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Feeling Down/Like No One Cares

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  • #404041
    nycartist
    Participant

    I just turned 40 a week ago, and had all of these big plans for a night out with friends to celebrate. I kind of wanted to relive my 20’s a bit and do my favorite Mexican restaurant in NYC and a night of Karaoke, inviting friends I have not seen in a few years, due to COVID and just life. Well, only 4 people showed up, and it was honestly a bit depressing.

    Some friends gave me lame excuses as to why they couldn’t come, and one person whom I cared deeply about in college (whom I still speak to but sporadically) didn’t even bother to respond to my invitation. This left me feeling more down than excited about this milestone, and like the chapter of my former life and circles of friends is truly closed.

    It upsets me greatly because in my mind, I have so much love for them, still make the effort to remember their birthdays, and just think of them often and as friends. It is clear to me that there are many one-sided feelings now with certain people and that I need to move on. I am a very sentimental, empathetic and caring person, and it just hurts to know that people couldn’t be bothered to come out to see me (I live out of NYC now, and so my coming back was also an opportunity to hang out since I am not there all the time anymore).  Please excuse the pettiness of this next line, but it is how I honestly feel….I am also bothered that if people couldn’t come out in person, they could have called me for my birthday or maybe sent a card.

    I just feel very “forgotten” and it really is upsetting to me. I still care deeply about so many people and I have to realize they do not feel the same. A good friend who came said something to me that night, she said her therapist told her “nostalgia is a form of depression”, which I had never thought about. Perhaps me holding on to those old friendships is negative in some way. It is definitely not bringing me joy as I enter this new decade. I feel very sad, uncared for and lonely (despite my having a wonderful husband, and daughter, I just mean with regard to friends).

    #404045
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Nycartist

    I wish you a belated happy birthday! A Mexican restaurant and karaoke sounds like a lovely night out.

    It sounds like you are very much a people person. I think I text 1 person from college once a year. And maybe text another a couple of times a year and arrange to hang out once a year. I don’t remember either of their birthdays.

    Unfortunately, people do move on. People are often very busy with careers and families. It is easier for many to focus on their immediate circumstances. But I don’t think this means that people don’t care about or appreciate the past. They may think very fondly of it from time to time. The added difficulty for you might be living out of state. Do you have friends where you currently live?

    As someone who isn’t into big gatherings, 4 sounds like a lot of people. Are these people that attended generally closer to you?

    Sometimes feelings of loneliness occur not as a result of other people, but naturally within ourselves. Outside of this birthday situation, do you often internally feel lonely? Or are these feelings brought up by the occasion?

    #404048
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nycartist:

    Happy belated 40th birthday! The first time we communicated was in March 2019, you were 36 at the time. I feel like I almost know you for a few years!

    I am sorry that your birthday plans ended with a disappointment when friends did not show up to your celebration, one didn’t even respond to your invitation. It felt “like the chapter of my former life and circles of friends is truly closed“, you wrote. I took some time today re-reading our previous communication, and I think that it’s a good thing to close part of this chapter because out of your 12 threads, 7 were about friendships that troubled and upset you..  so better close the upsetting part.

    You wrote previously: “My family is very small. I’m an only child… I come from a very toxic and broken family“- and your childhood was indeed very, very difficult. At one point you shared that you thought of yourself as a warrior because of what you went through and survived. Indeed you are a warrior!

    It seems like you tried to make up for having a small and troubled family life by having a lot of friends and having good relationships with them, with partial success and quite a bit of upset.

    You wrote today: “I just feel very ‘forgotten’ and it really is upsetting to me“- this makes me think about how forgotten you really were by your mother growing up: “She wanted to be a single woman with friends and go out and be a girl in her 20’s, which left me staying with my grandmother very often, or sleepovers at friends’ houses. Then when I was 6 she married my stepdad, but before that she had some really horrific boyfriends… Then she went into a sort of hibernation…for several years of my life, everyone was in their own room. She would hide in her bedroom reading, I would be in my room playing games or watching TV”.

    Your mother chose dating and men over you, then she chose being alone in her bedroom over you… so I can see how it hurts you most recently when some of your friends chose to be elsewhere during your birthday celebration.

