Dear anita,

after reading about the role of my primary caretaker i will have to think hard about what that means for me, like how many and which parallels there are.

Thank you for clarifying what i got wrong about your experiences. I just got the impression that your mother was kind of playing games with your feelings exceeding just hating or hurting you. Like you said in posts before, she would also use her mask/ persona to seem loving to you (good food, caring when you were sick) and then crush your hopes to enjoy your pain. By saying ,,becoming part of her anima” i was inaccurate, i thought more of her accepting you as a meaningful part of her life, not seeing you as a plaything. I guess one could see that as a push-pull dynamic? Which i guess made it even harder for you to think and feel straight. Ive experienced some similar situations so i was interested if these were comparable. If youre uncomfortable writing about this, please tell me of course.

Regarding therapists i sadly cant share anything specific, my next appointment will be with a specialist without web-presence. If you have general advice id like to hear your most important pieces.

I used to value my ability to be empathetic and to be brave enough to accept criticism and grow with it. I dont know if these were ,,good” values, but i was proud of them because i worked hard to achieve them. After being alone and secluding myself for most of my time in school i chose to explore my understanding of emotions to be a better friend for those who wanted to connect on a deeper level. Criticism used to make me feel like trash, but later i discovered that if i would better myself, i could feel proud of myself for growing. After my recent experiences in the relationship i kind of lost connection with those values, them feeling burnt out in all the confusion about myself.

Ed