Also I’ve commented on another post reflecting on what I felt about self-esteem. Commenting on someone else’s post with a problem I could relate made me feel selfish. However, I cannot help but think how codependent I feel.

Two days ago, my ex-boyfriend texted me out of the blue and I’ve deleted that text, it was just a conversation starter and I didn’t contribute. That got me thinking that night but I resisted the feeling, I even texted at some point but then I just deleted it and nothing was sent.

Then I’ve traveled and came to the city my mom and her husband lives for a few days, just cause I feel bad about not visiting her. This made me remember my last time I spent here, I was still in contact with my ex-boyfriend and he was actually being with other people without telling me. I was feeling neglected by my mother as well. Even though she was very happy to see me here as a surprise, and even though she was disappointed to hear that I’ll be back to work in a few days, she acted very cold and careless at night, when she was sleepy.

That was when I remembered how she was, how she made me feel and it suddenly became more clear. Even though I confront her about it, she will not change. Yes, she misses me and she is probably content that I’m here for a while, but she doesn’t care for me the way I wanted to be cared for, this is not enough for me to feel safe. And I cannot blame her for that. Her defence mechanism works like this, to be careless about the world since the world is too much work sometimes. She couldn’t handle things, so she learned how to “not care” about stuff. She only cares about animals and that’s all.

The feelings of loneliness actually reminded me of how I wanted to see that care from somebody else. I actually remembered how my ex-boyfriend was able to understand this apathy, and he always supported me when I was affected by it. I cried a bit, and then I thought about how I’ll always need that in my life and how I cannot have that from my parents. I was scared of losing them and also losing this possibility of confronting or resolving everything. But I realized that nothing will be resolved, cause the fact that they love me doesn’t mean they will want to change and I don’t see that happening anymore. I distracted myself with a podcast and I slept.

I saw my ex-boyfriend in my dream. He was rejecting me, I was trying to get to him, trying to talk with him or face him. I was in need of some connection, someone who has understood me in the past in a really good way. I hoped that he would, again, be willing to understand. But he rejected me, rejected any type of help and he wasn’t there. I was left alone, crying a lot. Exactly like the time he told me that he was seeing someone else when I was back to that city after staying with my mom for a month. I couldn’t believe that, then. How could he do that? It was extremely hard to understand and endure. It felt like the most powerful rejection I’ve had. I wanted to see him, talk about this and even call out, cry and fight about it. I didn’t want to lose connection. But he didn’t want to see me and told me “I cannot help you.”

The fact that he rejected helping me that night in different aspects (relationship and also just humane helping) did hurt me a lot. And at the moments where he reached out to me later on, asking for communication or anything, telling me that he’s missing me was also hard to endure, and in some of those, I was able to remember that night. I was so vulnerable, so hurt and crying alone and he was able to reject me. People experience worse and worse, there are too much pain around that people suffer from, I know. But being like that, and being rejected by somebody who I felt most comfortable with was one of the worst things for me.

So I’m here, remembering all those stuff after all this time passed by. I guess I’m still resolving these stuff by myself. Also not being able to communicate very well with my current partner might have a role in this, since this has been the first time I went away after we’ve started the relationship and started to feel this way. He is the reason why I manage to feel good, why I can choose to feel good. I couldn’t actually choose to feel good in the past, there were lot’s of reasons preventing me from doing that. I actually get scared of being like that again. I know that I am a big reason for his happiness and he is a big reason of mine, but I am really scared of losing him.