screaming, hitting. And he did other bad things to your siblings. It is not just you, but your mother and siblings are going through the same – “he seems so trustworthy, caring, polite, how could he do such a thing?”

Let’s take a different example. If he cut your sibling’s finger and up until then he only ever pinched you. Does that make it okay, even if he is caring and loving at other times? Whether you forgive him or not, it is up to you. But know that he could still have the blade hidden somewhere and cut someone else’s finger. Please protect yourself and your family. Trust your mother to guide you through this and take a stand with her that your safety is important. You can focus on sorting out your feelings with him later. But first, getting your mother, yourself and your hurt siblings to safety is important.

Also once someone cut that finger, you should get them treatment and get away from the abuser. Not wait and confront, will that restore the finger?

Just because you are hurt and confused, and I understand you love him, it doesn’t change the fact that he did this. Eventually you will accept it. In the meantime, your safety is important.

– After the confront, i think it all will be fine but im wrong. The day we confront become so mess and it become one hell of trauma for me. I cant forget his face in that moment of realization. I cant see all the questions, humiliation, anger from my mother and my other siblings that thrown to him. I think your culture is similar to mine from the way you’ve written. So I know you will understand what I’m about to say. The only thing you should feel conflicted about is the fact that you were not able to tolerate your mother’s and siblings’ anger and questions towards him. You are very clear there that couldn’t bear it. Yet you are confused with your father doing a horrible thing – bringing up all his good qualities and not being able to believe. If I heard my father did such a thing, I would react the same way – I would be shocked, unable to believe it, but not while staying neutral. I would stand by my mother’s side and ask more questions. Ask your father how he could seem so caring and yet do this.  There is a right side here and you are not on that side! You were not the victim, you can’t expect anything to be fine after the confrontation. Also hitting you was not acceptable. Figure out if you really want to forgive that.

I’m sorry you have to erase all your memories with him and are hurting. I hope your family heals from this.