    Previously: “When my mother left this man, I was about to go to college. Once I left I NEVER came back to live with my mom again. But since she and that third man broke up, she’s been trying to make up for all the times in my life she didn’t choose me“- to not be chosen by your own mother is painful. I know the feeling of being … unchosen. Problem is that you needed her to choose you when you were growing up, she had a time-limit to make you feel chosen.

    She can’t make it up to you when you are an adult for what she didn’t give you when you were a child, not any more than you can make up for a family you didn’t have by having a… big family of friends as an adult.

    You ended your original post today with: “A good friend who came said something to me that night, she said her therapist told her ‘nostalgia is a form of depression’, which I had never thought about. Perhaps me holding on to those old friendships is negative in some way. It is definitely not bringing me joy as I enter this new decade. I feel very sad, uncared for and lonely (despite my having a wonderful husband, and daughter, I just mean with regard to friends)”-

    – I think that feeling “very sad, uncared for and lonely” is what you felt growing up, an emotional experience that is still happening because people re-experience painful thoughts & emotions of childhood all the way into and through adulthood, regardless of new circumstances (a wonderful husband and daughter).

    I think that it is time to fully mourn the family that you did not have, so that you can leave it (it being the continued emotional experience of this Lack, of Longing for what you didn’t have) in the past and no longer try to re-create it through friendships. When that happens, friends will not carry this heavy weight in your life, they wouldn’t matter this much.

    anita

    #404168
    nycartist
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    I love your thoughtful posts. They really shed so much light. It is true, this feeling, this Lack, or Void has always been with me. Even now that I have a loving husband, “lots of friends”, and a daughter, and now finally a very attentive mom, nothing can fill it.

    Sometimes it scares me a little. I know I would never do anything drastic, like take my life or anything, but I feel like there is a dark hole that can never be filled. I think it is up to me to close it, that apparently no perfect man, or amount friends can fill. I spend way too much time thinking about the Lack. In this instance, the friends who didn’t come, and not the ones who did (or the fun time I had with my husband and daughter celebrating separately). My mind reverts quite naturally to the Lack, and it puts a weight on my soul thinking about who DIDN’T show up for me.

    It is something I will bring up with my therapist for sure. I think you are on to something that this has a whole lot to do with my childhood. It makes me sad to even realize this, that I have been living with this Lack, like an elephant in the room for a very long time. This birthday just sort of shone a light on it, but it is there all the time.

    #404169
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nycartist:

    This post I am replying to is the most insightful, sober post I ever read from you. I too have been living with this Lack, this Void for so very, very long. It takes so long to fill it in but being aware of it as much as you are aware of it now, will speed up the process. I’ll be back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

    #404196
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nycartis:

    You wrote “this feeling, this Lack or Void has always been with me.. a dark hole that can never be filled“- this Lack, Void, dark hole that can never be filled-  it has been with me too and it’s been with lots and lots of people. I want to work on my own Lack-Void-dark hole that can never be filled (I’ll refer to it as Lack, the 1st word you used, and the only one of the boldfaced above that you used more than once, a total of 4 times) this morning, using your posts to help me with my personal work. I hope that as I develop this post, it will help you too. First, I will research your Lack, then I will look deeper into my own.

    The title of your thread characterizes the Lack very well: “Feeling Down/ Like  No One Cares“. Words in the title of your previous posts also fit this Void as well: “Fear… not coping.. Struggling.. haunted… Anxiety“.

    You wrote yesterday: “Even now that I have a loving husband, ‘lots of friends’, and a daughter, and now finally a very attentive mom, nothing can fill it”- your focus when it comes to the Lack has been your “friends”. You chose quotation marks around the word because there is a mismatch between your expectations in regard to friends and the  reality you experienced  in regard to friends.

    Sometimes it scares me a little. I know I would never do anything drastic, like take my life or anything“- this Lack is so distressing at times that a person feels desperate enough to end that distress any which way, whatever it takes.

    I spend way too much time thinking about the Lack. In this instance, the friends who didn’t come, and not the ones who did (or the fun time I had with my husband and daughter celebrating separately). My mind reverts quite naturally to the Lack“- the Lack is so distressing at times that it demands all our attention and all of our thinking. It takes priority over anything else.

