Hi Liz
I have quite a number of friends in the same situation. coming to terms with what cannot be so your not alone.
My own situation is being single with no children which is not quite the same but I can say. I’ve had those nights of anxiety wondering what if, if only… The most painful state of being is remembering a future that can never be.

Can you master this inner pain? Yes. I think a place to start is to honor your experience of loss as it is a loss. Will this pain of this loss fully go away? Maybe not but by honoring what you feel you may discover that you don’t have to clink to the experience of loss and can let it flow.

Not being able to communicate your experience of loss in a safe way with your husband may be part of the reason this loss hurts so much. Anita I think may be able to help you with that.