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I’m addicted to nostalgic feelings and it only makes me feel worse, I guess.

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  • This topic has 243 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 196 through 210 (of 244 total)
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  • #399070
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I am trying to understand your recent posts in light of what you shared earlier this year:

    Jan 14: “I sometimes feel superior to my peers…  I feel superior intellectually or ethically, I can feel like I deserved better than somebody who is not as intellectual or as ethical… And when that person has more than I do… I… suffer… I feel worthless”.

    March 29: “I sometimes also feel like my own problems cannot be solved by my friends, at least the closest ones. Maybe because I give insight to them, maybe because I see their struggle, I feel like my struggles are superior, I’m not sure. I kind of see them as luckier than I am, and maybe that’s why they cannot understand each other fully and they come to me for that… I’m kind of fed up with helping some people in my life… I always set aside some money for harder times… There are so many details I think and act accordingly that my friends don’t think about. And when they need something, they just ask me… my flat mate just asked me if she can use my milk, because she forgot. I don’t like to share my stuff and I keep extra, so I had to open up the milk just for her… those people end up asking for more and more and then I feel used. And in the times of need, you cannot ask them to be careful, you feel like helping them. I don’t really know why I get this much uncomfortable”.

    April 26 and today, April 28: “I feel like I don’t have the good friends that a person needs. I realize that all that matters to them can be their own current agenda, and I feel neglected… When I’m not okay, I don’t think that they can make me feel all better, or I don’t think that they have the answers… I would prefer being helped, but I don’t want to ask for it unless I really have to… when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people”.

    I am trying to understand and please correct me if I am misunderstanding in regard to each of the following items:

    (1) You feel ethically superior to your peers (being self-sufficient, careful and detailed, ex. seeing to it that your phone is charged at all times and buying extra milk). When your ethically inferior peers have more than you, more material success perhaps, more (what?), you feel angry at them because it is unfair that they will be rewarded for their carelessness. You also get angry when they ask you personally to make up for their carelessness/ reward them for their carelessness (ex., asking you to charge their phones and use your milk).

    (2) You feel intellectually superior to your peers. You give them your insight into their problems, but you don’t ask for their insight because their insight is inferior to yours.

    (3) You feel that your inferior peers are lucky because they are selfish, but you are not selfish, therefore you are unlucky. (I don’t understand this part, can you explain to me the connection between selfishness and luck, and what makes you unlucky?)

    anita

    #399439
    miyoid
    Participant

    when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people”.

    I also read it again and tried to understand myself. Even though people can be selfish, careless and their mistakes can be tolerated by the people around them, like having someone else’s phone or having someone else pay for you. I feel like I don’t have that opportunity sometimes. I cannot be selfish, I am not used to asking for things from people to tolerate my careless actions. Instead of that, I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand. And also the thing I wanted to tell is, when I see people not being judged or punished for the mistakes they do, I get very sad. I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything, especially I would want to be able to forget about all this injustice I can witness, cause there’ll be more and more in life. I cannot run away from injustice, so I need to be able to deal with it peacefully.

    I did a terrible mistake today. I was focused on the game we were playing with my boyfriend. I was really focused, and we were talking at the same time. Then he did something in the game and I reacted. I reacted with the name of my ex-boyfriend. And I couldn’t think anything, and I couldn’t explain it at the time. He asked once, like “what XX?” and then moved on.

    Later on, I felt terrible when he decided to leave. We have some kind of holiday here and everybody just leaves the city and goes their hometowns to see their parents and relatives, families. I never had this in my life, so seeing everybody sharing photos with their families and siblings, I felt terrible. I couldn’t stop crying and he decided not to leave and stayed with me. He distracted me a lot and managed to do that.