    I have been living with this Lack, like an elephant in the room for a very long time“- this Lack is as big as an elephant in a room. It is not a minor lack, its indeed a LACK.

    This birthday just sort of shone a light on it, but it is there all the time“- we feel the Lack more intensely times than in other times, but it is always, there, the elephant in the room.

    I think you are on to something that this has a whole lot to do with my childhood“- I read and re-read what you shared about your childhood before, but not with the Lack being on my mind. I want to look for the Lack in what you previously shared. I will try to not make it very long:

    My family is very small… I was ALWAYS the peacekeeper” (March 2019): you were always the peacekeeper because there was no peace for you as a child, in the context of your family.

    On October 11, 2020, you submitted your one and only happy thread titled “A Happy Post/Gratitude“: “My daughter spends more time with my husband’s family and is very bonded and comfortable with all of them. I’m thrilled because, in the last week or so, she has finally bonded with my mom!! Today we spent the day together and the two of them were just talking, and walking my mom’s dogs at a park, and it was as if they were old buddies, so comfortable. I kind of stepped back a bit and let the moment last as long as it needed to. It filled my heart so much… to see this new connection of love forming makes my heart so happy… Today is a day I won’t ever forget… my daughter really enjoys being with her“.

    In the same thread, you wrote: “My mom..  has exposed me to a LOT of pain“.

    Your mother exposed you to a LOT of pain, which took away so much from the child that you were: it took away a LOT of your peace of mind and heart (and therefore you became “ALWAYS the peacekeeper”). Your bond with your mother was terribly interrupted, your feelings of comfort with her was terribly gone. You were so-uncomfortable- the opposite of “so comfortable”). Your heart was so-much empty, and seeing your daughter and mother filled your heart “so much”.

    It filled my heart so much“, you wrote on Oct 11, 2020. Yesterday, July 17, 2020, you wrote that you have “a dark hole that can never be filled“. The image of your daughter and mother did not fill your heart for long. All that was filled on that day was gone some time later.

    On the same thread, you shared: ” in truth I’m so weak and timid because of this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life and cast me aside. It’s something I’m struggling with very much and am actually in therapy to try to resolve” (Oct 12, 2020): I noticed this gnawing fear in your various threads in regard to your friends.

    The day after, Oct 13, 2020, you wrote: “My husband, thank goodness, is such an amazing person… so different than many of the people I grew up with. He’s decent, respectful, and loves me, and reliable… But this issue of mine baffles him. He can’t understand why I refuse to let go of some friendships or even family relationships that are definitely toxic“- I think that the reason you focus on unreliable friends is because the shape of your Lack/ “dark hole” is such that it cannot be filled by an amazing, decent, respectful, loving and reliable person like your husband. It can only be filled- so the Lack’s intuition goes- it can only be filled by the person/s who created it. Or people similar to the people who created it: non-amazing, indecent, disrespectful, unloving, unreliable, definitely toxic.

    I don’t think that it is possible (for you, for me, for anyone) to convince the Lack to be filled by what it is not designed to be filled with. I think that it is not possible to fill it with anything at all. It will always remain empty, and the only possibility is to shrink it. All the efforts to fill it end in emptiness and a continued desire to fill it, a desire doomed to be frustrated again and again, forevermore.

    There are euphoric feelings that accompany the images of/ thoughts about filling Lack, such as you experienced in your Happy Post. But these euphoric, happy feelings are deceiving because they cannot lead to success. They in fact lead to failure and misery.

    – to be continued later. If you’d like to react to what I posted so far, nycartist. Otherwise, I would like to return to your thread in hours from now.

    anita

    #404261
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nycartist:

    The lack, the void, the dark hole that can never be filled, the Dreadful Emptiness, is created within a child who is repeatedly threatened and no longer feels safe. It’s a scary, empty space that feels so bad that the child is desperate to fill it in any which way and as quickly as possible, so to no longer feel empty, but whole and safe. The biological motivation behind the Dreadful Emptiness is to motivate the child to do all that it takes to survive.

