Thank you Anita,

I love your thoughtful posts. They really shed so much light. It is true, this feeling, this Lack, or Void has always been with me. Even now that I have a loving husband, “lots of friends”, and a daughter, and now finally a very attentive mom, nothing can fill it.

Sometimes it scares me a little. I know I would never do anything drastic, like take my life or anything, but I feel like there is a dark hole that can never be filled. I think it is up to me to close it, that apparently no perfect man, or amount friends can fill. I spend way too much time thinking about the Lack. In this instance, the friends who didn’t come, and not the ones who did (or the fun time I had with my husband and daughter celebrating separately). My mind reverts quite naturally to the Lack, and it puts a weight on my soul thinking about who DIDN’T show up for me.

It is something I will bring up with my therapist for sure. I think you are on to something that this has a whole lot to do with my childhood. It makes me sad to even realize this, that I have been living with this Lack, like an elephant in the room for a very long time. This birthday just sort of shone a light on it, but it is there all the time.