Dear Zeha:

“There is a lot of internal conflict going on, about whether I want to continue this study or not. Someone who are in this situation, I find it’s very hard to analyze it. So, I need to help from third person pov” –

– here is my point of view: you are struggling with the very common human struggle, the struggle between the Individual’s interests and the Group’s interests, and by group, in your current situation, I mean your family.

Here are the individual Zeha’s interests: “For once and for the first time, I want to go with my heart and instinct… I feel like it’s not the right for me and I want to do /change what is right for me… I want to start my own journey starting from this decision”.

Here are the interests of your family: “Education is more important in our family and that’s what I have been told…  I’m scared that I might be disappointment/hurt/break my mother’s trust on me. I think I will crash her dream knowing that she wants to see all her daughter wants to be a graduate person“.

Personally, I believe that an individual should follow one’s heart and mind and take on one own’s journey, but if you are living with your mother/ family, and you expect to keep living with them, your individual interests include living in a peaceful, calm home where you feel accepted, approved of and supported; not in a hostile, tense home where you feel rejected, disapproved of, unsupported and guilty.

Put in other words: a stranger can tell you: yes, pursue your own, individual journey! But if currently and for the foreseeable future, you cannot afford to live independently from your family, and the stranger will not be there for you in-person to support you along the way, and/ or to provide you with an optional home to the one your family provides you… then, well, being a stranger to you, I will not encourage you to do your own thing unless (1) your family fully supports you, or (2) you can afford living on your own and you have someone irl to support you, such as a very close friend.

“I will be named as ‘drop out’ from college in CV (resume), put a black mark in my CV, will be very hard to get a decent job with stable salary in this current situation(post-pandemic)” – if you don’t have a way to get a decent job in spite of this black mark on your CV, better not volunteer to have this black mark by dropping out of college.

Is what I posted here of any help to you?

anita