Dear Girija:

You are welcome. “I know that pretty women lose their needles too, but I suppose if I had less flaws, my needle wouldn’t jump back” – continuing the metaphor: needles jump back to the haystack because something inside them is unsettled, an unresolved pain from childhood vibrating within them, making them jumpy!

“What I am trying to figure out or are on my mind – 1) Will I ever find it” – like you said, “there is no predicting this“, but having communicated with you long enough, I believe that the person that you are (the ways you think, feel, behave) is compatible with a long-term loving relationship with a good man.

“Currently arranged marriage portals are where my mother is shortlisting guys for me….  The anecdotes of online dating have me terrified. I don’t have the guts to try it” – however you meet men, the key is to thoroughly study any man, thoroughly get to know how he thinks, feels and behaves in various contexts before agreeing to marry him. In regard to online dating, if you gather the courage to try it, and need help with putting together a profile and with how to go about it otherwise, let me know and I’ll help you best I can.

I didn’t understand #3. Next: “You did say not to settle, and I don’t want to either. But I am afraid of ending up all alone” – by not settling I meant that at the least, you don’t choose a man who will make you wish for and long to be alone!

“You said start tomorrow but I am not confident in who I am today to put myself out there. I could be thinner, with more hair and better hobbies” – here is a catchy way to start an online profile: “I could be thinner, with more hair and better hobbies, but I am…. (positive traits humbly stated, with some humor)”.

“I was upset last night and cried in bed, couldn’t life give me better looks” – when you were in bed last night crying, it was dark, wasn’t it? You couldn’t see how you look. When you get married, every single night it will be dark. In the dark, before falling asleep, you and your husband can hold each other, feeling safer in each other’s arms, whispering words of comfort, or sharing a joke to lighten the seriousness of the day. All that done in dim lights or in darkness.

In the morning, after a good night sleep, he will be smiling as you bring him breakfast to bed, seeing you, in his eyes, as the most beautiful woman in the world.

“I can’t imagine a guy loving me” – I can.

“If someone told me love and intimacy are not real, it would be awesome… I’d still have trouble with my looks but no angst about not finding love because of who I am and worrying about what all I need to change” – (1) Love and intimacy are real, but they are not the dominant human experience, this is why the world is in the state in which it is, (2) You don’t need to change before you look for love. In the profile suggestion I made above, you state that you could be thinner, meaning you can put together this profile tonight or tomorrow!

anita

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