    When a child is threatened by a parent (or by a person the parent allows into the child’s life), the child does not have an adult’s experience and education to know that she (the child) has options such as going to the police by herself, contacting social services, and so forth. The child intuitively feels that her life is in real and present danger. She’ll do anything to please and appease the parent and stay out of trouble, or she will fight.. whatever has a chance to save her- and her parent’s- life. In a child’s mind, if her parent dies, so will she.

    On Dec 2, 2020, you shared about the physical danger that you believed you were in, as a child: “my father… I was there every weekend. He abused me…  I didn’t come forward for years because he convinced me that…  he would kill himself if he couldn’t see me. At home my mom was in an abusive relationship with my new stepdad and I felt like I had to protect her. I saw lots of physical abuse happen to her and many times tried to stop it“- in a child’s mind, if her father’s or her mother’s life is in danger, so is the child’s own life. You felt that dreadful emptiness and to fill it quickly, you did all that you could do: from not telling your mother about your father abusing (so to save his life), to trying to stop your step father from abusing your mother (so to save her life).

    You wrote on that day: “I am trying to keep in mind that everyone whom this has happened with in the past is still alive. No one killed themselves or is left destroyed“- this is what you feared as a child: that your father and/ or mother will no longer be alive, and as a result, neither will you.

    The Dreadful Emptiness is nothing less than the fear of physical death.

    On Dec 4, 2020, you shared that before your mother married the abusive step father “she had some really horrific boyfriends. I remember one jerk used to light matches in my face and terrify me!“- this added to that Dreadful Emptiness within you.

    After the step father left, “She hid in her room and was depressed and I was 14 years old“- I imagine that the fear that she will kill herself in her room added to the Dreadful Emptiness.

    Then a few months later she met a new man. He was also horrible…. Then when I was 16 my poor mother had a massive stroke while we were living with this man… She was in a hospital for months for rehabilitation after that, and I just had to live alone with this man and his sons and wait for her“- this added … more to the Dreadful Emptiness.

    Fast forward, you are married to a safe, loving man but your focus is naturally still on what scares you (when any animal is scared, it focuses on what scares it), and what scares you is not your father or mother or any of her boyfriends or step fathers… but “friends”. I think that it came to be that you focus on friends as a source of danger  (and correct me if I am wrong) in this way: growing up with dangerous parents and the adults they brought into your life, you found refuge in friends, people of your age that you met and befriended in school, college and elsewhere. They became a source of safety, substitute to safe parents. And so, at one point on, your fear of parents was transferred to fear of their substitutes. Therefore, you focus on any sign that friends may be upset at you and hurt you (“this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me“). And just like you were “ALWAYS the peacekeeper” within your family (so to save your parents’ lives and your own), you became the peacekeeper in your friendships.

    When you come across toxic friends, as you refer to them, you are not motivated to leave them and end the friendships. Instead, you are compelled to keep-and-fix the friendships. When you were a child and a teenager, you didn’t have the option of leaving your mother (and her boyfriends and husbands), nor did you want to because you needed to stay with her and… fix the danger, that is, to protect her and save her life, and in so doing, saving your own. You felt that your life depended on your mother being alive. Fast forward, you are compelled to keep-and-fix your friendships as if your life depends on it.

    I wrote in the first paragraph on this post: “the Dreadful Emptiness, is…  a scary, empty space that feels so bad that the child is desperate to fill it… so to no longer feel empty, but whole and safe. The biological motivation behind the Dreadful Emptiness is to motivate the child to do all that it takes to survive”- fear, that terrible dreadful feeling of emptiness, motivates the child to fix a bad situation in which she is stuck. But there is also another motivating feeling: a euphoric, wonderful, narcotic-like feeling that the otherwise terrified child experiences at times when daydreaming of safe, wonderful life scenarios, or during holidays perhaps, when everyone in the family seems calm and happy. And that euphoric feeling, naturally produced in the brain, is designed to replace the fear for a while and motivate the child to endure the bad times, hoping for better times.

    I remember my fear all too well, although… naturally, most memory of the fear is as repressed as can be. But I do remember the euphoria I felt for hours of daydreaming every day. It kept me motivated to .. keep going. I remember one time, I was 23 or so. I stayed in the home of two parents and their school age children one afternoon through the morning after. It was a magical, euphoric experience that morning: the sun shone gently into the room as I woke up, hearing the gentle voices of the mother and father coming from the kitchen downstairs. I heard the mother kindly calling her kids. I walked downstairs, and so did the kids (from their separate rooms). I felt like one of the kid. Downstairs, we sat around the breakfast table, voices calm and optimistic… all a very different experience from what I knew.