    But hours and hours later, he recalled it and we talked. He hesitated to ask this, thought it was not a name, maybe he heard it wrong. Honestly, he heard what I said. He just wanted to believe this in his head. I wanted to be honest and told the truth, but he was devastated. Now he is behaving like he moved past this but I know that it was a terrible mistake I did. I explained everything, that I never think of him, it’s over and it doesn’t have a meaning, it was just a mistake coming from my unconscious. I know that I’ve done everything I could, and I was devastated as well, having this relationship after all those years and having the possibility of ruining it with just a silly mistake. I feel like I have nobody that I could be happy with. I had so many heartbreaking stuff with my sister for the past months, and it feels like everybody has their sisters and brothers that would make them feel secure in the future. But I don’t have that. I know for a fact that in every single boundary I try to build, my sister is going to blame me and harass me. If I help her, the bet is going to get bigger, bigger and bigger. And then when the bet is too big for me to handle, I’ll say no and she’ll fight and act like the victim. She would never try to understand me, let alone being a loving big sister. So I sometimes feel like I really don’t have anybody in my life that matters and makes me feel worthy of more. But he is someone I can now count on, feel good with and I would hate myself if I ruin this. Just wanted to tell you everything.

    #399449
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    If I knew that you were distressed (regarding calling your boyfriend by your ex’s name, and about the holiday/ your sad relationship with your sister), I would have answered you sooner. Just in case my words could be of any help.

    I need to be more focused to answer you more thoroughly, but for now: I wish that you can bring yourself somehow to not have any more contact with your sister. You can’t get the love you needed for so long from the same people who didn’t give it to you: your parents, and your sister, your family of origin. Love is elsewhere, and it seems that this elsewhere is your current boyfriend. You said it yourself: “he is someone I can now count on, feel good with“.

    Calling a boyfriend by another man’s name (or calling a girlfriend by another woman’s name) is common. It’s awkward and unpleasant but it is not disastrous, it’s not a big deal really… most often, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a glitch. Definition of glitch: “a sudden, usually temporary malfunction or irregularity of equipment”, the equipment in this case, being your brain under the influence of playing a game.

    anita

     

    #399470
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Miyoid:

    I did a terrible mistake today” – really, it was not a terrible mistake, it was just a mistake. Maybe one day he will call you by the wrong name and you will forgive him, because it would be a mistake, and we all make mistakes.

    I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand… I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything” – I think what this is about is that you didn’t get to have a carefree childhood, you didn’t get to have a childhood where you felt safe and cared for; instead, you worried a lot, anxious… you were careful instead of carefree. Fast forward, as an adult, you are still careful, and you envy people who are carefree.

    Did I understand correctly?

    anita

    #399679
    miyoid
    Participant

    you were careful instead of carefree. Fast forward, as an adult, you are still careful, and you envy people who are carefree.

    to be honest, I don’t really remember if I was anxious all the time. But I can say that I didn’t feel free most of the time, I didn’t have the confidence, and so on. Maybe that’s the reason I was not free at all. And yes, I envy people that can be carefree or even can seem carefree.

    The night after my mistake was terrible, he felt terrible and I was also so scared to lose him. I also said that to him. The next morning, he suddenly told that this might not be a big deal and maybe he made it a big deal out of it, so he apologized. I’m guessing it’s better when you have someone that is not focusing on every single mistake that has been done.

    #399683
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    I am sure that you were not anxious “all the time“, the brain/ body cannot endure being anxious non-stop, so the brain takes its breaks when daydreaming, or when listening to music, watching a movie, etc.

    He apologized for making a big deal out of you calling him by your ex’s name, good thing! Having “someone that is not focusing on every single mistake that has been done“, that someone being your boyfriend, makes it possible for you to become less careful and more carefree over time, which is what you want!

    anita

    #400556
    anita
    Participant

    I hope that you are okay these days, miyoid,, even better than okay!

    anita

    #401917
    miyoid
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I’m lucky to have somebody like you I can talk to. I actually feel weird by posting this, as I feel like there are lots of people that need help more than me. But I feel a bit safe here, as you kind of know me now.

    I’ve came to my mom’s place for a few days, I’ll be back tomorrow. I remembered last year here, I was talking with my current bf as friends, I was trying to move on from the ex, he was still in touch with me and able to hurt me. I was starting my job, first weeks and all. Now pretty much everything changed for the better. But I realized one thing. I don’t really value myself for the time I spent. I was mostly an alone kid, and I know how to spend time alone. I have many hobbies, lot’s of weird or non-weird stuff I do and I don’t get bored easily. But for the last month, I was kind of alone again. My bf had his sister and mom around, he couldn’t visit much, he also had a busy schedule. I guess also my friendships changed, and I have a few friends now. The superficial ones are kind of gone, I don’t see them. And I got bored, it was weird. I got bored of myself. I kind of know why.

