January 14, 2022 at 11:41 am #391301
Good to read back from you and thank you for your kind words and the new year wishes! The snow here is finally gone and it is not cold anymore, not like before. It’s good to not be trapped by heavy snow, or ice.
I like it that you decided to keep yourself optimistic in your recent post of only 25 minutes ago, submitted at 10:15 pm, your time. I want to re-read it and reply later, when I am more focused. I hope you have a restful night. You will find should my next post in your thread Saturday morning, your time.
anitaJanuary 14, 2022 at 1:23 pm #391306
I want to follow suit and like you, make a change: keep my post not so deep and not pessimistic, but optimistic and simple (“I should learn to keep it simple sometimes, without looking into it pessimistically… I’ll try to keep myself optimistic this time“). Maybe it will make you feel better to read it! I would very much like it if you felt better when reading my post, so let’s see how this goes.
“Even after those hard conditions, you’re posting here, which means a lot. How can you do that?” – habit and meaning, I find meaning in communicating here with people from all over the world. I’ve been communicating with you since June 7, 2019, and I am grateful for this opportunity to learn about you: you are interesting to get to know, and I only started to get to know you, there is a whole lot more to you!
“Maybe we’ve developed a connection” – yes!
“I’ve got my education till high school at a school where my father was a teacher…. I was holding the burden of ‘representing my father’ and something I did had the possibility to embarrass him… After I started high school at a different school… a different school full of slightly less successful student which made me sparkle there. I was more confident” – I didn’t know all this. Like I said, I am still getting to know you!
“I sometimes feel superior to my peers, and that actually creates some kind of a suffering. Since I feel superior intellectually or ethically, I can feel like I deserved better than somebody who is not as intellectual or as ethic regarding behaviors or even thoughts. And when that person has more than I do, then the suffering I mentioned plays a role. I actually don’t suffer if we have the same amount of happiness or success, but when that person has more, I feel worthless…. This makes me think that we should keep this thing in balance. I think that most of the people I seem to be bothered by feeding themselves and their ego more than they should be. Would you agree to that?” –
– Trying to keep it simple and optimistic, I’d say that feeling superior to others and feeling inferior to others are two sides of the same coin and both sides bring suffering. Feeling equal to others is the key to mental health. Feeling equal makes us feel worthy while feeling inferior or superior makes us feel worthless, sooner or later. I agree that we should balance our superior/ inferior ego with… equality. By equality, I do not mean that we should endorse ignorant thinking and harmful behavior. I mean that as human beings we are inherently equal, born equal, no better and no worse than any other human.
Did I manage to keep this post simple and optimistic?
anitaJanuary 15, 2022 at 8:07 am #391323
Yes, you did! Thank you but I didn’t mean to affect your writing. Please write however you’d like to. I should be able to manage my own feelings and I believe I can do that. It was just an observation, but your post didn’t make me feel bad at all, since we’re also mentioning ego and all, not painful stuff like before.
I should read about ego more these days, maybe it’s the right time to do that. I’m stable in my relationships and job at the moment, and I think it’s the right time to do that while I have the energy. Also, focusing on these subjects and focusing on myself charges me. I really need that charge these days. My mind needs to be revitalized with new perspectives.
Feeling optimistic and a bit content, I hope you’ll smile for the rest of your day!January 15, 2022 at 9:18 am #391330
You really did make me smile for the first time today, it happened when I read your last line.
“I didn’t mean to affect your writing. Please write however you’d like to” – I am thankful to you for your input about my writing, for letting me know how it affected you. It is a very helpful input because my interest is not to keep writing the same way forevermore, no matter how it affects the reader. My interest is to improve my writing so that it is simple and easy to read, not overwhelming and difficult to read! I realize that indeed I have lots of room for improvement.
I am so glad to read that you are stable in your relationships and job, that you are focusing on yourself, and it charges you, and that you are feeling optimistic and a bit content; you made my day, mioyoid!
anitaFebruary 4, 2022 at 1:14 pm #392333
I’m glad that you’ve smiled. I hope that you’ll smile even more today for various reasons.