    I remember that morning forevermore. But it was only yesterday, as a result of writing to you, that it occurred to me for the first time in all these years of remembering,  that most likely, her kids- now adults- do not remember that morning because that morning was business as usual for them, nothing memorable about it.

    anita

     

    #404272
    nycartist
    Participant

    Oh dear! I wrote a very very long response and submitted it but somehow it got lost! 🙁

    Anita, I can’t thank you enough for the time you took to analyze my posts and find connections in current feelings to the past. It is truly enlightening. I also am happy that our conversation has helped you shed light on your own healing process. You are very right about many things you said regarding friendships. I will have to write again tomorrow and try to remember everything I had just typed.  It is late here, and I must go to bed, but thank you again and I will write back very soon.

    NYC Artist

    #404273
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nycartist:

    It means a lot to me that you cared to write a very long response to my recent posts, regardless of it getting lost. No need to rush posting again, take all the time you need. Good night to you: almost 10 pm here, west coast, Wed 1 am your time, east coast.

    anita

    #404333
    nycartist
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I wanted to come back and try to recall what I wrote earlier:

    You hit the nail on the head regarding friendships for me. I have not been able to pinpoint why I obsess about friendships so much, but you have clarified it for me. It is that during my childhood, my family life was so unstable that I sought out that stability and security in friendships. And, just as everyone experiences, those friendships did not always last. I remember my childhood best friend moving away, and though we were penpals for years, that abandonment hit me very hard at 7 years old. Another friend in middle school hurt me when she became “too cool” and left me for the cool crowd. So even in friendship, I faced abandonment. I remember I became depressed even as a child when these things happened. My mother gave me some wise advice, which was to try to have many friends, “This way when one leaves, you have others as a backup”. I have lived with those words in my mind regarding friends….always afraid someone would leave, always trying to make sure I have enough “back ups”.

    This led to some pretty poor quality of friends, as they say quantity does not always mean quality. I am learning now that when a friendship ends, it does not always have to be devastating. When a friendship is poor quality, I do not have to continue to hold on to it.

    With regard to The Lack, I am so thankful for this conversation because it shone a light on this darkness in the corner. I believe I can never be rid of it, but it can be shrunk, controlled. This reminds me of a film, a horror film called The Babadook. I don’t know if you are a fan of horror, but the movie is about grief taking the form of a monster and becoming more powerful. Spoiler….the way to defeat is is not to eliminate it, but to contain it, and keep it in the basement. In a similar way, I can now acknowledge The Lack, but not let it take hold of me, or consume me. I can choose not to let it darken the good and positive things in my life. This has begun to feel very empowering!

    Thank you for this epiphany that you helped me arrive to!

    NYC Artist

    #404339
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nycartist:

    I appreciate you posting! I will be able to read and reply when I am back to the computer in a few hours from now or tomorrow morning.

    anita

    #404370
    anita
    Participant

    Dear nycartist:

    “Thank you for this epiphany that you helped me arrive to!”- you are very welcome.

    my family life was so unstable… I remember my childhood best friend moving away…  that abandonment hit me very hard at 7 years old. Another friend in middle school hurt me when she became ‘too cool’ and left me for the cool crowd… I remember I became depressed even as a child when these things happened“-  if you had a stable family life to come home to, it would have stabilized the disturbances that occurred at school/ outside the home. But with an unstable family life, stress was added on top of stress, culminating in depression.

    My mother gave me some wise advice, which was to try to have many friends, ‘This way when one leaves, you have others as a backup’. I have lived with those words in my mind regarding friends….always afraid someone would leave, always trying to make sure I have enough ‘back ups’. This led to some pretty poor quality of friends, as they say quantity does not always mean quality“- what you needed was one stable mother, not a backup plan of many friends. It was not really wise advice because it led to you becoming overly concerned about having enough backup and compromising what qualifies as a friendship.

