These dark nights sound similar to depression. I don’t wish to discuss my experience of depression but I’m happy to share my exploits to recover from it.

I remember the first time I felt happy. I was walking my dogs, the same as any other day. Watching the same beautiful sunset that I’d often ignored. Instead of my thoughts being painfully present, they had eased. I was simply present and enjoying the moment for what it was.

My recent foray into Buddhism has taught me to become more aware of triggers. I’m doing my best to watch and sit with the feelings. This does not mean feeding the feeling or allowing it to carry me away as before. A book described thoughts occurring after the initial feeling as a lie. So rather than think about it, the goal is to sit with the feeling, the energy and allow it to dissipate in time without forcing it.

I don’t concern myself with trying to get rid of my ego. Masterful monks have egos. They just recommend being aware of it and not allowing it to blindly lead us around.

I think one difficulty with depression etc is that it is comfortable because it is what you know. There is a trap of safety. There is guilt that comes with this, it is hard to admit. And fear of the unknown. But by repeatedly subjecting myself to my fears and allowing myself to experience pain, I have become somewhat desensitized to it. This has helped me develop confidence in my ability to overcome challenges. I still feel overwhelmed and stressed sometimes, but it is good to acknowledge that and allow it to pass.

Lastly, working to soothe my nervous system has been helpful.

What is the point of life? Or capitalism? Or purpose?

We are animals, reproduction and propagating the species is an evolutionary goal. This is our environment, we exist within it. Purpose is what we make of it. My purpose is to take care of myself, my loved ones, my pets, my home, learn, help others and enjoy my experience to the best of my ability.