    I did have some expectations, I thought since I worked hard and now I can have some free time to myself, I should be having a good time. However, I didn’t have anybody around to do those stuff, like traveling or anything at all. I mostly wanted to do those stuff with my bf, but he was not around. I felt a bit worthless. I didn’t want to do anything alone, and then we had a tiny plan for my birthday, which consisted of 2 friends and my bf, we had a little fun, nobody that I invite could come, and that shouldn’t be a problem, but I felt a bit sad about it and then the next day, I got here. Left that city since I was not having a good time with anybody else. I feel like I don’t value myself enough, maybe that’s a common problem. I saw this as an opportunity to see my mom since I was already kind of alone back there.

    There was a moment a week ago, I suppose. When my bf’s sister was there, with him, he stopped by my house and we talked a bit, for 1-2 hours and then he went back to his house to spend time with his sister. They used to live together 6 months ago, before she got a job from another city. He was talking about their time together, and how he felt sad about not having a brother like he is to her. He has a brother, rather a bad one. I felt so sad suddenly. Cause I don’t even have one good sibling. All I have is somebody I have to set boundaries with or I would be deeply harmed. Not even a friend. She is like an acquaintance I should protect myself from. So I will never have anything like a sibling relationship. This is just something I can never have. I couldn’t stop my tears then and he tried to comfort me, but then he had to go.

    Maybe you do see why I felt a bit weird posting this, this is not the biggest problem I suppose. Something big enough to make me feel sad, but maybe I just have to learn to live with this.

    #401921
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “I actually feel weird by posting this, as I feel like there are lots of people that need more help than me… Maybe you do see why I felt a bit weird posting this, this is not the biggest problem I suppose. Something big enough to make me feel sad” –

    – people with very big physical problems like being under attack in a war zone or being in a natural disaster area while a tornado is in progress, or where there is famine… they will not think about posting here, nor will they be able to do so. Therefore,  you are not taking their space!

    Otherwise, when it comes to people posting about their sadness, anxieties etc., you are no less valuable than any other person: your sadness matters no less than anyone’s. And so, please try to be okay with posting here any time, any day or night, about anything.

    “I remember last year here… Now pretty much everything changed for the better” – I feel very good reading this. There has been progress!

    “I was mostly an alone kid, and I know how to spend time alone… I don’t get bored easily” – as a kid you did an excellent job surviving and adapting to being so very alone. But you were still alone and very thirsty for human attention and connection.

    “But for the last month, I was kind of alone again. My bf had his sister and mom around, he couldn’t visit much.. And I got bored” – your boyfriend sort of… quenched your thirst for some time, just enough to make you feel significantly better, but when he got busy with other people, it’s like he took your water supply away.

    “I feel like I don’t value myself enough, maybe that’s the common problem” – I think that the problem is that a kid cannot value herself enough to make up for being so alone. A kid has to have social attention and connection so to be healthy. Fast forward, the kid that you were- she is still YOU. She still needs social attention and connection and most recently she has less of it than before.

    “I will never have anything like a sibling relationship… something I can never have… maybe I just have to learn to live with this” – like I had done, you too will have to grieve the lonely childhood you endured, to grieve the fact that there is no redo, no second childhood. The one you had is the only one you will ever have. Many people chase a second childhood, and it is a futile chase. (I believe that the invention of heaven is all about the hope for a second.. heavenly childhood).

    When we stop hoping for and chasing a second childhood (being aware that we are doing so, or not), we set ourselves free from being stuck waiting and hoping  for what will never happen. Do you know what I mean?

    anita

    #401956
    miyoid
    Participant

    Yes, I didn’t feel like I was grieving for the past. I don’t even think of my past days when I grieve about my sister. I mostly think about today and the future. I mostly think about how lonely I will get when I lose my mother.

    I’m not sure how I should provide that water supply for myself. I’ll have to do that. He can fail to do so, he has his bad days. Especially these days. When he acts weird, I suddenly get scared, of losing him and going back to where I’ve started.

