Dear Helcat:

I want to start with something that occurred to me before I turned on the computer this morning: when you share about your personal experience with having been abused, and when I share about mine, there is something to be cautious about that perhaps you noticed too; maybe this is true to you too, to one extent or another: I am so used to my childhood abuse experience being denied, downplayed, explained away/ rationalized, misunderstood, excused and so forth, that when you (or other people) positively respond to what I share but include an assumption that is not exactly true to my experience, or an assumption that I feel is not true to me, I experience, or used to experience a frustrated, an anger, as if: here I am misunderstood again!

Is this your experience as well, to one extent or another?

Next, I want to acknowledge your excellent post at the top of this page and add my thoughts to it. You placed respect as a necessary ingredient of love (“To be loved and to love, means treating others with respect, and them treating you with respect in turn“), and according to my understanding, you made a distinction between love and affection when you wrote: “Wondering at any sign of affection, is this love?”

What I get out of this is that the combination of affection and disrespect is not love. So, when my mother felt affection for me, and I assume she did, at times, it didn’t mean that she loved me because she also disrespected me too many times and for too long.

And now, in regard to your recent post: “You were quite right to feel angry and a desire to protect yourself from her abuse” – the feeling of anger was instinctive, the instinct of an attacked animal. When I wanted to hit her, I didn’t have self-protection on my mind, it was an instinct, to hurt her.

The ruminations and mental torture, the guilt about feeling anger at her and wanting to hurt her, that was after an attack and in between attacks, especially when she expressed affection for me. I felt guilty because I didn’t understand that the anger and instinct to fight an attacker is built-in in me as an animal species, nothing to do with me as an individual.

“The nature of this abuse means that the parent is seeking out to abuse someone who is vulnerable, under their control and unable to protect themselves” – the last time my mother sort-of ran toward me so to hit me with her arms extended in front of her ready to hit (she used to run the couple-few feet between me and her when intending to hit me, because she didn’t have the patience to walk toward me. She had a… passion when it came to hitting me), was when I was about 20. I extended my arms in front of me, grabbed her hands in my hands and exerted just enough force to block her from getting to me. She instantly retreated. I remember how disappointed I was in her quick withdrawal. I asked myself: this is ALL it took? All these years… and that’s all it took for me to stop her? (I would have done it earlier if I only knew it was that easy!)

“These people are manipulative cowards, because they behave completely differently with people who aren’t vulnerable… This proves that they are in control of their behaviour, otherwise they would behave this way with everyone” – normally, she was sugary sweet with everyone else, extremely and insincerely sugary sweet.

“There is a level of predatory behaviour, as abusers identify victims based on how they respond to their boundaries being crossed” – well said, just like other things you say so eloquently.

“Physically, children are too small to fight effectively until at least teenage years (depending on gender and weight). By this point, an abused child has been conditioned to act in a way that the abusive parent approves of” – when I looked at my mother much of the time growing up and later, I did not see an abusive adult, I saw a hurt little girl whom I wanted to love and protect. In my child’s mind, she was the good, innocent child and I was the bad, guilty adult.

“For a time, I compartmentalised different kinds of abuse because I felt the pain from certain kinds were so overwhelming that I couldn’t cope with the additional pain of other types of abuse” – I wonder what kinds of abuse were most painful for you and what kinds were the least painful.

“After much therapy and as an adult I see the devastating impact of verbal abuse. It shapes our minds. The behaviour you described, and her words shaped so much of your life both internal and externally” – she told me with that passion of hers: “You are a big Zero!!!“, and I proceeded to live my adult life as if I was indeed a Zero, internally and externally.

“Why? Because she was in a bad mood and wanted to take it out on you because causing you pain and watching you submit made her feel powerful” -yes.

“You were always a good girl Anita… Children are inherently innocent and deserving of love and protection” – you were always a good girl, Anita. You deserve love and protection. I said it to myself, to the child entity in me, the child that’s always there. I pictured her in my mind’s eye and said it.

I think that what separated me as a child and as an adult from people was that I felt that I was a bad, guilty person. That Bad-Guilty core belief kept me isolated, not wanting to hurt others with my assumed badness, not expecting others to accept a bad person into their lives.

“You were never the problem, she was… You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were. You are a very good woman. Your kindness and compassion inspire” – thank you.

“Please let me know if there is anything that you wouldn’t like me to say” – thank you for this offer. Yes, I would like you to not say (to me, this is not a suggestion that you don’t say it to other members) that you are sorry about what you are not responsible for (ex.: “I’m very sorry that you were treat like that!“). I understand the sentiment behind saying it, but I don’t like reading it.

“I would very much appreciate sharing more about our experiences. If there is anything else you would like to share, please feel free” – thank you and please feel free yourself to share more about your personal experience with abuse.

anita