    With regard to The Lack… monster… the way to defeat is is not to eliminate it, but to contain it, and keep it in the basement… I can now acknowledge The Lack, but not let it take hold of me, or consume me. I can choose not to let it darken the good and positive things in my life. This has begun to feel very empowering!“- very well said. I want to develop the monster imagery better, so I looked up the movie script (the script lab. com/ he Babadook pdf):

    “.. Samuel (S): It’s in my room! Amelia (A): What? Samuel: The Babadook!… A: Sam… No Babadook. No nothing, alright?S: Don’t let it in! Don’t let it in! Don’t let it in! (He starts to hyperventilate. Amelia carries him to the bed and covers him with her body, trying to calm him… Samuel lies in a fetal position and sucks his thumb as Amelia pats his back, singing him a lullaby. Her voice trembles as she sings it. Samuel stares into space)… A: There is no BABADOOK!.. IT’S ALL MADE UP IN YOUR HEAD!It isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real it isn’t real

    A: Samuel! Let-me-in! (No response) I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll BLOW YOUR F****** DOOR IN!!.. You little pig. 6 years old and you’re still wetting yourself…  You don’t know how many times I’ve wished it was you not him that died… S: (Low) You’re not my mother

    S: “If it’s in a word, or it’s in a look, you can’t get rid of the Babadook.”… A: YOU’RE NOTHING! (The hideous shadow grows larger, rising up to the ceiling, terrorizing her. The floors and walls shake)… You are trespassing in MY HOUSE! (Its growls turn to a deafening roar as the shadow touches the ceiling, a huge mass of black terror. Amelia fights a sickening, gut wrenching fear as she finally faces up to this thing. (Not turning away) If you touch my son again, I’ll f***** KILL YOU… Bits of the ceiling fall to the floor. The walls crack. Sam’s body is flipped up and pulled violently towards the shadows. He yells. Amelia grabs him by the hands and yanks him to her, there’s no way she’s letting go this time… Amelia jumps up on the bed end, her son in her arms, and lets out a scream so strong, so piercing, it smashes every window in the room. She looks utterly fierce. A mother enraged, protecting her son. Her scream dies away, but her eyes are full of life.

    She searches the darkness. The huge shadow shrinks down from the ceiling, its growls reduce to a hideous moan. The shadow is slowly and completely lost to the darkness. The noise of the Babadook stops altogether.. An unbearable silence…. The ‘figure’ suddenly drops to the ground like a sack. Amelia starts. It collapses into a shapeless mound of hat and coat with nothing underneath…

    By the time Amelia makes it downstairs, the Babadook has disappeared into the basement, door slamming. She runs over to it, locks the door, takes the key… Samuel: How was the Babadook? Amelia:  Pretty quiet today…. Amelia: Happy birthday sweetheart. (Sam breaks into a smile. He closes his eyes and leans into his mother, his face beaming) THE END”.

    -In fiction such as this, the child has a very predictably patient and loving mother and the monster is a non-human that invades the lovely home and proceeds to attack and terrorize the child. Next, mother fights the monster and protects her child, and lovely home life resumes. In real-life, the monster is most often the child’s mother (or father), attacking and terrorizing the child from time to time, and.. no one to protect the child. And so, no lovely home life for child. Instead, there is the Lack we’ve been discussing.

    In fiction, the mother scares the monster away. In real-life, it happens that the mother allows a monster (a boyfriend, a new husband) into the home and keeps him there.

    In fiction, when the mother huffs and puffs and insults the child, the child immediately knows that it is not his mother, that it is a monster that took over his mother (“You’re not my mother”, Samuel). In real-life, the child is not this fortunate.

    In the story, when Amelia denied the monster, it grew bigger and stronger. When she acknowledged it, facing it- not timidly- but utterly fierce with “eyes full of life”, it shrank and weakened. When she searched the darkness, the darkness shrank. How do we, in real life, face the darkness/ the Lack?

    Back to your words: “I am learning now that when a friendship ends, it does not always have to be devastating. When a friendship is poor quality, I do not have to continue to hold on to it“- let go of poor quality friendships, and let go of the friends-backup-plan. Instead, stand on your own, utterly fierce with eyes full of life!

    anita

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