Dear hope:

I want to explain to you why I asked about your childhood: over the almost 7 years of my participation in these forums, I’ve seen again and again how childhood conflicts and struggles get re-experienced in adulthood. The ways a child suffers in the context of the relationship with a parent (or parents) are very similar to the ways the adult suffers in the context of an adult relationship with a partner. There is a sexual and a romantic element added to the latter, but the conflicts, the struggles and the suffering are similar.

For example, and I am simplifying it here: a child who was very neglected by a parent is likely to feel, as an adult, neglected by a partner (who is adequately attentive!); a child abused by a parent and as a result, angry at the abusive parent, is likely to feel, as an adult, abused by and angry at a non-abusive partner.

When I suggest the reality of this common dynamic to members, most don’t want to talk about their childhood, they only want to talk about their romantic relationships. Problem is that without insight into one’s childhood where a certain, very personal suffering originated, it is not possible to resolve the suffering in the adult romantic relationship. The way an adult ends the suffering in a romantic relationship is often by ending the relationship. But then, following a temporary relief, the suffering resumes.

There is something else to consider: in one person’s adult life, one romantic relationship is not identical to the second, third etc., because a different partner is involved in each relationship, but sooner or later, the person re-experiences a similar or even the same kind of suffering in each relationship, including with partners that are decent. Romantic relationships are often wonderful and magical for a while… but sooner or later (it’s only a matter of time), the old, unresolved childhood suffering gets reactivated and re-experienced, and the relationship suffers, often ending.

anita