April 28, 2022 at 11:17 am #399070
I am trying to understand your recent posts in light of what you shared earlier this year:
Jan 14: “I sometimes feel superior to my peers… I feel superior intellectually or ethically, I can feel like I deserved better than somebody who is not as intellectual or as ethical… And when that person has more than I do… I… suffer… I feel worthless”.
March 29: “I sometimes also feel like my own problems cannot be solved by my friends, at least the closest ones. Maybe because I give insight to them, maybe because I see their struggle, I feel like my struggles are superior, I’m not sure. I kind of see them as luckier than I am, and maybe that’s why they cannot understand each other fully and they come to me for that… I’m kind of fed up with helping some people in my life… I always set aside some money for harder times… There are so many details I think and act accordingly that my friends don’t think about. And when they need something, they just ask me… my flat mate just asked me if she can use my milk, because she forgot. I don’t like to share my stuff and I keep extra, so I had to open up the milk just for her… those people end up asking for more and more and then I feel used. And in the times of need, you cannot ask them to be careful, you feel like helping them. I don’t really know why I get this much uncomfortable”.
April 26 and today, April 28: “I feel like I don’t have the good friends that a person needs. I realize that all that matters to them can be their own current agenda, and I feel neglected… When I’m not okay, I don’t think that they can make me feel all better, or I don’t think that they have the answers… I would prefer being helped, but I don’t want to ask for it unless I really have to… when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people”.
I am trying to understand and please correct me if I am misunderstanding in regard to each of the following items:
(1) You feel ethically superior to your peers (being self-sufficient, careful and detailed, ex. seeing to it that your phone is charged at all times and buying extra milk). When your ethically inferior peers have more than you, more material success perhaps, more (what?), you feel angry at them because it is unfair that they will be rewarded for their carelessness. You also get angry when they ask you personally to make up for their carelessness/ reward them for their carelessness (ex., asking you to charge their phones and use your milk).
(2) You feel intellectually superior to your peers. You give them your insight into their problems, but you don’t ask for their insight because their insight is inferior to yours.
(3) You feel that your inferior peers are lucky because they are selfish, but you are not selfish, therefore you are unlucky. (I don’t understand this part, can you explain to me the connection between selfishness and luck, and what makes you unlucky?)
anitaMay 3, 2022 at 11:00 am #399439miyoidParticipant
when I see somebody being selfish or being ignorant at something, I cannot be carefree. Instead, I feel unlucky cause I don’t have a sister like that or a friend like that. I feel like I’m surrounded by selfish people”.
I also read it again and tried to understand myself. Even though people can be selfish, careless and their mistakes can be tolerated by the people around them, like having someone else’s phone or having someone else pay for you. I feel like I don’t have that opportunity sometimes. I cannot be selfish, I am not used to asking for things from people to tolerate my careless actions. Instead of that, I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand. And also the thing I wanted to tell is, when I see people not being judged or punished for the mistakes they do, I get very sad. I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything, especially I would want to be able to forget about all this injustice I can witness, cause there’ll be more and more in life. I cannot run away from injustice, so I need to be able to deal with it peacefully.
I did a terrible mistake today. I was focused on the game we were playing with my boyfriend. I was really focused, and we were talking at the same time. Then he did something in the game and I reacted. I reacted with the name of my ex-boyfriend. And I couldn’t think anything, and I couldn’t explain it at the time. He asked once, like “what XX?” and then moved on.
Later on, I felt terrible when he decided to leave. We have some kind of holiday here and everybody just leaves the city and goes their hometowns to see their parents and relatives, families. I never had this in my life, so seeing everybody sharing photos with their families and siblings, I felt terrible. I couldn’t stop crying and he decided not to leave and stayed with me. He distracted me a lot and managed to do that.
