Dear Pink24:

“I have demanded my freedom, just by virtue of living without contact with my mother or the siblings that enable her. But why is there still this part of me that wants to punish them?” – because you are still hurting.

You are still experiencing the pain that your mother caused you, your “toxic mother“, as you referred to her back in August 2018. You shared at the time that while visiting her, she abused you and your father who was suffering from Alzheimer: “her abusive attacks have become too much… Any word I say sets her off, and I am … the perpetrator, and she is the victim… I’ve witnessed her abusive behavior towards my father, helpless as he is. I’ve intervened. But ultimately, I realized there is nothing I can do about protecting my father from her…  I’ve told my sisters about my mother’s abusive behavior towards him… but they’ve done nothing. Actually, I don’t think they even believe me. They see a completely different side to her than I do” –

– fast forward 3.5 years, the evil, guilty Putin invades the good, innocent Ukraine, and the whole world (other than Trump) feels certain about who is who:  the perpetrator is Putin, and the victim is Ukraine; the villain is Putin, and the hero is Zelinsky. This is a very clear situation, different from the confusing situation of your childhood home: your mother presented herself as your victim but in reality, she was your perpetrator. Add your sisters to the confusing mix: they were on the side of the perpetrator, not believing the victim!

“Why is there still this part of me that wants to punish them?” – partly perhaps because you are still confused about who is who?

Back in 2018, you asked: “I am at a point where I’m wondering how to protect myself. Do I never go home again? But then, I lose my father!…  But I feel that if I do, I subject myself to the pain and abuse of my mother. Not to mention, I am angry that she has abused my father as well. It’s been about six years of this cycle, and I feel I’ve had enough. I’m 40 years old. I want to be happy. Do I have to write them both off, to save myself?” –

– Yesterday was the 6th day of the invasion into Ukraine by Russian soldiers conscripted to follow Putin’s orders (Russian soldiers are Putin’s victims as well). Should a single abused Ukrainian citizen venture into Russia, knock on Putin’s door so to visit a Putin’s family member? Not so to save the family member, mind you, but to… just visit?

You asked me yesterday, regarding your anger: “How do I get rid of that? If you have the magic answer, I’m all ears” – I need to make sure that I understand what anger you are referring to exactly, and what is the nature of your current contact with your mother and siblings?

anita