Hi,

Some time was passed and things have changed. I realized that for a little while I was “triggered” back into some abandonment issues (or something like that) and was not thinking rationally and I am embarrassed. I was in “nothing is okay” mode and was looking to something outside of myself to feel okay again, which is not possible and I was not being smart. Some of the sentiments were and still are true, like absolutely I would like to be a good friend to this person if I can. He is someone I feel deeply attached to, and in some ways have been in love with, but he isn’t and will never be a boyfriend to me. We feel the same about each other in that way.

anita, I don’t know what to say in response to all the things I have said in the past about my childhood/mother. I re-read it all now and I would say that I was “reaching” when I said a lot of those things. I was trying to piece things together and come up with “facts”.  I feel now that there’s no way to know how things truly were. For sure there were painful moments in my life like everyone has, but I have no idea if or which ones are the reasons behind anything in my life.  Many of my thoughts about myself and feelings day to day are the same, even after years. The only thing that has ever made a positive/healing change in me is if I experience something new or contrasting. That was in the back of my mind when I started this thread. I wanted to experience something new. I am curious what your response will be if you have one.