Dear Dandan,

Yes I agree and i am willing to heal myself. Just making the best of everyday keeps me bit satisfied. Like waking up early going for a walk, working out, etc. Going to add meditation and some martial arts to it. I want to try many things like acting class, dance music etc. … Wanna learn swimming too.

Here you are going to the opposite extreme of addiction – getting megalomaniac about the healthy things that you’d do. I had this megalomaniac voice in my head too, while I suffered from ED, telling myself I’d be successful and famous, etc. It would last for a few hours or days, but then another voice would take over: the voice of the inner critic, who would tell me that I am a failure and would never amount to anything. It would leave me crushed and I’d return to my ED again. There was a constant battle between these voices in my head, and the inner critic would always win.

I am afraid you are doing the same. In May 2021 you thought you’d boost your self-confidence with workout, and you enrolled in a workout challenge:

As I said I will focus the workouts and what I can do to imrove my confidence and satisfaction of accomplishment. So I will probably be busy setting up the equipments and getting started with the workouts for this transformation challenge now.

But that lasted for about 3 months:

I worked on my physique for 3 months. During which i was so hurt too and had created this post here. But again later in September i went back to drink and lost all progress that i made till then. It was on and off.

You didn’t get better even though you fulfilled your plan of working out regularly (and abstaining from drinking) for entire 3 months. But then, something tipped you off and you went back to drinking and lost all progress. That’s how it works with addiction unfortunately. If you don’t heal the core wound – it will come back.

I told you that in May too, because I’ve experienced it myself. I know that going into the megalomaniac mode, trying to be “perfect” and live a super disciplined life can only last for so long. And then you crash.

If you really want to stop drinking and get your life in order – on the long run – you need to address deeper, psychological issues. Which have to do with your childhood and upbringing.

You say that your self-esteem is low because you started smoking and drinking pretty young (around 16) and you had bad company:

I realised recently the reason for my depression. Atleast the major reason. It is because of the unhealthy life style i was living since my school.

Well, I don’t think so. You lived a healthy lifestyle recently, for 3 months, and it still didn’t make you happy. The real reason for your depression is deeper, and we talked about it at the beginning of your thread. At the time you didn’t really want to talk about it… but my deep conviction is that healing those childhood wounds is the only way to go, if you want lasting results.