I sometimes feel bad about my writing or overall English skills, since I’m not native and I can observe when I start to forget a bit or get better with a good practice. Maybe you’re the same, however, I remember that you were living there so you must be speaking English all the time. I use simple words when I do my job, just simple English. Some say, that’s the best thing. But I also want to be sophisticated. I like well-spoken or well-written English and I can say I’ve never had any problems reading your words, it has been smooth and I was impressed a lot, since you’ve gotten too deep sometimes, which I would prefer.February 4, 2022 at 1:29 pm #392334
I am smiling again, right now, because you are back on the forums today (the reply elsewhere and here). English is not my first language, but I do speak it all the time. Like other people whose English is not the first language, I still confuse prepositions (on, in, for, from, etc.)
“But I also want to be sophisticated” – but you are sophisticated! I’ve been thinking of you as a sophisticated young woman for a long time!
anitaFebruary 4, 2022 at 2:57 pm #392336
Also I’ve commented on another post reflecting on what I felt about self-esteem. Commenting on someone else’s post with a problem I could relate made me feel selfish. However, I cannot help but think how codependent I feel.
Two days ago, my ex-boyfriend texted me out of the blue and I’ve deleted that text, it was just a conversation starter and I didn’t contribute. That got me thinking that night but I resisted the feeling, I even texted at some point but then I just deleted it and nothing was sent.
Then I’ve traveled and came to the city my mom and her husband lives for a few days, just cause I feel bad about not visiting her. This made me remember my last time I spent here, I was still in contact with my ex-boyfriend and he was actually being with other people without telling me. I was feeling neglected by my mother as well. Even though she was very happy to see me here as a surprise, and even though she was disappointed to hear that I’ll be back to work in a few days, she acted very cold and careless at night, when she was sleepy.
That was when I remembered how she was, how she made me feel and it suddenly became more clear. Even though I confront her about it, she will not change. Yes, she misses me and she is probably content that I’m here for a while, but she doesn’t care for me the way I wanted to be cared for, this is not enough for me to feel safe. And I cannot blame her for that. Her defence mechanism works like this, to be careless about the world since the world is too much work sometimes. She couldn’t handle things, so she learned how to “not care” about stuff. She only cares about animals and that’s all.
The feelings of loneliness actually reminded me of how I wanted to see that care from somebody else. I actually remembered how my ex-boyfriend was able to understand this apathy, and he always supported me when I was affected by it. I cried a bit, and then I thought about how I’ll always need that in my life and how I cannot have that from my parents. I was scared of losing them and also losing this possibility of confronting or resolving everything. But I realized that nothing will be resolved, cause the fact that they love me doesn’t mean they will want to change and I don’t see that happening anymore. I distracted myself with a podcast and I slept.
I saw my ex-boyfriend in my dream. He was rejecting me, I was trying to get to him, trying to talk with him or face him. I was in need of some connection, someone who has understood me in the past in a really good way. I hoped that he would, again, be willing to understand. But he rejected me, rejected any type of help and he wasn’t there. I was left alone, crying a lot. Exactly like the time he told me that he was seeing someone else when I was back to that city after staying with my mom for a month. I couldn’t believe that, then. How could he do that? It was extremely hard to understand and endure. It felt like the most powerful rejection I’ve had. I wanted to see him, talk about this and even call out, cry and fight about it. I didn’t want to lose connection. But he didn’t want to see me and told me “I cannot help you.”
The fact that he rejected helping me that night in different aspects (relationship and also just humane helping) did hurt me a lot. And at the moments where he reached out to me later on, asking for communication or anything, telling me that he’s missing me was also hard to endure, and in some of those, I was able to remember that night. I was so vulnerable, so hurt and crying alone and he was able to reject me. People experience worse and worse, there are too much pain around that people suffer from, I know. But being like that, and being rejected by somebody who I felt most comfortable with was one of the worst things for me.
