Thank you for sharing your feelings and requesting things that will aid our communication. I encourage you to tell me whenever something crops up that you would like me to change in the future and please clarify any assumptions or misunderstandings. It wasn’t my intention to elicit these feelings.
Would you mind clarifying why you feel uncomfortable with me saying “I’m very sorry for the way you were treat!”? Of course, I will no longer write anything of the sort in further communication.
Yes, I too feel angry sometimes when people make assumptions, because I feel like I’m being misunderstood. We are both different people, with different experiences.
You are correct Anita, that is my interpretation of love. I don’t mean to offend anyone, I’m just very rigid with boundaries. It can be very tempting to tolerate abuse for the belief that you are loved or there is the potential for it. So I choose to define abusive people as incapable of love.
Many people exhibit some type of abusive behaviour. If these behaviours are not severe, rather infrequent, overall the relationship is good, empathy is shown for others experiences and a willingness to change unhealthy behaviours when asked is displayed. I would suggest this is a loving (mostly) healthy relationship.
I encourage you to share your own definition of love if you would like to.
she was hitting me, with her hand across my face on and on, and she said to me, she praised me, saying the only thing I like about you is how you look down at the floor when I hit you. You don’t talk back to me, like other people’s children do.
In this quote your mother essentially stated that she didn’t like you. To me, this means that she didn’t love you either. It is a rather horrific thing to say to a child. It made me feel sad and angry for little Anita.
I can understand your feelings of guilt. I had feelings of guilt with my own mother. I occasionally unsuccessfully tried to fight against my mother’s abuse and fantasised about her death as a child.
These feelings of anger and a desire to hurt the person that abused you is understandable. Even if you had fought back, I wouldn’t believe that you were the guilty party. As you said, fight, flight and freeze are instinctual responses to danger and the purpose of this instinctual response is to protect yourself. I hope this clarifies why I used those words?
Do you honestly believe that she would have stopped being physically abusive if you had attempted to defend yourself as a small child? I have some doubts.Do you think your mother did or said anything to elicit those feelings of her being a hurt little girl that you should protect?
My own mother attempted to achieve a similar thing. As a small child she used me as a confidante. Telling me all of her fears and pain. Frequently, she explained away her abuse as she was “treating me the way her parents treat her” and saying that “she didn’t know better”.
It sounds like you had a lot of empathy for your mother, assumed responsibility for her care and potentially blamed yourself for her condition. Would you agree? If you don’t mind me asking what are your thoughts about this now as a mature adult?
I would say that I found sexual and physical abuse most painful and disregarded the impact of verbal abuse and neglect as a child.
It has been a pleasure communicating with you as always!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 