I remember deciding on working on my issues at some point in the previous months. However, I totally paused on my problems and focused on the others. I don’t know why I did this, it wasn’t a choice. It was mostly the friends I had needed that, and I offered them whatever I could.

There are two girls, one of them has been an old friend (5yrs) and the other one is new, but an emotional friend. But I feel exhausted now, it has been a lot. And I’ve been explaining them how I feel that way, and how I should just stop. They understand, they don’t get upset. However, they continue on telling me, ranting me, crying at me about the things they experience. They do that because they know I won’t judge or I wouldn’t get angry with them for making the same mistakes. And I know that they cannot share the same things with each other. They know that the other one would either get angry or get impatient. So they open up to me, and then I understand, try to give an insight and emotional support. Have been thinking about this since this situation is now out of my control and I had to set boundaries. And when I did, softly, by explaining myself, even though the other party respected it, they continued their behavior for some time and I also felt really guilty and restless. I have this problem in other areas too. When someone asks something from me, even though I learned how to reject, the fact that I rejected and the fact that I was asked for something haunts me in a way. So I cannot feel comfortable. I feel responsible in a way, but then I would’ve been rejected them. Something I need to work on.

And I also question my friendships. I’ve lost contact of some old friends because I don’t gave them enough attention in the past, but I was okay with that in time. They wanted more time, and I had to work. They couldn’t understand, so we were no longer friends. I still see them ignorant, but I’m over that. And now the fact that I need my own time again, some isolation from their struggles, feels like what would I feel if I were them. I had my own bad days, I also tried to find support. Although maybe I didn’t experience that kind of a bad thing where I couldn’t stay by myself, and I needed someone to talk about it again and again. Maybe I did, but I don’t remember. I feel like I stay alone in those kinds of situations or write here, or to a professional. I sometimes also feel like my own problems cannot be solved by my friends, at least the closest ones. Maybe because I give insight to them, maybe because I see their struggle, I feel like my struggles are superior, I’m not sure. I kind of see them as luckier than I am, and maybe that’s why they cannot understand each other fully and they come to me for that.

Another thing about the boundaries is that I’m kind of fed up with helping some people in my life. I always think about every single possibility and I act accordingly. I always set aside some money for harder times, I always have extra money if I need something urgent, I always try to have something to eat if I cannot find something at some point. I always have some tissues, I always have my phone charged and stuff like this. Very trivial, but sometimes very important. There are so many details I think and act accordingly that my friends don’t think about. And when they need something, they just ask me and I try to help them. But this is not because I have extra time to think about those details, or this is not because I have extra money to spend on details. I put importance on it and I spend less time and money on extras/fun and that’s why I have them. So when a friend of mine spends so much on fun and then asks me when she desperately needs the money, I feel awful. Even with the trivial things that I shouldn’t care about. My flatmate just asked me if she can use my milk, because she forgot. I don’t like to share my stuff and I keep extra, so I had to open up the milk just for her. I sometimes dislike myself for caring about these issues, I shouldn’t be caring about those. But then, those people end up asking for more and more and then I feel used. And in the times of need, you cannot ask them to be careful, you feel like helping them.

I don’t really know why I get this much uncomfortable. It’s really hard to decide on the boundaries and I also feel like I’m making it a bigger problem than it already is. Maybe I need more boundaries since I grew up kind of alone? And maybe I need to get rid of some so that I can be more content in long-term? I don’t know how to decide or set the boundaries properly.