But hours and hours later, he recalled it and we talked. He hesitated to ask this, thought it was not a name, maybe he heard it wrong. Honestly, he heard what I said. He just wanted to believe this in his head. I wanted to be honest and told the truth, but he was devastated. Now he is behaving like he moved past this but I know that it was a terrible mistake I did. I explained everything, that I never think of him, it’s over and it doesn’t have a meaning, it was just a mistake coming from my unconscious. I know that I’ve done everything I could, and I was devastated as well, having this relationship after all those years and having the possibility of ruining it with just a silly mistake. I feel like I have nobody that I could be happy with. I had so many heartbreaking stuff with my sister for the past months, and it feels like everybody has their sisters and brothers that would make them feel secure in the future. But I don’t have that. I know for a fact that in every single boundary I try to build, my sister is going to blame me and harass me. If I help her, the bet is going to get bigger, bigger and bigger. And then when the bet is too big for me to handle, I’ll say no and she’ll fight and act like the victim. She would never try to understand me, let alone being a loving big sister. So I sometimes feel like I really don’t have anybody in my life that matters and makes me feel worthy of more. But he is someone I can now count on, feel good with and I would hate myself if I ruin this. Just wanted to tell you everything.May 3, 2022 at 1:41 pm #399449
If I knew that you were distressed (regarding calling your boyfriend by your ex’s name, and about the holiday/ your sad relationship with your sister), I would have answered you sooner. Just in case my words could be of any help.
I need to be more focused to answer you more thoroughly, but for now: I wish that you can bring yourself somehow to not have any more contact with your sister. You can’t get the love you needed for so long from the same people who didn’t give it to you: your parents, and your sister, your family of origin. Love is elsewhere, and it seems that this elsewhere is your current boyfriend. You said it yourself: “he is someone I can now count on, feel good with“.
Calling a boyfriend by another man’s name (or calling a girlfriend by another woman’s name) is common. It’s awkward and unpleasant but it is not disastrous, it’s not a big deal really… most often, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a glitch. Definition of glitch: “a sudden, usually temporary malfunction or irregularity of equipment”, the equipment in this case, being your brain under the influence of playing a game.
anitaMay 3, 2022 at 7:11 pm #399470
“I did a terrible mistake today” – really, it was not a terrible mistake, it was just a mistake. Maybe one day he will call you by the wrong name and you will forgive him, because it would be a mistake, and we all make mistakes.
“I act responsibly and try not to do mistakes and think of every situation beforehand… I feel like it’s just not fair. And sometimes I cannot get over this feeling. I would want to be more careless about everything” – I think what this is about is that you didn’t get to have a carefree childhood, you didn’t get to have a childhood where you felt safe and cared for; instead, you worried a lot, anxious… you were careful instead of carefree. Fast forward, as an adult, you are still careful, and you envy people who are carefree.
Did I understand correctly?
anitaMay 6, 2022 at 3:53 pm #399679miyoidParticipant
you were careful instead of carefree. Fast forward, as an adult, you are still careful, and you envy people who are carefree.
to be honest, I don’t really remember if I was anxious all the time. But I can say that I didn’t feel free most of the time, I didn’t have the confidence, and so on. Maybe that’s the reason I was not free at all. And yes, I envy people that can be carefree or even can seem carefree.
The night after my mistake was terrible, he felt terrible and I was also so scared to lose him. I also said that to him. The next morning, he suddenly told that this might not be a big deal and maybe he made it a big deal out of it, so he apologized. I’m guessing it’s better when you have someone that is not focusing on every single mistake that has been done.May 6, 2022 at 5:19 pm #399683
I am sure that you were not anxious “all the time“, the brain/ body cannot endure being anxious non-stop, so the brain takes its breaks when daydreaming, or when listening to music, watching a movie, etc.
He apologized for making a big deal out of you calling him by your ex’s name, good thing! Having “someone that is not focusing on every single mistake that has been done“, that someone being your boyfriend, makes it possible for you to become less careful and more carefree over time, which is what you want!
anitaMay 17, 2022 at 8:05 pm #400556
I hope that you are okay these days, miyoid,, even better than okay!