So I’m here, remembering all those stuff after all this time passed by. I guess I’m still resolving these stuff by myself. Also not being able to communicate very well with my current partner might have a role in this, since this has been the first time I went away after we’ve started the relationship and started to feel this way. He is the reason why I manage to feel good, why I can choose to feel good. I couldn’t actually choose to feel good in the past, there were lot’s of reasons preventing me from doing that. I actually get scared of being like that again. I know that I am a big reason for his happiness and he is a big reason of mine, but I am really scared of losing him.February 4, 2022 at 3:58 pm #392337
It is late at night when you posted the above, close to 2 am, your time. I can feel the alone/ lonely feeling that you experience, and the anxiety, but I can also see that you are in a better mental and emotional place than where you used to be! Congratulations for not answering the ex’s text, I am glad you didn’t because at times he was terribly cruel to you! Your current boyfriend is a good man, is my understanding, not cruel like the ex was. I will answer further tomorrow (in about 14 hours from now). Please try to be as calm as you can possibly be. Trust your progress, trust the understanding you expressed here, in your last post, and be at peace with it. I’ll be back to you Sat afternoon, your time.
anitaFebruary 5, 2022 at 9:22 am #392344
(In boldface are your words taken from your most recent post of yesterday. Boldfaced and italicized are your words from previous posts and threads)
“Then I’ve traveled and came to the city my mom and her husband lives for a few days… I was feeling neglected by my mother as well. Even though she was very happy to see me here as a surprise, and even though she was disappointed to hear that I’ll be back to work in a few days, she acted very cold and careless at night, when she was sleepy” –
– You shared long ago that when you were a young child, you needed your mother close to you if you were to fall asleep, so she stayed with you by your bed until you fell asleep. When you fell asleep, she left to be on her own. But the moment you realized she was gone- you got up and went looking for her. She was annoyed when that happened, and fast forward, during your most recent visit, she was annoyed again (“cold and careless“) when she was sleepy, and you again needed her attention.
I don’t think that the problem ever was that your mother didn’t like you. I think that the problem has been all along that she didn’t like being a mother- it was too much of a bother for her, so much so that she didn’t want any one of her daughters to become mothers: “I know that she’s seen children as something that would hold people back. Therefore, she never wanted us (me and my sister) to be mothers… my mom used to be hard on children, like if someone is behaving spoiled. She didn’t like spoiled children… She was working hard and trying to raise us, do all the responsibilities at home as well“.
This is probably why she likes cats so much (“my mother currently lives with 7-8 cats“), cats are quite independent, they do not have those dependent emotional needs that children have.
As a child and a teenager, you often stayed up at night because your mother wasn’t there with you, either she was in another part of the home, wanting to be left alone, or she was out working: “I was spending my time alone at the house in the evenings, and she was working… I remember her not being able to return home for a long period of time and I felt a bit bad. I wasn’t able to sleep cause I waited for her” – fast forward, last night you were up, typing your recent post at 2 am. Staying up at night by the computer is a behavior that was imprinted in your brain during childhood.
“Yes, she misses me, and she is probably content that I’m here for a while, but she doesn’t care for me the way I wanted to be cared for, this is not enough for me to feel safe… She only cares about animals and that’s all” – she doesn’t like to be a mother, never liked it. She doesn’t like having children because children are dependent. She likes having cats because cats are independent.
When a child does not get to depend on her mother, she becomes co-dependent, looking for a romantic interest to depend on: “The feelings of loneliness actually reminded me of how I wanted to see that care from somebody else. I actually remembered how my ex-boyfriend… always supported me… I’ll always need that in my life and how I cannot have that from my parents” –
– I think that the beginning of your co-dependency can be traced back to the night when you were a teenager, studying for exams, alone at home because your mother was out working. You met a guy on the internet, a guy you never met in-person, but he took your loneliness away with his nice words: “I had somebody I could text with, and I have heard some nice words. I was literally over the moon; I even remember forgetting everything cause I was daydreaming the whole time…. I was able to get a higher grade than normal because I was feeling high“.
