Dear anita,

Thank you for your clear words. What you wrote fits what i experienced and the things my therapist at the time told me.

I remember a conversation i had with her, she asked me if i needed her and i said that there are moments in which i do, but i would never want to need her because that would be unfair and cruel to her. She replied with a confused ,,but i need you”.

I really miss her and the good times we had. In some way i wish that i would be the one who fucked things up, so that i could recognize what i did wrong and be better and start again. But i slowly understand that its not that simple and how she treated me just killed me over time.

It really hurts that she hated me, but when i think about it i realise that this would explain so much.

I just miss her and what we used to be so much.

You are right with your theory, not exactly the way you theorised, but each time i slowed things down, moving in together, marriage etc., she would get upset and distance herself more and more from me.

I still feel like i did everything wrong, like if i had been kinder or stronger or if i had less mental health issues i would have been a better partner. But this is my depression and ptsd speaking i guess.

I am trying to find a therapist.

Thank you again and i hope you are well.

Ed