    #401957
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    “I don’t think of my past… I mostly think about today and the future. I mostly think about how lonely I will get when I lose my mother” – when you think about the future, about when you will lose your mother, you don’t realize that you already lost her: not the physical person (she is still alive), but what a mother is supposed to be for her daughter: attentively loving in a predictable, reliable, dependable way. This is why when you are presently in her company, your thirst for loving attention is not quenched. The physical mother is there, what she is supposed to be- is not there.

    Personally, I lost what my mother was supposed to be so long ago, that I don’t remember how it felt, if it was (if it happened) to have a dependable, lovingly attentive mother. I don’t have any memory of being care-free around her, of feeling comfortable, safe and happy in her company.

    Except for the one time in my early 20s when I got drunk, she came home, I put her hands in mine, and sort of danced with her for a little while, and another time, in my early 40s, when I ingested an opioid and then talked to her on the phone.

    We think that we worry about the future, but we worry about the past, projecting it into the future.

    “I’m not sure how I should provide that water supply for myself. I’ll have to do that” – if you realize, if you thoroughly understand that your thirst is not yet to happen in the future (when you physically lose your mother, or when/ if you lose your boyfriend), but that it already happened a long time ago, you will stop being so afraid and you will be able to get unstuck from the past (and the past fears), and move on to a different life experience.

    I think that it is hard to grasp what I am saying, but it’s true nonetheless. Personally, I know that what I feared most in my life, in the past (my mother’s death), already happened when what-a-mother-should-be died to me. It happened when I was five perhaps, maybe earlier.

    anita

    #402295
    anita
    Participant

    Hoping you are okay, miyoid.

    anita

    #402301
    miyoid
    Participant

    Yes, I am okay. Thank you! I hope that you’re okay as well.

    Thank you for the new perspective. I’m guessing I feel like I still have some stuff to lose when I lose her. Even though it was lacking some basic stuff, we are able to communicate especially about my sister and my father which gives me a bit of strength. She also knows them, and she was hurt by them like me, even more than me. It’s nice to be able to speak about this, when something happens with my sister that I feel abused emotionally, I tell that to my mother and we try to analyze it, neutralize the abuse, and she helps me get over that abusive communication where I get harmed and feel guilty at the same time because of manipulation. She tries to help me when she can.

    But yes, I cannot live with the fear all the time. I started to feel like I’m turning out okay actually, I feel more healthy even though I have my days. I still feel very vulnerable, very emotional and easy to manipulate. That hasn’t changed. But I’m trying to create ways to cope with that.

    Although I would lose my will to live if something were to happen with the current relationship I have, I know that. Being codependent feels like I’m still a child, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to outgrow of that. Maybe I’ll be like that till I die, I don’t see the logic in living, enjoying something, earning or working when you don’t have somebody you can share it with. It just doesn’t make sense to me. And somehow this also doesn’t work with friends, which makes me doubt my understanding of friendships. I trust some people, I also make effort to earn their trust. But something is lacking there, it is not enough for me to have enthusiasm about life.

    #402303
    anita
    Participant

    Dear miyoid:

    You are welcome. “I started to feel like I’m turning out okay actually. I feel more healthy” – good to read this! Plus, you turned out okay long before you started to feel it, says I!

    So your mother gives you “a bit of strength”, and your boyfriend gives you the will to live (“I would lose my will to live if something were to happen with my current relationship”).

    “I don’t see the logic in living… when you don’t have somebody you can share it with. It just doesn’t make sense to me” – I agree. There really is no logic or sense behind a social being (a human or any other highly social animal) living alone.

    “I cannot live with fear all the time…. I still feel very vulnerable, very emotional and easy to manipulate… Being codependent feels like I’m still a child, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to outgrow that” – I don’t think that you (or I) will ever outgrow fear in general, or fear of being left alone in particular. But maybe there is or will be LESS fear than used to be.

    “friends… something is lacking there” – it can be that they are not good friends, or not good-enough friends, and/ or that your expectations of a friendship is too high. From what I remember of what you shared, it’s the former (?)

    anita

     

    #402330
    miyoid
    Participant

    Maybe I should work on how to improve my relationship with others/friends then, so that I can feel more safe.

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