Back to last night, regarding your parents: “I realized that nothing will be resolved, cause the fact that they love me doesn’t mean they will want to change, and I don’t see that happening anymore” – I agree, you will never get your dependency needs met by your mother, or by your father. Or by romantic interests. The fear of being abandoned and rejected has been a lifetime fear and only the other night you had a dream: “I saw my ex-boyfriend in my dream. He was rejecting me, I was trying to get to him, trying to talk with him or face him. I was in need of some connection, someone who has understood me… It felt like the most powerful rejection I’ve had. I wanted to see him… I didn’t want to lose connection. But he didn’t want to see me and told me ‘I cannot help you.’“.
It just occurred to me for the first time that the reason you were so attached to that ex who, as you brought up and we discussed, fits the borderline personality disorder diagnosis (BPD) may be this: you wrote in June 2019: “mom’s love was a bit unpredictable, exists and then disappears” – the hallmark of BPD is unpredictability. It could be that the shifts between him being understanding and supportive of you and being cold and cruel to you, caused you to want to change him, similar to having tried to change your unpredictable mother to… a predictable, reliable and dependable source of understanding and support.
“Also not being able to communicate very well with my current partner might have a role in this, since this has been the first time I went away after we’ve started the relationship… He is the reason why I manage to feel good, why I can choose to feel good… I know that I am a big reason for his happiness, and he is a big reason of mine, but I am really scared of losing him” – you are codependent on him, but maybe he is codependent on you, and this mutual co-dependency is likely to be the reason why you will not be losing him. But like I said, your early life dependency needs cannot be met by him. It will take you continuing to do emotional work where you connect to the child that you were, feeling that it was really you, scared and lonely, and feeling empathy and understanding for yourself.
March 29, 2022 at 8:41 am #396406
- This reply was modified 4 months, 3 weeks ago by anita.
I remember deciding on working on my issues at some point in the previous months. However, I totally paused on my problems and focused on the others. I don’t know why I did this, it wasn’t a choice. It was mostly the friends I had needed that, and I offered them whatever I could.
There are two girls, one of them has been an old friend (5yrs) and the other one is new, but an emotional friend. But I feel exhausted now, it has been a lot. And I’ve been explaining them how I feel that way, and how I should just stop. They understand, they don’t get upset. However, they continue on telling me, ranting me, crying at me about the things they experience. They do that because they know I won’t judge or I wouldn’t get angry with them for making the same mistakes. And I know that they cannot share the same things with each other. They know that the other one would either get angry or get impatient. So they open up to me, and then I understand, try to give an insight and emotional support. Have been thinking about this since this situation is now out of my control and I had to set boundaries. And when I did, softly, by explaining myself, even though the other party respected it, they continued their behavior for some time and I also felt really guilty and restless. I have this problem in other areas too. When someone asks something from me, even though I learned how to reject, the fact that I rejected and the fact that I was asked for something haunts me in a way. So I cannot feel comfortable. I feel responsible in a way, but then I would’ve been rejected them. Something I need to work on.
And I also question my friendships. I’ve lost contact of some old friends because I don’t gave them enough attention in the past, but I was okay with that in time. They wanted more time, and I had to work. They couldn’t understand, so we were no longer friends. I still see them ignorant, but I’m over that. And now the fact that I need my own time again, some isolation from their struggles, feels like what would I feel if I were them. I had my own bad days, I also tried to find support. Although maybe I didn’t experience that kind of a bad thing where I couldn’t stay by myself, and I needed someone to talk about it again and again. Maybe I did, but I don’t remember. I feel like I stay alone in those kinds of situations or write here, or to a professional. I sometimes also feel like my own problems cannot be solved by my friends, at least the closest ones. Maybe because I give insight to them, maybe because I see their struggle, I feel like my struggles are superior, I’m not sure. I kind of see them as luckier than I am, and maybe that’s why they cannot understand each other fully and they come to me for that.
