Hi Anita,

I wanted to come back and try to recall what I wrote earlier:

You hit the nail on the head regarding friendships for me. I have not been able to pinpoint why I obsess about friendships so much, but you have clarified it for me. It is that during my childhood, my family life was so unstable that I sought out that stability and security in friendships. And, just as everyone experiences, those friendships did not always last. I remember my childhood best friend moving away, and though we were penpals for years, that abandonment hit me very hard at 7 years old. Another friend in middle school hurt me when she became “too cool” and left me for the cool crowd. So even in friendship, I faced abandonment. I remember I became depressed even as a child when these things happened. My mother gave me some wise advice, which was to try to have many friends, “This way when one leaves, you have others as a backup”. I have lived with those words in my mind regarding friends….always afraid someone would leave, always trying to make sure I have enough “back ups”.

This led to some pretty poor quality of friends, as they say quantity does not always mean quality. I am learning now that when a friendship ends, it does not always have to be devastating. When a friendship is poor quality, I do not have to continue to hold on to it.

With regard to The Lack, I am so thankful for this conversation because it shone a light on this darkness in the corner. I believe I can never be rid of it, but it can be shrunk, controlled. This reminds me of a film, a horror film called The Babadook. I don’t know if you are a fan of horror, but the movie is about grief taking the form of a monster and becoming more powerful. Spoiler….the way to defeat is is not to eliminate it, but to contain it, and keep it in the basement. In a similar way, I can now acknowledge The Lack, but not let it take hold of me, or consume me. I can choose not to let it darken the good and positive things in my life. This has begun to feel very empowering!

Thank you for this epiphany that you helped me arrive to!

NYC Artist