Another thing about the boundaries is that I’m kind of fed up with helping some people in my life. I always think about every single possibility and I act accordingly. I always set aside some money for harder times, I always have extra money if I need something urgent, I always try to have something to eat if I cannot find something at some point. I always have some tissues, I always have my phone charged and stuff like this. Very trivial, but sometimes very important. There are so many details I think and act accordingly that my friends don’t think about. And when they need something, they just ask me and I try to help them. But this is not because I have extra time to think about those details, or this is not because I have extra money to spend on details. I put importance on it and I spend less time and money on extras/fun and that’s why I have them. So when a friend of mine spends so much on fun and then asks me when she desperately needs the money, I feel awful. Even with the trivial things that I shouldn’t care about. My flatmate just asked me if she can use my milk, because she forgot. I don’t like to share my stuff and I keep extra, so I had to open up the milk just for her. I sometimes dislike myself for caring about these issues, I shouldn’t be caring about those. But then, those people end up asking for more and more and then I feel used. And in the times of need, you cannot ask them to be careful, you feel like helping them.
I don’t really know why I get this much uncomfortable. It’s really hard to decide on the boundaries and I also feel like I’m making it a bigger problem than it already is. Maybe I need more boundaries since I grew up kind of alone? And maybe I need to get rid of some so that I can be more content in long-term? I don’t know how to decide or set the boundaries properly.March 29, 2022 at 11:10 am #396412
It’s nice to see that these friends can see my efforts, though. My boyfriend that I mentioned thinks I should stop babysitting them, even though I feel like this is just support, not babysitting, I kind of agree at some degree. I wanted to add that. I rejected a friend that will have a hard time staying alone tonight. She will spend the night alone, and so will I. And I told her that I needed to spend some time alone, and she respected that.March 29, 2022 at 12:17 pm #396418
“I rejected a friend that will have a hard time staying alone tonight. She will spend the night alone, and so will I. And I told her that I needed to spend some time alone” – excellent job at asserting yourself tonight, I am glad to read this!
“There are two girls… I feel exhausted now, it has been a lot. And I’ve been explaining them how I feel that way, and how I should just stop. They understand, they don’t get upset. However, they continue on telling me, ranting me, crying at me about the things they experience. They do that because they know I won’t judge, or I wouldn’t get angry with them for making the same mistakes…. they open up to me, and then I understand, try to give an insight and emotional support” –
– Notice that (1) even though you offered them insight, again and again, they keep making the same mistakes, again and again. This means, doesn’t it, that they are not interested in your insight and are ranting to you simply because they want someone/ anyone (insight irrelevant), whomever is willing to endure their ranting patiently, with no anger, no complaints.
(2) They appeared to understand your asserted boundaries but failed to respect your assertion, in so doing they disrespect you, don’t they?
“My boyfriend that I mentioned thinks I should stop babysitting them, even though I feel like this is just support, not babysitting” – your boyfriend is quite insightful when saying that you are babysitting them as they cry and rant etc. Like I suggested right above, they are not interested in your insight; they are interested in your patient presence, someone to be there. It’s unwise for you to be their babysitter when you are not paid for it, isn’t it?
anitaApril 26, 2022 at 6:19 pm #398935
I don’t know how to drive lines, what I should resent or not, and what I should accept and not accept regarding friendships. I feel like I don’t have the good friends that a person needs. I realize that all that matters to them can be their own current agenda, and I feel neglected, and I also cannot ask for help since I don’t feel the need sometimes. When I’m not okay, I don’t think that they can make me feel all better, or I don’t think that they have the answers. When I’m sick, I figure something out and go out get my own drugs. But when it comes to them, they ask for the help more, or I’m just making this a bigger deal. I don’t know. I honestly wish to be a more carefree person and let go of all of these worries. I’ll try to be like that.April 26, 2022 at 7:19 pm #398938
I think that you are used to be alone, isolated, so used to live without people’s help and emotional support, that you no longer feel the need for other people’s help and emotional support. Is this the case?
Your friends may be selfish (“what matters to them can be their own agenda”), but even if they weren’t selfish, it’d still be difficult for you to ask for help or to accept help, or to feel a together feeling with people. Am I correct?
anitaApril 28, 2022 at 7:10 am #399059
I would prefer being helped, but I don’t want to ask for it unless I really have to. I’m guessing that’s the case. But when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people.